Speed up Your Computer for Free

.

You bought a computer a few years back, and now it's blazingly slow. It takes forever to get it turned on, and it's getting so bad you can't hardly even load this website without wondering if it's locked up. It's so bad, you're considering throwing it away and buying another one.

FEAR NOT! Help is on the way!

In my nearly 30 years of using computers, I've picked up a few tricks which will help you restore some of your computer's lost horsepower so you can get back to staying up to date on my goings on, which is something all red-blooded Humans should be doing. So prepare yourself to be amazed and eternally indebted to me.

Step 1:

Get a stop watch. Start the stopwatch at the same time as you turn your computer on and boot up all the way to the main Windows screen. If this requires logging in, do so. You should be at the point where you see your pretty wallpaper and the START button. Click on the START button. When the menu appears, choose the CONTROL PANEL. When the CONTROL PANEL and its contents have appeared, STOP the stopwatch and write down your time.

If it takes more than 15 minutes to get to this point, your best bet is to have your computer's operating system (OS) reinstalled using the recovery disks it came with. Hopefully you've got copies of all your important files backed up to a CD or an external hard drive. Stuff like vacation pictures, tax documents, music, movies, programs you've downloaded (as opposed to having installed them from a disk), passwords, email, and porn should all be backed up someplace besides your C: drive. Don't forget the stuff on your desktop!

Programs which came on a disk can be reinstalled, so you don't have to back them up, just the data they generated. Go find the disks while you're waiting. If you're not sure how to do this, get one of your kids to do it for you. Keep in mind, you WERE planning on throwing it away, so don't worry if disaster strikes.

If it takes less than 15 minutes to boot, or if you've got stuff you simply can't bear to lose, then we'll see about cleaning up the junk files, which should help out tremendously.

Junk Files

What the heck are junk files? These are simply files that Windows SHOULD HAVE DELETED on its own, but for whatever reason it didn't, and now they're rattling around on your hard drive, wasting your space, and slowing down your computer. By getting rid of these junk files, your computer will start working a whole lot faster, though it won't be quite as fast as if you had reinstalled the operating system.

Click to zoom! This is Windows 7.

Step 2:
Now we need to look at your system properties. If you have a MY COMPUTER icon on your desktop, right-click it and select PROPERTIES. If you don't have it, click on START, then you should see a COMPUTER or MY COMPUTER choice in your start menu. Right-click on it and select PROPERTIES.

Everybody should have a system information panel displayed. If your computer is really slow, this might take a amoment to show up.

On this system info panel, you'll see your computer's important statistics. Somewhere on there it will tell you what OS (Operating System) you're using and how much memory you have.

If you are using Windows XP, you need to have at least 1 GB of memory. If you are using Vista or Seven, you need at least 2 GB of memory. If you have less than these amounts, you should seriously consider getting your memory increased to these levels. It's not very expensive and not very hard. Hopefully you've got a computer nerd in the family who can help you out, or you know a guy. You CAN get by on half these amounts (512 MB and 1 GB respectively), but your computer is doomed to be slower than it should be. If you have even less than that, you should probably firebomb the people who sold you the computer. I'm pretty sure a jury of your peers will exhonorate you.

Step 3:
Assuming you have enough memory, or you want to try to speed up your computer anyway, let's move on.

Close the window you were just using, and close the Control Panel too. Now wherever it was you had your MY COMPUTER icon, double-click on that. It should open a window in which all your devices are listed; this is known as Window Explorer, or just Explorer, not to be confused with Internet Explorer. Hard drives, CD/DVD/BD drives, USB drives, network drives, and so forth are listed here. You might not have all of these things, but you WILL have a C: drive as a hard drive and probably a D: drive as a CD/DVD/BD drive.

Click on the TOOLS menu and choose FOLDER OPTIONS. This will open the Folder Options window. If you don't see a TOOLS menu, tap the ALT key and it should show up.

Select the VIEW tab and you will see a long list of check boxes. Different OSes will show slightly different things, so pay attention to what I'm saying here.

Where it asks whether to Show Hidden Files and Folders, make sure you select to display them.

Where it asks to Hide Extensions for Known File Types, make sure you select to unhide them.

And where it asks to Hide Protected Operating System Files, make sure you select to unhide them.

Windows will probably throw up a confirmation for this third one; say YES. Later, when we're done, we're going to restore this last setting to its normal value. But for now, click OK to close the window.

Step 4:
It's possible that all of a sudden, you see a bunch of new files on your desktop. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

On your Explorer window (the one with all the drives listed), double-click on your C: drive. This will open it up and you'll see the contents. Now look for a folder called WINDOWS and double-click on it to go into it.

You probably see a ton of blue folders whose names start with dollar signs ($). Any file or folder which starts with a $ can be deleted. Select the whole mass, being sure you didn't select anything but them. Double-check that you selected only the files you want to get rid of. Now, hold down SHIFT and then press DEL. The computer will ask if you're sure you want to permanently delete them. Say YES! If the computer throws up any kind of prompt before it's done deleting them, choose whatever option continues to delete these useless files and folders.

Step 5:
Now find the TEMP folder within the WINDOWS folder and go into it. Chances are, you'll see a ton of files in there. All of them can go away, but be careful of a couple things.

First, you may have THOUSANDS of files in here, and it can be hard to delete that many files. If you don't already see a thing telling you how many objects are in this folder, click on the VIEW menu and select STATUS BAR. This will tell you how many files and folders are in this folder. Write this number down. If you have more than 1000 files in here, you'll want to delete them about 1000 at a time. The status bar will tell you how many you have selected. Trying to do more than this may take Windows an inordinately long time.

Second, there may be a few files in use, and they can't be deleted. Windows Seven and I think Vista allows you to skip these files when they come up, but XP will stop deleting, at which point you have to deselect the offending file (usually it's now at the top of the list) and continue deleting. This can happen several times and become annoying.

It can also happen that a file within a folder doesn't want to delete, and you will be confused because the OS will tell you it had a problem with a file which doesn't seem to be in the list. Simply deselect the top-most folder and resume deleting, then later go into that folder and delete as much as you can.

And third, sometimes Windows will try to panic you by saying that you're deleting important files, or otherwise ask for multiple confirmations. Ignore these deceptions and continue deleting. Nothing in this folder is worth keeping, though there may be a few files which won't delete.

Remember that when you're deleting these files and folders to hold down the SHIFT key as you press the DEL key. And keep in mind that folders likely contain lots of files; if Vista or Seven is taking forever just to count up the job, stop it and select fewer folders. Don't select more than 1000 items at a time for deletion or the task may take a lot longer. If you have a LOT of things to delete, you're just going to have to have some patience; several hours may be required to get rid of it all.

Step 6:
This next step is a little more complicated because the different versions of Windows have moved things around.

First, come back up to the C: drive. What you do next depends on your OS; read this carefully.

You're looking for a folder, which is named either DOCUMENTS AND SETTINGS or USERS. Double-click on that folder to go into it.

Inside this folder are the user accounts. Most computers will show folders for ALL USERS, DEFAULT USER, and ADMINISTRATOR. There should be other folders here which are named after your log-in name. Frex, I log in as JIM, and so there is a folder named JIM. If you log in as Jaycee Adams, you should see a folder named JAYCEE ADAMS. Double-click on that folder. If there isn't any such folder, then you're probably logging in under a renamed account. When you create an account, it makes a folder with that name. If you later change the name, that folder's name does NOT change. Most often it happens that your account is a renamed ADMINISTRATOR or OWNER or something like that. If you see OWNER, try that one, or if you see nothing else, use ADMINISTRATOR.

Hopefully that didn't confuse you, but if it did, send your hate-mail to Bill Gates.

Now it's going to get a little confusing again, depending on which OS you're using. You should see a folder named either LOCAL or LOCAL SETTINGS. Double-click on that. Within it will be another TEMP folder; double-click on it to go in.

Now, once again, all these files are garbage which can be deleted. Just as was done in Step 5, there may be a LOT of files in here, and Windows will try to confuse and scare you when you try to delete them. Just use the same techniques already outlined above and get rid of these files.

Step 7:
Feeling breathless yet? We're almost done.

Whip out your handy dandy stopwatch and get it ready.

Shutdown your computer, then when you turn it on, follow the procedure in Step 1 to time how long it takes to get your computer to a usable state. Write down how long it takes next to where you wrote it last time and compare the two. You should have been able to cut your booting time in half or less!

Congratulations!!

You're now a computer tech! You've just done something that many ACTUAL computer techs don't know to do, so pat yourself on the back.

Don't forget to go back and re-hide the hidden operating system files, as we discussed in Step 3, and flush your Internet Explorer cache and that should be it.

If this doesn't do it for you:
Try reloading your operating system. This should restore it to the condition it was in when you first got it. I recommend having someone who knows what they're doing perform this for you if you're unsure how to do it, or if you don't know how to back up your data.

What if your computer is old?
If your computer was built within the last 10 years, it should be powerful enough to handle most tasks short of big games and video manipulation. Computers older than about five years will be hard to find parts for if you need more memory or hard drive space, but those made more recently won't have problems.

Final notes:
When your computer gets unbearably slow, you have four choices: buy a new one, upgrade the old one, reload the OS, or clean the junk out of it.

• Buying a new one takes the least amount of effort on your part and gets you the latest and greatest, but requires the most money, and you still have to get your important data transferred to the new one. The latest and greatest isn't much better than it was 5 years ago, either.


• An upgrade is cheaper and won't require any messing with your files, but depending on the real problem, doesn't always work.


• Reloading the OS almost always restores your computer to its new condition... including not having all your important software and data on it. However, reinstalling all your software is going to take at least as much time as it would take to install it on a new computer.


• Cleaning the junk is by far the cheapest and probably fastest, but depending on the actual problem, might not fix anything, and often still requires a considerable amount of time.

There is no perfect solution. You CAN pre-emptively delete the junk files about once a year so at least that cause of slowdowns won't get in your way. Mark it on your calendar and do it.

That's all I've got for you today. See ya around, and don't forget to pledge your firstborn!

_______

More stuff you really wanna know:
Allah be Praised
Writing is Easy
Good Thing these People aren't in Charge of our Economy

.

Something Big Coming Up

.

You've probably noticed that lately, I haven't published as much as I usually do. Things have been pretty busy with my writing, updating some of the site's content, making new friends in the Ohio Police Department, and a couple other projects that may change the world, so I haven't deluged you with as much excitement as I normally would in this particular channel. And with something new coming up for the next few weeks, I'm still going to be a little rare for a little while. I'll definitely have some interesting stuff for you, it just won't be quite as frequently as you're used to until next month.

Before I sign off for the day, I've got something special for you coming up in the morning which will keep your gigantic brains occupied until I can be here full time again.


See you soon, and thanks for all the support!
.

The Streetcar Rumbled along Bourbon Street

.

The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street with a slight limp in its rolling gait, jammed with more passengers than it had any right or license to carry. Only the conductor cared of its plight, and he just barely, because he would get into trouble if that wobble turned into serious damage... or a turned ankle. Kept in service with the minimum of effort and financial outlay possible, the streetcar's aches and pains would continue to go unnoticed until disaster struck.

Brakes squealed the car to a halt. Rusty metal springs long past their design life sighed relief as people disembarked, then groaned with new strain as more replaced them. The overworked engine strained with palpable trepidation to get back to cruising speed, just barely above that of a walking toddler.

The sun took its time burning off the misty morning fog. The commuters were largely silent and solomn today, as if speaking were taboo. As if doing anything more than the absolute minimum required to get to work would trigger something... undesirable.

Rounding a sharp turn, the streetcar's brakes had their resolve tested. A black Ford SUV had pulled out in front of it and came to a halt. The two vehicles collided at the break-neck speed of five miles per hour. There were too many passengers standing for anyone to fall over. A few of the seated ones bumped their heads or strained their necks. Most were unharmed but shocked.

Two dark-suited men emerged from the damaged SUV and quickly approached the streetcar and barged into the front door. "Will everyone please get out of the car? Calm and orderly, get out of the car and move away from it, please."

Those who could, did.

"What's going on?" the conductor asked, worried. Others echoed him, but kept moving. "Who are you?"

"Please, everyone just stay calm. Exit and move away from the car," was his repetative answer. His partner rolled onto the ground and under the streetcar, then climbed under it. The crowd's murmurs paradoxically increased in intensity as their numbers thinned. He searched the bottom of the car, needing only a moment to find what he was looking for. "I found it!" was the last thing he ever said.

* * *

"Don't be monkeyin' around with that irrigation system, boy," Todd teased his nephew. "We need it if we're gonna eat."

"I just wanted to play with it, I won't hurt it," little Jonny protested.

Todd picked up the four year old and put him on his shoulders as they dove into the cornfield. Row upon row of stalks whisked past them under Todd's long strides. For a moment, there seemed to be nothing but peace between them, as if both were afraid to speak. But then, the cornfield came to an end, and beyond it was a pasture with a big tree and a treehouse.

"Your dad and I built this here treehouse when we were about your age," Todd told his charge. "We called it our citadel."

Presented like that, Jonny saw past the squalorous condition it was in and imagined himself fighting off a dragon which was trying to climb that tree to get him. Putting his nephew back on his own feet, Uncle Todd let Jonny climb to the top, where he perched like a deity, surveying over the whole pasture. Jonny laughed in delight at his daydreams. A dog loped toward them, barking at the ruckus.

"You can come here any time you like, Jonny. Your dad'll always be here with you, watchin' over you, and you can talk to him any time you want."

Jonny stopped and looked around. "I see him!" he proclaimed, and pointed at a fluffy cloud. Sure enough, that cloud resembled a person. Perhaps it really was his brother, murdered in the line of duty, whom he would soon seek to avenge, once his nephew was taken care of.

The dog barked more, this time at a delivery van heading up the long gravel driveway. "I see it, boy," Todd soothed the dog to silence, then called up to his nephew, "Hey, I'm goin' to see what we're gettin' in the mail. Could be somethin' special. You're welcome to come see if you want."

Jonny climbed down almost as quickly as he'd gotten up there, and Todd replaced him on his shoulders for their trip back through the cornfield.

* * *

The above is a composite of two seperate writing challenges. They seemed to go together fairly well.

The first challenge was to write a short story out of a beginning phrase, in this case, "The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street." Everyone else made that into a complete sentence and then went on from there, while I made it into a longer sentence.

The second challenge was to use as many of a selection of ten words as possible in a short story. The words I was given were: Digestive, ruckus, speak, irrigate, squalor, deity, monkey, delivery, citadel, and avenge. I couldn't find a way to use 'digestive' here without forcing it. Most of the other people thought of having difficulty digesting pizza, or they had monkeys in prominent roles.

In both cases, we had 15 minutes to write, so that's just enough time to write about a page, page and a half. I'm a bit slow, it seems. I did expand on the upper story to unite it with the second one a little more seamlessly. Only the first two paragraphs were written as part of the challenge, but what I added to link them is pretty much where I wanted to go with it with the foreshadowing of the decrepit nature of the car.

If you want to be a good writer, you've got to write. If you want to learn how to shorten your writing, you need to write short stories. So that's what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to make my full-sized books as gripping as these little nuggets.

I'll have more for you later, as I've done several of these challenges over the past few months. Let me know how you liked this one, maybe I'll explore it a little further for you.

.

Centennial Celebration

.

This here post is my 100th since moving the site to Blogger.com, barely 14 months ago, and we've come a long way, baby! A lot has changed, in front of the scenes and behind them. To celebrate this, and our next 100, and because I've gotten several questions about this lately, I'm going to tell you a little about the story behind the story.

In 1995, I joined the Navy. It was great for a while, but things slowly got out of hand, and it was starting to get hard to maintain a sense of humor about everything. Finally in 2000, the powers that be finally had enough sense to put me in the computer repair department, which was where I was supposed to have been put in the first place. By then, though, I was pretty sick of everything - I wasn't nearly the positive person back then as I am now and didn't fully appreciate all the good stuff I had going for me - and needed to blow off a little steam. What better idea than to register a really cool domain name?

So I cranked up the internet, which was still pretty new back then, and found register.com. There was only one name I wanted to register. It was a name that was cool, that I'd been using for some time on the internet elsewhere. So I tried to register theds.com.

Unfortunately, it was already taken.

I had checked it out, and taken a few days to think about whether I wanted to go through with it or not, but when I came back to do the deed, the name was taken. Who would take a name like theds.com? No, Nintendo was still many years away from creating their DS gaming device. Rather, it was a for-pay cracking group known as The Damned Souls. I don't have any problem with people unlocking my games for me so that I don't need no stinkn' CD in the drive to play; I've really got better things to do than carry my CD collection with me everywhere I go. But those guys didn't do it for the love of the work, they did it for money. Worse, they sold copies of the games they cracked, an act that until recently was considered downright despicable.

Crushed, I had to think of another name to register.

What to use? What would say "squid"? What would allow me to rag on the bad times I had in the Navy, or celebrate the good times if I wanted? What described my experience best?

It was then I hit on mopjockey.com.

Immediately I had grand dreams to fulfill. I'd created several parodies about the Navy and the Bataan and my time there, and was itching to post them up for my friends to enjoy. However, in my desire to do things perfectly, I never got around to getting my stuff posted. I just had some piddly three-page thingamabob barely one step above "Hello World". For the first several years, the site was pretty well neglected. I probably got 100 hits that weren't mine in the first four years.

A few years later, I got sold some web space and decided to revamp the site. I posted up a lot of cool stuff about myself and my knowledge about computers and everything else I'm good at. I had about 10 pages of interesting information, and over the course of the next four years, I had accumulated about 1500 hits other than mine. I also introduced a forum and had a few people use it now and then. Clearly I was doing something right to have so much more interest.

In early 2009, as I was getting started with driving for my last trucking company, I started getting much more serious about the site because I had a lot of good ideas to post. I revamped the site again and put up about 30 pages of cool information about the Navy, trucks, some of my favorite computer games, and a handful of opinion pieces.

But then, a few months later, just before I visited the Stonehouse, my webhost suddenly went belly-up. For about three months afterward, I had no site. Since I was on the road, and my computer also died during that time, I had no time or ability to look for another one. I briefly tried to make use of Godaddy's free host, but like Register's free host, it had a spammy banner ad on it that messed up the site, so I was forced to park it there with minimal content.

Luckily, by now, the state of the internet had progressed significantly, and so in late 2009, I discovered that Google had bought Blogger.com and was offering free blogs. Before this time, I didn't pay blogs any attention, but one of my cousins whom I visited in September pointed me to Nathan Bransford, who then pointed me to several others, and when I saw how pretty those were, I knew it was a Sign From Above.

Articles were easy to post, pictures were easy to add, and no need for a seperate forum - people can comment directly on the articles, and they don't even have to register if they don't want to! Plus, I've got followers! Yay! But most importantly, I've got great stuff to write and I've gotten tons of praise for it. That's how you know you're doing good, when people you barely know are telling other people you barely know how awesome you are without prompting them to.

Back in June, Google started offering site metrics for free, and in the intervening six months, I've gotten a considerable amount of traffic, far more than I realized.

Today, Mopjockey.com is in transition. It started out as a bunch of jokes about the Navy, jokes which never got published (but still might one day). In the future, it will be a respected place, a place where people go to read (or watch) all kinds of fun, useful stuff. For now, though, it's a testbed. I'm trying out different things. I've started doing interviews with famous people, I'm lining up guest authors, I've given speeches, and I've got several different series in the works. One was about health, another about the solar system. And I irregularly comment about the craziness that goes on around the world or around Daytona Beach.

We're finding ourselves. And it's not going to take 14 months to make another 100 posts. Several have joined us already. You can too. Welcome to Mopjockey.com, where we offer More in Sanity. I'm your host, Jaycee Adams, and I promise the next 10 years will be a lot more exciting than the last 10.
















_______

Other articles you'll find interesting or fun:
How to Make More Money
Dear Mel Gibson
Ron Riekki - 2010
Flash Fiction is all the Rage

.

Speak, Jaycee, speak!

.

Jim Thompson, leader of the Port Orange Scribes writer's group, has asked your favorite Jaycee Adams (as opposed to all the others out there using my name) to speak to his group about something I've been learning a lot about lately: blogging and self-promotion.

No matter what kind of artistic business you're engaging in - writing, singing, acting, painting, TV or movie making, miming - you need to get the attention of LOTS of people if you plan to live off it. There are lots of ways of doing this: blogging, social networking sites, getting into the news (paper, TV, radio, internet, telepathy), and being interviewed through the various media, to name just a few, and the more you use, the more people you reach, which means the more chance you have to make it big. I'll be going over these briefly, and then focus on blogging for three simple reasons: writers write, blogging is good writing practice, and you get to say anything you want to.

I'm all for doing the least work possible for the most gain possible, so when you show up, you're going to find out the fastest, easiest way to get known and get your work sold. Simply show up at the Java Jungle, 4606 South Clyde Morris Blvd, Port Orange, FL, second floor, at 6:30 pm on Wednesday the 17th, and Jim and I will take it from there.

I'll be discussing your options for self-promotion. Much of it will be about blogging - where to get a blog, how to design it, what to write about, how to get readers, how to get help, and so forth. But I'll also be talking about how easy it is to get media attention for your work.An internet presence is a critical component of success, and I'll be teaching you how to build it and manage it with the minimum effort possible.

For those of you who haven't been to Jim's group, he discusses how to be a better writer, conducts writing exercises to help you stretch your skills, gives you a chance to practice your quick, attention-grabbing introduction, and critques writing. If you have any interest in being a professional writer (or even just a hobbyist) and you can make it to Port Orange, they meet on the first and third Wednesdays.

Jim has two books published under the name J. W. Thompson, and has a series of three more on the way. He's all about helping others get published.

See you there Wednesday the 17th!

_______

More articles that will interest or amuse you:
Nicholas Marks - 2010
Expose Yourself #2 - Straight to the T.O.P.
What makes for good TV?

.

Site Metrics Unveiled

.

Hey, everyone! I thought I'd clue you in on what's been going on around here, because it's pretty fantastic!

The other day, I discovered that Google now includes a modest suite of site-metrics for Blogger.com websites! Outstanding! I've been reviewing them, and you'd be shocked and amazed at what I've found.

For one, I get visitors from all over the world. The bulk are from the USA, of course, but a suprising number come from elsewhere. Canada, The United Kingdom, Germany, The Netherlands, Australia, Sweden, Romania, Mexico, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, Latvia, Chile, Ghana, and New Zealand all generate a surprising amount of traffic.

Another surprise was that 50% of my visitors use IE, 28% use Firefox, and the remainder are made up of the usual suspects (Safari, Chrome, and Opera), but with a couple surprises, such as Java and Netscape. The real shock, though, was the operating systems and the way the numbers have changed over the past few months.

87% of visitors use Windows, and 6% use Mac. What about the other 7%? I was SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I tell you!

The iPhone users made up over 1/3 of the bulk, and another third went to "Other" Unix. Making up the remaining 2% of my visitors are users of the iPad, Linux, Playstation, BlackBerry, PlayStation Portable, and Nintendo Wii.

Wow! People are visiting my site with GAME MACHINES and PHONES!

I love it!

Thank you all!

Over time, though, the statistics have changed markedly. The stats above are all-time numbers since Google started doing this back in May. In the past 30 days (as of right now), 8% fewer people have used Firefox and 7% more have used IE to visit me. 2% fewer people used Windows, and, get this: IPhone users outnumbered Mac users! Both had 5% of the visits, but there were a few extra iPhone users.

And in the past 7 days, 66% of visitors did so with IE, and only 13% used Firefox. 88% used Windows, and Mac and iPhone both tied at 4%.

That's pretty cool!

It also tells me what the most popular search terms are, where people come from, and which pages are visited most frequently. I was a bit surprised at the results, especially since the most used search term to reach me was the name of a guy I've only used once on the site. I suppose I shouldn't be, since everyone wants to know who he is and there's nothing out there to tell you what kind of a guy he is and whether he's as dangerous as you've probably heard. Since I'm not interested in propping up his career, I'm not going to mention it now. Maybe later. I can tell you that if you google for him, this site is high on the results list.

Which articles are most popular? Probably the one you came in on, since 90% of you are coming for four articles, but staying to read everything else. I'll have more of those topics for you in the future!

When I first came here to Google Blogger, I set up all kinds of helpful cross-linking tools: categories, archiving, and so on, but apparently that wasn't enough, so I just recently added a few links to the end of many articles to direct traffic elsewhere. I didn't restrict these cross-links to similar topics, because I have a plethora of things here worth reading, because I read about a plethora of things. I still saw a corresonding increase in traffic, so I'll be using this tool more often, and now that I've got 80 articles, I'll be able to link up related posts more often and we'll see how well that does for the traffic. I spent a few hours editing articles to add these links in.

The only thing left is to start getting more active participation. I do occasionally get emails, but not many comments or votes or followers. And I do get the occasional PERSONAL comment, like from a friend who reads it. Only a handful of people have bought something through one of my Amazon links, but that's all it takes to pay for this place.

Thank you, to those of you who have helped me out, and thank you to those who will continue to do so. Here are a few things for you to consider buying, and then some other articles to check out.
















_______

Further articles that may interest or help you:
Expose Yourself #1 – Smilin’ Bill
BobParsons is a friggin' genius
Got Lobstah?

.

F-35B - Taking STOVL to a New Level

.

F-35B - Taking STOVL to a New Level

A friend sent me this. I haven't paid a lot of attention to these guys in a while, so it's nice to see some progress has been made. In 2000 or 2001 they visited my ship, the Bataan, to check out its suitability as a platform for the aircraft and to conduct some tests. I don't know if they brought a test aircraft or not, as us regular people weren't privy to such information, but I remember it because I managed to get a lapel pin shaped like one of thse aircraft. Recently, I lost track of it, but I'm pretty sure I've still got it somewhere. It was quite neat to look at.

Bataan currently carries a handful of Harrier II aircraft, which are flown by Marine aviators. I was fortunate enough to be able to watch one of them land from the air operations center once, and it was quite a show. I won't describe it here because I can't do it justice with just text, so you'll have to hook up with me at some event I attend and ask me about it then. If you're lucky, I'll've found my JSF pin by then too!

Here's a couple links to get some F-35 information and stuff, and one about the Bataan Death March, which my ship is named for. I couldn't find a model of the ship to link up for you. IIRC there's an F-35 Lightning flight simulator out there for the computer, but apparantly Amazon doesn't have any for sale right now. Anything you buy through these links helps keep this site running, even if it's not what I linked. Thank you for your support!

Polycast 100 was quite awesome

.

I thought it was going to be run a little differently, including the introduction I got. I was a "mystery guest", and I thought everyone would be trying to guess who I was, so I had a few lines ready to go. But, most likely thanks to technical difficulties in getting connected to the call, Dan gave away who I was before I could get on, so I tossed out the silly voice and impersonations and just did a few gags I'd prepared in advance, riffing on Phil (The MEAT in Team) and Maki, our Nikki Reed impersonator. (This one, not that one.) Or would that be impersonatrix? I don't know that works. And I got one on KMad. I just thought of another one, but it's too late now. Maybe if we're ever on a show together I'll remember it and hit her with it.

It was a lot of fun, and when he releases the final version, I hope he keeps most of it in. Once again, I want to applaud Dan for his technical achievements, and this time I also want to applaud his assistant, MLS (sorry, I'm terrible with names) for keeping the show going so smoothly.

When it comes out, I'll be sure to let you guys know.



There were a few good gags in the chat window, but because of my computer set up, I had to close the chat window while I was on the Skype call, and then when I left the call, had to bring the chat window back up, which took a few mins, so I missed out on some good chat. I also had about 10 minutes where I was completely off-line due to my internet connection going down, but thankfully not during my appearances.

One thing I did catch right after my scheduled appearance was over and I got the chat running again, though, was that one of the guys who'd been on before me gave me a really cool compliment, but he was kind of chastising himself at the same time. He said, "I wish I could've been that funny and interesting."

Thanks! I appreciate the vote of confidence.

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you don't need to lower yourself to praise me. One of the many things I've been doing with my life lately is finding out where I'm sabotaging myself. If I had given a compliment like that in the past, it would have been meant as sincere flattery, but at the same time, it would have been a put-down for myself. I've spent quite enough time putting myself down and ignoring people who tell me how great they think I am. I was afraid to be "full of myself" or something like that, but I know now that such talk, when done over the course of years, especially one's formative years, robs us of our self-confidence and our ability to realize that we DO deserve to be on the Earth.

There are plenty of people who don't think the rest of us belong, and most of us just go along with it, wanting to get along and not make any waves and avoid getting beaten up. I don't worry about that so much any more; I don't keep my opinions to myself as much as I used to. I don't mean that in a brash way, I mean it in an assertive way. I have a right to be here and take up as much space as I take up, and if you can't deal with that, that's your problem, not mine.

So what I want to say is, when offering thanks, you can offer them from a place of strength and self-worth. You can say, "you were very funny and interesting," without having to demean yourself. Your praise was intended as a gift, and I thank you for it in the spirit in which it was intended, and I hope in the future, when you offer such a gift to others, it will be a much better one that comes from someone who is confident, instead of someone who feels like they need to treat themselves like dirt to fully appreciate me. Would you rather have the thanks of a man who is at least your equal, or would you rather they come from someone who isn't even that much? I'll take either, of course, but I'd prefer it from my equals and betters, and I'd prefer it if you allowed yourself to be my equal or better.

(For those of you wondering, one of my friend is the world-renowned Savvi, a thought adjuster, and I'm trying to put some of her teachings into use and share them with others so we can all say more positive things about ourselves to ourselves.)

.

Today is Polycast Day

.

Greetings, y'all! And welcome all you dang foreigners from other countries. Dear Lord, be with our guests and prepare them for the butt-whoopin' they are about to receive! - Jeff Foxworthy, Intro to the Redneck Games.

I'm so excited! Today is Polycast Day, and I'll tell you more about it in a minute.

I should be congratulated because I'm finally caught up on the ebay shipping debacle! Last weekend I sent three boxes of goodies to paying customers, and somehow the post office managed to undercharge me, so instead of just sending the boxes on, they spent more than the difference to send them back, which, of course, cuts into MY costs and credibility too. And since I was out all weekend, I didn't have any way to take care of it until Wednesday. But I did manage to get them in the post, with the proper postage this time, and thsoe of you who bought box-games from me will be getting them soon. (They have NOT come back here, so they must be getting shipped.)

Also, I may have found a replacement to get the rest of my stuff listed. I was hoping she'd be coming over this morning, but I haven't heard back from her yet. She came over yesterday to check out the size of the job, then provided a BRILLIANT solution to the problem.


The problem with having someone else do the listings is that either they have to come here and spend all day doing the job at my place, which is a distraction for me, or they have to take the books to their place, which opens me up to the possibility of having them stolen. One possible solution I came across was to get a deposit, but it feels a little silly to ask for $200 from someone I'm hiring.

What she came up with was to just take pictures of everything while she was here, and then take them to her place and do the listings there.

PICTURES!!!! YAY!!!

So even if she ends up flaking out on me today, I'll have a much more attractive solution to the problem for the next person who responds to the ad.

So yes, folks, the rest of my stuff WILL be going up soon, probably with pictures. There's only a couple things up right now, but that WILL change SOON. Stay tuned to my auction listing page!

Next up, I finally have a business card! Email me and maybe I'll send you one. Then you too will be able to find out what I'm doing for a living that's convinced me I no longer need to hold on to a bunch of games I haven't been able to play in over 6 years and is helping me to change my life even more.

And finally, what you've been dying to hear, today, one of my Canadian buddies, Daniel "DanQ" Quick, is doing a LIVE Polycast show. Why live? Because it's the 100th episode! Join the celebration of this major landmark, and bear witness to some exciting special events, most of which he's not telling anyone about until the show starts.

Dan does a bi-weekly podcast in support of his favorite computer game, Civilization 4, and he calls the show Polycast. I've appeared on 3 shows already - the third one is due for release any day now - and it's a blast to be a part of it, plus it's really interesting to see how good he is at editing. If you listen in to the show today, you'll get a sense of what it's like to record one of these shows, and then if you listen to an episode - I think he intends to do an editing job on this one and release it, just like any other - you'll notice that he does an AMAZING job. Dan really should do this professionally, he's that good at it. Please join me in doing everything possible to encourage and support him in this.

Dan also produces TWO other podcasts, also related to Civ4. I'm not 100% sure he does the editing for them, as he's not a regular on them, but he probably does.

Click here to attend today's LIVE 100th episode extravaganza, which will run from 1:00 pm EDT to 3:00, and may run a little long since he's never done a live show before.

Click here to see his list of episodes. Even if you have no interest in Civ4, the first 5-10 minutes and the last 5 minutes or so are usually pretty funny. Intros are everyone's chance to (try to) be funny, and he tacks bloopers and stuff on the end.

Click here to see the official announcement he made on CivFanatics and a few of the responses. (He's got another announcement page somewhere with a lot more traffic on it, but I don't know where it is off hand.)

Thanks for stopping by! I'll see you later.

Damien Walters... DAY-AMN!!!

.

This guy is freakin' amazing! And whoever put together this video of his talents did an outstanding job as well. I totally love the music, though not all of you will. If you thought Parkour was cool in that James Bond movie, Casino Royale, you're gonna be flabbergasted by this guy. Check this video out:

YouTube - Damien Walters Showreel 2009

I found this out because I finally broke down and got on Facebook (here's me), and one of my friends from the Navy, that Guy guy, had this linked up on his page.

I've been hunting around looking for other old buddies, and managed to find a few. But after the initial burst of activity, what would be the point in continuing to play with it? So few people do, and this site here has plenty for me to keep busy with. But I might just try friending Damien, maybe offering him a job.

Today, I've been busy writing an outline for a movie script. Based on something I wrote several years ago, it's actually a complete story that got wrapped up in another, larger story. It's just about the right size that it could be made into a decent action/thriller movie, and Damien looks very much like the kind of guy I envisioned for the role all those years ago. I just hope he can act! (And if not, I hope he knows someone as good as he is who can!)


 In other news, this is quite possibly one of the funniest Family Guy clips on Earth.

So here's the story.


You're minding your own business, taking care of your kids, one of whom is twice as smart as you are but afraid to let you know it, when your stripper wife is killed in a housefire, leaving you even more destitute than you already were. But since you can't be sure she was in the house, you look around, trying to find out for sure if she's dead or if she's safe somewhere. You try to ask the Secret Service, who've been spying on you for the past couple weeks because of some counterfeit bills you had to pass in order to feed your kids, what they saw, but they take off before you can get to them. Something about looking insane probably scared them into running you over with their van. After some digging, you find a clue that she might be alive, and where she might be. You track down the guy who may have been the last person to see her alive and find out, not only did he kidnap her, but he burned your house down, hoping you would be killed. Some unfortunate house burglar must have set off the traps and that's whose body was in the wreckage. You beat the crap out of him until he tells you where your wife is, and it's a race against time as you speed across Chicago to save her before she's sold off into a white-slavery ring and lost forever to some dude with more money than God and a taste for exotic women. Can you get there in time and kick enough ass? Will your children be sent to an orphanage because you couldn't accept her loss? And can you ever reclaim the life you once had before you were thrown out on the streets?

Find out in : "Get Momma Back"

This is a segment of a huge story I wrote about 15 years ago. My friend Natalie (who is also my biggest fan) has been telling me that another story I wrote would make for a good movie. Yesterday I got something in the mail from a guy trying to teach people how to write better scripts, and expressing interest in getting some made into films. That sparked the idea; I've been looking for a short (for me) story that I could write that would be worth making into a movie, and wham! There is was! I've been thinking about how to reuse all that old writing, and this is one way to do it. I've got quite a few other stories that work alongside this one that can be written up just as easily.

Of course, the trick is to write it. At least it shouldn't cost much to make.

There's a bunch of chasing and fighting and stuff, and Damien would be perfect for it. If he can act.

Anyway, that's the gist of it. I'll mention it again as I get stuff done, I'm sure.

.

It's Official: Asus doesn't Honor its Agreements

.

You've probably heard of Asus before, right? They make some really neat stuff. Motherboards and laptops and Eee machines, oh my! In many ways, they seem to lead the pack in providing the newest features, and seem to be designed a little smarter than most. But unfortunately, there are several areas where they have a serious lacking: Customer Support and Quality Control being chief among them.

If you have a problem with one of your Asus products, which you will, don't count on getting it taken care of in a timely manner, and in some cases, not at all! Let me review a little history and I'll show you why I'm sick and tired of that company's poor excuse for customer service.

About four years ago, I needed a laptop to replace the wonderful Compaq I'd bought second-hand off someone. I wanted one with a big screen, and in the PROPER 4:3 ratio, not this absurd 8:5 or 16:9 that they can't seem to decide upon. All my pictures and wallpapers are 4:3, but I needed the big screen to be able to see my GPS program while I was driving my truck. Asus was the only company that made a laptop to the specifications I needed, those specs including the need to have 2 USB ports and a power connecter that were NOT on the right side of the machine, because that side was resting against the seat-back so I could see the display. Even a year ago when I was going through a nightmare trying to get my laptop fixed, I still couldn't find any other readily available laptop that met these conditions. (You can't get a proper-aspect screen from anyone any more.)

Right from the start, I got hit with bad service. It took them several days longer to get the computer to me than they said it would, and my dad had to rush it up to me because I was leaving to be on the road for the next month, and had already had to leave home. That's a story in itself for later.

That computer broke pretty quick. It took a while to get it replaced, but eventually they did replace it. Over the past four years I've had about 5 different computers, not counting loaners from the computer shop. Asus laptops don't last very long at all. They're not made well. The one I'm currently stuck with was not the model I asked for, but it's fallen apart as well, getting dead pixels within a couple months and one of the keys broke and the case is cracked too. Asus doesn't want to fix these simple problems that I've complained about for six or seven months now.

When my power jack broke last year, it was one hell of a hassle to get it fixed. Their repair network database seems to be filled with people who have no connection to them whatsoever, and in some cases, doesn't even have a proper address. I went to about 8 different "repair places" in 3 different major metro areas before I finally found someone who could actually DO the job. Thank God my company didn't notice the hundreds of extra miles I put on the truck in pursuit of getting this problem fixed. And thank Him again for inspiring the techs who did the job to hurry the heck up and do it quickly. (They also cleaned up the inside of the computer so it ran cooler again for a while.)

But now, we're up to the same tricks again. My laptop is broke again. I want it replaced before the abysmally-short 2-year warranty runs out. I've been on their case for about 3 months now, as it expires next month, and they're changing their story every time we call them. Their site has a lot of nifty looking computers, but apparently you can't buy them. I chose one I wanted, and after some runaround, was told they don't make them any more. But they're STILL up on the site! Now they're making the shop BUY a whole new computer, which isn't really even the one I wanted, because they claim I'm out of warranty.

Hey, I know exactly when my warranty is up because of all the hassle I got trying to get it fixed last year. They were very clear that it ended in August of this year, but somehow, even though I've reported THREE MONTHS AGO that I need this piece of trash replaced, it's suddenly not in warranty.

This is hardly the first time I've gotten MONTHS of runaround from those people, either. In the four years I've owned an Asus laptop, I've probably only gotten to use a working one for about three years. Yes, that's somewhere in the neighborhood of TWELVE MONTHS those guys have been jerking me around. If I had a high-priced lawyer in my pocket, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing would come to a sudden stop.

But I don't have a lawyer. I have you guys, and you guys are even better, because when you spread the word about the business practices of a company like that - long periods of runaround, horrible quality control, refusal to honor warranties, extreme incompetence, and what I can only describe as bait-and-switch tactics - they're gonna sit up and take notice.

Why would I tell you about this instead of just hiring a lawyer? A lawyer would protect just MY interests, and get just ME a new computer one time, one that will still be shoddily made. But when I let YOU guys know what's going on, YOUR interests get served because they have to fix their problems for ALL OF YOU if they want to stay in business. I might get a new computer out of them if I send a lawyer after them, but if I send you after them, we ALL get better computers and better service.

If you would like to be part of encouraging a faceless corporation to change its ways and honor its agreements with you, or to at least make a product that doesn't break so readily that they only offer a two year warranty on it, please let your friends know what's going on. Friends don't let friends get ripped off by crappy companies.

.

Got Lobstah?

.

I feel like I'm pretty well traveled, having just recently upped the number of states I've been to to 45. For a long time, I had been waiting to get into South Dakota, and a few months back, I finally did it. There was a time a couple years ago when I was in Minnesota and I had to go to Montana, and I had to choose between North Dakota or South Dakota as the way to get there. I figured with all the driving I was doing, it would be harder to get to North Dakota a second time, so I went that way. I had no idea it would take about 3 more years before I got into South Dakota! I only nicked the corner of it, though, and only because I went a little out of my way to do it.

Then a few weeks ago, I finally got to go somewhere else new. I love seeing new places, and I haven't been in hog heaven like this for a long time. First, they sent me up through the Adirondacks to Lake Champlain. I've never been in that part of upstate New York before, and I figured that, since I'd never been closer to the northeast corner of the USA than Boston, looking at Vermont from across the lake was all the closer I was going to get to it.


Wrong!

Next thing I knew, they wanted me to go to Maine! Woo hoo!!

So I continued up to the Canadian border until I got to within a mile of it. There's a bridge across the lake there, and you can see Quebec from it. Then I headed down through Vermont, then across New Hampshire and the White Mountains, until finally I reached Maine. Just in the Adam's apple part of it, not the face or the head.

Unfortunately, lobster was out of season when I went through, drat the luck! But at least I got to miss out on the snow storms that raged on to the south.

For a good 48 hours, I was in Terra Incognita, and it was awesome! Knocked out 3 new states in one fell swoop. Now I just need to get the northwest corner and my collection of continental states will be complete.

Haven't gotten around to updating my list of places I've been yet, but I'll get to it in a while. I've been pretty busy lately. For the most part, they've been keeping me busy, which is good. Surprising that it's been somewhat good; apparently the economy is recovering.

All right, that's all I've got for you for now. Tune in later as I continue with my serieses.

.

Happy 21st birthday Tiffany!

.

Today, my favorite niece turns 21. She's probably going to spend part of it the way most kids do, but she's got some really interesting things in mind too. Wish I could be there to help her celebrate, but I gotta work. She'll be staying at the Hilton, so if you're there and you witness any young girls acting all drunk, that might be her. But it might not be. But just in case it is, be nice to her and say, "Uncle Jimmy says hi". You don't get to call me that, but she does.

In the past couple days I got to do a lot of exciting things. First, I got to direct traffic in a jammed truckstop. Seems that when the snow starts coming down, truckers forget how to drive and get clogged up in small roadways. I went out there and helped get it cleared up. Now I know how rewarding the job of traffic cop is.

Next, I got to go several places I've never been before. I spent a good two days in unknown territory and loved every moment of it! Well, okay, not the part about being thrown around by crappy roads, and not the part about paying tolls, but other than that, it was great!

First, they sent me to upstate New York. I've never been there before the other day ago. On the way up, I skirted through the eastern side of the Adirondacks until I got to a little town on Lake Champlain. I figured looking at Vermont was the closest I was going to get, since in 4 years I haven't been this way. I took a few pics of the lake - which was frozen, but not nearly enough to walk out on - and counted myself lucky for what I'd gotten: the better part of the day in places I'd never been.

But then they wanted me to go to.... Dun dun DUUUUHH!!

Maine.

Yes, that one.

Overjoyed, even at the prospect of being cheated out of over a hundred miles on this trip (I'm usually cheated out of only about 50), I made my way north until I got to the bridge that goes across the lake. That bridge is within a mile of Quebec, a province I haven't been in, but I have it on film. Digital film, I mean. Microchip. Anyway, next thing I knew, I was in Vermont! Woo hoo! And holy cow, was I happy to discover that Vermont has free wifi in its rest areas! Too bad I couldn't spend the night, as I had to get to Maine by morning.

So I headed cross-country on some bad roads. I was in Vermont about 3 hours, including a couple times I stopped for pictures and potty breaks. And then, before I could go crazy having to drive so slow on these back roads that still had some snow on them, I was in New Hampshire! Woo hoo!

But the roads there were even crummier there, and I was only in the state about an hour or so. I almost forgot to stop and walk on the ground; I remembered just before I got out of the state. I didn't get to drive on more than 5 miles of interstate, so I have no idea what their rest areas are like.

As the sun was getting close to the ground, I crossed in to Maine, that unique state. It's the only state in the Union that borders only 1 other state, AND it's the only one whose name is but one syllable. And the roads were worse still! But at least I found a place to stop that had free wifi. (I update my list of free wifi locations now and then.)

Oops, I forgot. Maine! Woo hoo!

Okay, so here I am, hoping I can find some place that sells cheap lobster. Turns out, I'm a couple months early. You gotta go in late March. Most of the seafood places were closed. But I did manage to find a place to eat. But it didn't look like they ever sold lobster for cheap. But I definitely had fun. I got to drive along the coast and take some really nice pictures. Maine's got some nice beaches, except for all that ice on them.

So I got me a tee-shirt to prove I've been there, and found a coconut for one of my little cousins, and then proceeded down to Massachusetts, until I got to Connecticut, to one of the first places I ever drove my truck, and also the first place anyone ever tried to destroy my truck. But that's a story for another day.

I'll update my travel post when I get the chance.

The third thing I've got for you is a minor update to the site. When I originally wrote the article that you can find at stonehouse.mopjockey.com I wrote it for a less-mature audience at a different site (totally unlike the audience I've got here). Well, that audience has been served, and so now that I have a different (and much better) audience, I revamped the article so it reflects my level of professionalism slightly more accurately. Go ahead and check it out and tell me what you think of it. And if you go see Crissy, tell her where you read about her. I'll be updating other parts of the site here and there, and let you know when I do.

Lastly, I've been extra busy of late. I'm really surprised my trucking company has been keeping me so busy. Usually the first few months of the year are slow, and this company I drive for is rather notorious for making me sit even during the good months, but so far I've been doing a lot of driving, and what little free time I have, I've been using it to work on articles for the site and trying to get other personal business taken care of. But I haven't forgotten, oh no, not by a long shot. In the coming months, I plan to unveil a new business, which I expect to allow me to break the chains of wage-slavery once and for all! Not immediately, but within a few months after I launch it.

Wish me some good luck, and be your best!

(And, as always, buy something from Amazon using one of these links to help keep this site afloat. Thanks!)

The power of "but"

.

We've all done it. We've all said something like, "I'd like to exercise more, but I don't have the time." Or, "I'd love to get a new car, but I don't have the money." Or, "I'd like to make it to the next level of my career, but I'm afraid of having to pay my dues again, or I might fail."

'But' is a powerful word. It cancels out what comes before it. Why not put the power of that word to use for you?

I can't count how many 'but's have held me back, but they're not going to do it any more.

I'm scared to change, but I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm going to be embarrassed when I screw this up, but I don't care; I'd rather do it and say that I lived than not do it and have nothing to say.

Amazing, isn't it? I used to let my fears of both success and failure hold me back, but I don't do it so much any more, because every time I notice I'm chickening out, I say something to myself and then 'but' it out.

'But' out your bad 'but's, and see what a difference it makes! In the coming months, I'll be bringing more of these little gems that have helped me change my life, and putting many more of them into my book. It might not sell well, but I don't care, I'm going to do what I can to help anyone who has decided they're not going to settle for less than the best they can be. I've got several students already, and now you're one too. Congratulations! Now get out there and be your best!

This article was partially inspired by this recent post.

_____

Other articles you'll find interesting or helpful:
How to Talk Like a Trucker
Up to 5.5 Miles, and a Computer Store in a Hairdresser
The Great Organic Myths
Hey baby, what's your sign?

.

Flash Fiction is all the Rage

.

In my quest to become a writer, I've discovered a lot of interesting things about the industry. One of the avenues of learning I've come across is something known as a writer's group, or a critique group. The one I discovered today introduced me to something really interesting called Flash Fiction. Essentially, you're given 10 random words and 15 minutes in which to write a coherent story that incorporates as many of those words as possible. I thought it was a pretty interesting exercise, and it got my creative juices flowing immediately.

Want to participate?

Here are the 10 words I was given:


sterling
bill
hang
protest
assert
innovation
picky
meet
flamboyant
waggle

Now take 15 minutes to write out a short story that incorporates as many of those words as possible. Then post it in the comments! Best story will win a fabulous no-prize, the kind which Stan Lee used to award.

I'll post my entry in the comments, so you can write your own without being unduly influenced.

GO!

P.S. To help me pay the bills, after you've posted your story, click on one of these links and buy something from Amazon. It doesn't have to be what you clicked on as long as you click one of these links. Thanks!



.

Good Thing these People aren't in Charge of our Economy

.

A couple days ago, I received what I initially thought was an interesting proposal that might actually work. I occasionally get puzzles that other people can't figure out, like the triangle rearranging puzzle and the missing card magic trick and various math-based puzzles. And then I did the math on this one.


Here, let me share with you this particular spam that people have been conned into spreading, so that you can give anyone dumb enough to keep spreading it a well-deserved smackdown. (Or you could sign them up for a beatdown. I'm still running the free special.)

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered. Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage. Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...
Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

Okay, to get the small potatoes out of the way, yeah, I agree that Congress should be subjected to the same crap they subject us to, but for some reason, no one's watching these watchers nor holding them accountable, so they get to do whatever they want because no one seems to care to hold them to the higher standard they're supposed to be held to.

With that out of the way, let's talk about the reason I'm making this post: On the surface, though this seems like an unusual plan, it might be one that could work. After all, we spend billions on all kinds of ridiculous things, why not something that would actually help? Unless, of course, we do the math.

It seems that this plan has a critical flaw: We don't have $40 TRILLION to spare. That's about the size of the whole WORLD'S economy (according to this page).

I pointed this out to the person who sent it to me, and she politely responded, "I believe giving $1 million each to 40 million people would cost only $40,000,000, not $40 trillion."

See, people don't do the math, and then they wind up embarrassing themselves. They walk into some place like Taco Bell and buy off their *cough* value menu *cough* without ever doing the math to see if they're actually saving anything. (Shockingly, they're not.) They walk into a convenience store and buy... well,... anything. They create grief for other people without ever realizing that in the end, they're creating grief for themselves too.

Whether it's someone creating spam or someone hacking into computers or someone being a total jerk to others or a public official abuses his or her power or we the public let that happen, we all lose.

And there's a second issue here: unbridled belief. There are entirely too many people who have blind belief in things that they don't take a moment to examine logically. I'm talking things from believing that a million million is still a million all the way to people believing that they can't make a difference in the world, or that we should turn off our brains and disacknowledge the patently obvious around us.

Things like Evolution. It's been proven, as much as something like that can be, and yet, there are people so violently opposed to it that they have to have some kind of warning sticker on books that teach it. Millions of dollars are wasted fighting the truth. Strangely, these same people have no problem whatsoever accepting the medical benefits that the Theory of Evolution conveys. Instead these people want to teach Creationism as if it were science. Hello!?! Creationism has nothing to do with science! Science is about finding out how God (or your deity of choice) made the Universe, not about saying, "God made the Universe". Science is about discovering God's miracles; it can't possibly prove or disprove His existence unless He wants it to.

I have someone else who fervently believes that we can't possibly damage the Earth, that we have exactly how much oil we need and there's no need to worry, that someone will find the way. And yet, it's precisely that worrying about the oil running out that motivates us humans to find some other source of energy. Perhaps she's right, and God will give us the answer when we need it, or maybe He expects us to take care of ourselves and clean up our own mess. I don't know about you, but when the Big Man comes for a visit, I don't want the house He left me to be in a shambles.

"So what the hell are you saying, Jaycee?" you're dying to ask. I'll tell you... over the course of the next few years... but I'm willing to bet some of you have already gotten the gist of what I'm saying. In the meantime, keep watching this space.

.

How to Talk Like a Trucker

.

After national talk-like-a-pirate-day became ridiculously popular, it was only natural that national talk-like-a-ninja-day would be commissioned.... except, no one knows how ninjas talk! They're just so dad-gum secretive. So instead, we've commissioned national talk-like-a-trucker-day, which is to be celebrated on October 14th, which coincidentally is the day I got my CDL.

To help you talk like a real trucker, I've gathered together some of the slang and jargon I've heard and used over the years. Read on!

10-4: This one means "Okey dokey". Sometimes it's said as "10-4 good buddy", but usually that's only in the movies. Lately, some people have been abbreviating it to just "10".

Breaker one nine: This one means, "I want to say something and I think I'm on channel 19." Channel 19 is the common channel that most everyone uses, and now and then someone will break in because they have something to say and don't want to be interrupted. Some people abuse this to spam, and need to have their radios confiscated, because spamming the CB is illegal. This phrase is so well known that regular people will use it, even when they're on a different channel than 19, as one of my Coast Guard friends reports.

What's your Twenty: Where are you?

Bear, Smoky, or Smoky Bear: This is a cop. There are actually several different kinds of cops, and each has it's own special term.
   Diesel Weasel: This is a DOT cop, who is out there to mess with truckers and little else. Also referred to as diesel bears.
   Chicken coop: Not a cop, but rather a weigh station, where you tend to have a lot of diesel bears hanging out.
   Full-grown bear: This is a state trooper. Sometimes you hear the term super-trooper used to describe them.
   County Mounty: A county sheriff
   Evel Knievel: Motorcycle cop
   Plain brown wrapper: Unmarked police car. Sometimes they're referred to by their actual color, usually white.
   Kojak with a Kodak: A cop with a radar gun or laser gun, which may or may not be connected to a camera, and he's aimed it at traffic.
   Bear in the air: A police helicopter.

Pickle park: Rest area

Skateboard: flatbed truck

Big truck: a semi-truck. You hear this one a suprising amount of the time, even though 99% of the time when someone's talking about a truck, that's what they're talking about.

The roads themselves have a few terms:
   Get-off: Exit ramp
   Get-on: Entrance ramp
   Hammer lane: Left Lane
   Slow lane: Right Lane
   Granny lane: An extra slow lane provided for getting up hills
   Zipper: the dotted line in the middle of the road

Lot lizard: Prostitute

Four wheeler: Car, pickup, van, motor home. Anything that isn't a truck of some sort.

Yardstick: Mile marker

Gator: Tire tread in the middle of the road

Brake check: Everyone ahead is slowing down, probably for no reason

Granny gear: the lowest gear the truck has

Jake Brake: This is that throaty growling sound you hear when some trucks decelerate, known as an engine brake.

Hammer down/

All right, that's all I've got for now. As I discover more, I'll update this post.

In the meantime, I've linked up a few toy trucks (and a Transformer). I was hoping to find some matchbox trucks or something of that nature like I used to have when I was little, but this was all I could find. Perhaps by the time you click on the link, they'll have one you can find.