You Didn't Exist Five Minutes Ago

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I just thought you might like to know that I created the entire universe about five minutes ago. (Six, considering how long it took you to read to this point.) "Yeah right," you say. See? I made you say that. "What about all my memories?" you ask. Simple: they're not real. I made them up. I created all kinds of little things for you all to discover, such as rings in trees indicating their age, sedimentary layers in the Earth indicating its age, and I even gave you all belly buttons, even though none of you were born. Why? Because that's the world you expect to find.

Why am I telling you this? Because a select few of you - those who are reading this now, in fact - are special beyond measure. I put within you a compulsion to come here right now so you would know the truth about the world in which you live.

Why would I go through the trouble of creating an entire universe and then take no care to ensure my own place at the very top? Who's to say I haven't? But I would like for the rest of the world to think so, and it is not for you or them to question that. Just accept it, and commence to accomplish the secret mission which I have assigned to you. You will find it hiding in your subconscious, not far from where I put the compulsion to come here 8 minutes ago.

I suppose you may wish to see proof I accomplished this feat. I'll provide it, but only as reward if you can prove I didn't do it. Remember, I made everything, including your memories. You have not actually done anything you remember doing; it's all an implanted memory to give you the illusion of free will.

Be good, convert the masses, and praise me once in a while, huh? I'll be watching.

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Merry Christmas!

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Depending on what my "frame size" is - that is, whether I'm big-boned, small-boned, or in the middle - the supposed ideal weight for a man of my height is 155, 165, or 175 pounds. When I was at my peak weight of 260 pounds - not really all that fat compared to a lot of people, especially most truckers - I said to myself that I needed to lose 100 pounds, mostly because it was a nice round number which was close enough to the truth. I dropped 56 pounds the first year without any serious effort, but then the weight held steady, and what's worse, I decided to stop driving, mostly because I was tired of getting ripped off by my company, but also because I wanted to put the finishing touches on my novel and then get it sold. I'd need a lot of time to study up on how to do all that, and driving (especially without getting paid for it) was wasting that time.

So consequently, I started regaining some of the weight I'd lost. I knew what the problem was: I was starting to over eat and my activity level had gone down. Finally, I managed to get it under control by making some minor changes to my diet and my behavior and the weight started falling off again. Then we took a trip out west and I stopped the diet, thinking we'd be extra active to make up for it.

Tip: Don't take trips with people who can't walk more than 2 miles in a day and who want to start the day at 9:00 and give up on the day at 4:00. You won't see much and you won't lose much weight from activity. I expected the guy twice my age and weight to cause a problem, but not the guy half my age and weight.

But anyway, I regained about 15 pounds in just those 3 weeks, so I had to drop them again.


The morning of Christmas Eve was a Saturday, and was the day I allow myself to eat anything. And I do. I really need to employ a little more self-restraint, especially since I'm so good at it the rest of the week, but so far I haven't been able to do it very much. But anyway, Saturday mornings, before I pig out, are the time of the week I weigh the least. I've had all week to eat right and get in my exercise and such, and hopefully take care of my bathroom business before the weigh-in and before the eating contest.

My weight was down to 190, which means I was down a total of 70 pounds from my peak at 260. Sure, I'd lost about half of those pounds several times, but at least it was easy to do once I got back into my routine. A few weeks ago I bought some new pants at size 34, a size I haven't worn since high school - about 20 years. Everyone who hasn't seen me in a while says I'm skinny and don't need to lose more weight. I look at myself in the mirror and I look a lot better, but I still need to knock several more pounds off. I still haven't fully committed to a real body-building workout yet, but at least my walking levels have held steady or increased.At least I know that if I can find a way to make a habit of working out the way I've made a habit of eating right and walking, then I'll be able to do it just as easily.

Ok, so you're caught up on that particular soap opera of my life, and it's high time I tell you about those secrets I promised.

On Saturday, I typically eat a lot of chocolate and cookies and other stuff. I can put on anywhere from 5 to 10 pounds over the course of the day, but it's almost all water because I'm drinking a lot of extra water to keep myself hydrated. During the week I drink about half a gallon a day, maybe a little more, but on Saturday I typically drink about a full gallon. A gallon of water is 8 pounds. During the week, I - pardon any crudity - pee a lot. I seem to get rid of as much water as I bring in. But on Saturday, although I'm drinking more water, I'm in the bathroom less, and when I am in there, my pee isn't as mildly yellow as it is during the week. Mild yellow means it's mostly water, which means I'm drinking the right amount of water. Faint yellow or nearly clear means too much water, and deeper yellow means not enough water. If it's REALLY yellow, you REALLY need to drink some water!

I also noticed, while I was scarfing down some of those Reese's Christmas trees that I was not just drinking a lot of extra water as I lost nearly all self-control, but I was actually feeling VERY thirsty as I did so. It was then I realized, this was NOT the first time that had happened. I'm almost always thirsty on Saturday, particularly after eating a lot of sugar.

Well, the ingredients list has a lot of sugar, of course, but there's also a lot of sodium, which is essentially salt. Salt in your body retains water, which means the rest of your body isn't getting enough water, even if you drink a lot of it. It also means you're gaining weight. Every glass of water is a pound, and if you're not peeing it out, you're getting heavy and bloated. For a guy my size, it's not noticeable, but if you're a hot chick, or even a mostly in shape gal, you don't want to be holding on to all that water because it will make your slinky dresses a lot tighter and your face pudgier. And if you're in the military or you work at Hooters and have to do regular weigh-ins, all that water you're retaining will count against you.

The simple solution is to LAY OFF THE SODIUM! And the sugar, too, as I'm convinced it's a large part of the problem.

I've also noticed that on Sunday I don't lose the weight; it's not until my long walk Monday that I start to lose it, and that's because I'm sweating it out. Salt apparently doesn't leave your body through your bladder, it leaves through your sweat glands, so if you never work up a good sweat, you'll be holding on to that water for a few days.

So Secret #1 is: sugar and salt make you gain weight by making you retain water. And if you think you can be clever and drink something else, like pop or Gatorade, it's WATER your body needs, and those things don't contain enough of it, so you have to drink MORE, which means you're also adding a LOT of CALORIES. Water has no calories. Water helps you burn calories, if you have enough of it in you. Therefore avoid sugar and salt.

And Secret #2 is: once you eat salt, you can't get rid of it except by sweating it out, and this takes a bit of time and a lot of people don't enjoy the process of sweating unless the opposite sex is involved. But sweating IS a good way to get rid of the other salt your other food contains and which you can't avoid. Walking for a couple hours twice a week should do it, and I don't mean casually strolling. Sweat! Obviously you'll sweat more in warm weather than cold, but you don't want to sweat too much in the cold and then get sick, so practice and find what's best for you.

I guess I'm lucky in that my weekly diet is very low salt and low calorie. Even though I'm walking only 15-20 miles a week every other day, I'm still losing a pound or two every week... well, 6-12 pounds a week, but measured on Saturday mornings it's a pound or two. If you're not doing that, you'll have to be a lot more careful about the junk you're eating. Don't be especially surprised if dropping the pounds from that cake is hard; you're probably not drinking enough water and active enough to sweat it out, and you're probably eating a lot of other crap that's clogging things up too.

But hey, that's what you wanted to do. I've given you solid advice in the past, including the book which helped me finally get myself mostly under control, and I've also shown you that it works, so don't blame me. It's not too late. You can still do what I'm doing. Heck, you'll probably be better at it than me!

But you have to try it first.

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Sunday funnies - 11-10-9

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Since starting up the Facebook attachment (which I just spoke about in the previous post), I've found it's very easy to just throw up interesting links. However, Facebook doesn't have a very good history function, nor a good search function, so when those very important posts fall too far down, they're pretty much lost to all who aren't internet archaeologists.

So I just now sez to myself, "Self," I sez, "why not preserve the best of them thar linkies up in here in this website?" That might be funnier if you can imagine me doing it in my Mr. Turner voice. If you've had the privilege to hear it.

But anyway, here are the best links of the week, not counting the links back to here.

Bombshell: DOJ Considering Elimination of ATF

What’s behind the scorn for the Wall Street protests? - Jesse Ventura (yes, that one) pointed this out.

TrainStation - A very rare find: a Facebook game worth playing.

Daily Show: Parks and Demonstration - John Stewart's take on the Wall Street demonstrations.

Ohio Pork Industry Hurt by Prison System Decision - Political Retardation strikes again.

Bank On It: They're Scared - More on the Occupy Wall Street movement, just released today.


Quite a collection there. Once you're done checking them all out, how about heading over to our new Facebook page and hitting the LIKE button for us? Click here to see it. Do it. Do it nooooooow.

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Getting Branded

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No, I'm not talking about getting the ol' Circle-J red hot and burning it into your hide so everyone knows you're my property, I'm talking about what you want people to think of when your name is mentioned.

When you hear the name Oprah Winfrey, certain things pop into your head. Same for Michael Jackson. Same for Xerox and KFC and Honda and Coca Cola. That's the power of a brand. What pops into people's heads when YOUR name is mentioned? What do people remember about you? What do you WANT them to remember about you? That's your brand. You can also think of it as your reputation. It's better to pick your reputation than to have it pick you. Here are some of the things people think of when my name is mentioned. (Depends on who it is and how they know me, too.)

"Jaycee is 'Bad'." There are a number of women I treat like girlfriends, in that I act like myself, tease them, make funny, sarcastic jokes around them, and occasionally give hugs to if I think they've earned it. These women all tell me I'm 'bad,' meant in an affectionate way. I get swats and gasps and even declarations that "you're so bad," all said with big, dopey grins on their faces and lilting laughs in their voices.

"Jaycee is Emotive and Descriptive." Anyone who has heard me read, or who has read one of my stories, can see that I'm very good at provoking emotions with my descriptions and with the way I read. My characters are alive in my head, and I give them voice. Primarily women think this because they're more in touch with their emotions, but I've had a few men say it too.

"Jaycee is Smart." Almost everyone who knows me tells me this. A few occasionally think I take it a little too far, and I occasionally DO take it too far. I don't mind; I've spent so long telling myself I'm an idiot, but now that I take more pride in my brain, I do get a little prideful. We all should once in a while, right?


"Jaycee takes Charge and is Reliable." I've always tried to be reliable. If I say I'm going to do something, chances are good it'll get done on time. Lately, I've also been taking charge more often, making decisions when others seem paralyzed by doubt. Better a wrong decision fast than a right decision never. Most people are seeing this, now that I'm doing it more.

"Jaycee is Generous." I give of myself. I do it now even more than I used to. It's fun! The women whom I've "known" will readily tell you this. It makes it a little easier to "know" more of them when word spreads. People who hang out with me are finding out my generosity extends to giving them useful ideas with which to build their businesses too.

"Jaycee knows Computers." I've even had the guts to make money at it. Now that I take myself more seriously, I'll do a lot better at it. I'm not a super-hacker, but I "get" the internet and computers in general, and I have no difficulty teaching it to others, even to complete beginners. Most of my friends and family come to me with computer problems because they know I'm generous, and they know I'll answer their questions in a way they'll understand.

"Jaycee is Healthy and Energetic." I can run a mile or walk five without difficulty. I'm rarely sick. I'm only about 20 pounds overweight. I drink lots of water and usually avoid sweets. I'm usually full of energy when everyone else is run down.

"Jaycee is good at Critiquing and Editing." Many of the writers I know want me to be a critiquer of their work, and my biggest fan loves to tell people I'm her personal editor. People respect my opinion quite a lot more than I'm used to, and I'm learning how to handle that responsibility. I take it seriously; people rest their writing reputations on me.

These are nice reputations, but they're not really brands, except possibly the second one, which will tell you what you'll get if you pick up one of my stories. What you need is something that's uniquely you, that identifies you. If you could choose what people are saying about you, what would it be?

"Jaycee wrote an 800 page novel." I used to use this as a brand - as a way for new people in the writers group to remember me - but I've decided to stop using it. Nothing wrong with being prolific, it just wasn't the image I wanted to project.

Let's go back to that other one I mentioned. "Jaycee is Emotive and Descriptive." If I were a writer of women's fiction or romance, that would be a treasured reputation! Because women are more sensative to and expressive of their emotions and their surroundings, they eat up anything they perceive to be emotive and descriptive. "Jaycee Adams" would evoke images of the fantastic voyages I've taken millions of readers on, and they would crave the next novel, perhaps pound on my door and demand I write the next one RIGHT NOW!!! I could likewise turn such a power to writing mysteries. Or I could channel it into a TV show or movie. (My biggest fan insists my book is actually a movie because she loves my characterizations.)

If all I wanted to be was a writer of romance novels and the like, that would be a good brand to promote and a good reputation to live up to, but I want something more than that. More than anything else, I want to be known for changing lives. The name Tony Robbins evokes that kind of imagery, and I want to do much the same thing he does. The name Tim Ferriss evokes other imagery which I'd like to emulate. Will I be the next one of those?

But what about you? What do you want to evoke? Start doing it, make it your reputation, and you will make it your brand.

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Turtles with Warm Butts

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Similar style to the truck I drove, you can
see the space between mirror and cab.
This one's decked out like Optimus Prime!

I was watching an episode of American Dad a little while ago in which a rabbit and a tortise are having a race, and it reminded me of once when I was driving my semi-truck and, in the middle of the highway, there was a turtle trying to cross. He was just moving into my lane and I saw him just in time to dodge a little to the right. I wasn't sure if I'd miss him or not, but I looked in my rearview mirror at my trailer tires and saw them fly past the turtle closely enough to warm his butt without hitting him.

I was elated to see I'd managed to miss him when I didn't think I would. The feeling lasted about two seconds, until the car behind me ran him over.

And this reminds me of seeing birds performing death-defying dives at vehicles and flying out in front of them. One event in particular happened while I was driving a Peterbilt 379P, which has a boxy frame, narrow cabin, and prominent exhaust pipes on the sides. This bird flew right in front of my cabin as I was rolling at speed down the highway.

In the first instant, I thought, "That's gonna be close!" Next, it flew BETWEEN my mirror and the windshield, and I had an instant to think, "WOW! What a lucky bird!" Unfortunately, an instant later, the truck's wind shear trapped the bird and slammed it into the exhaust pipe with a clang. I don't expect he walked away from that one.

I've had a few other birds suicide on my windshield, but fortunately no big ones, like eagles. Hopefully that's more because they're smart than because they're rare. And a cousin of mine used to have a car which had deer run into it several times. I advised her to sell her deer magnet to a hunter.

I recall hearing a story of a trucker in Alaska whose way was blocked by a moose. He blew his horn to scare it off the road and, taking it as a challenge, the moose charged him and rammed the truck. So if a moose ever gets in your way, don't honk your horn at it. You probably shouldn't do that to buffalo either; forewarned, we didn't test their docility while we were at Yellowstone.

Over the course of May, I got to do some traveling out west. I took a ton of pictures, and I also took notes while we were out, so I've got a lot of story-telling for you, as soon as I get the time. Since I got back, I've been kind of busy, especially in the last couple weeks, writing on one of my books and working on one of my other personal projects, so I haven't had time to devote the usual level of attention to the site. (I've got half a dozen partially written articles awaiting some attention.) And so long as this roll keeps on rolling - I've written about 100 pages just in the past 2 weeks, and that's a lot - I'm going to continue to focus on it. I know you're all dying to see my books on your shelves as much as I'm dying to put them there.

I'm sure a lot of you are good at being creative on demand, but for me, when I get the bug, I have to do something with it before I lose it. It's like having a wonderful dream; if you don't write it down right when you wake up, you lose it. Sometimes even that isn't enough. So while I've got just about the whole book in my head itching to get out, I need to do as much writing on it as I can.

A lot of writers, once they manage to overcome their writer's block for long enough to get some things on paper, get bogged down in editing their work. They may initially decide the night was dark and stormy, then later realize it needed to be cold enough to snow, and that changes a few other things, and pretty soon, they're spending more time correcting the stuff they wrote earlier than writing new stuff. I get that urge too.

But I saw a very helpful piece of advice in a book about how to get a book written in 30 days: when moments like that come up, make a notation to yourself right there about what you want to change, and then continue on writing as if that change has been made. This allows you to continue with your stream of consciousness before you lose it, so you can get more written down. Then, when you're resting your creative muscles, you can go back and make those necessary changes.

Another thing that is invaluable is doing a LOT of reading for fun. I've recently met someone who hasn't ever done that, and so her writing and critiquing abilities are suffering for it. She's learning fast, but there are still a lot of things you can only learn by looking at the examples of other people's work. I may not know what most of the rules of grammar are called, but I largely know how they work. You won't often find a comma or apostrophe out of place in my writing, and my nouns always agree with their verbs. Tense, point of view, and that kind of stuff are second nature to me. Why? Not because I paid any attention in English class - no, my English teachers admired me only for my creativity, when I had the guts to show it - but rather because I did a LOT of reading as a kid, and continue to read as an adult.

Reading for enjoyment, not for business. If you want to know how to write an engaging piece of fiction, you have to read a lot of it. If you want to know how to write technical manuals, you have to read a lot of them. It's called practice. And so I've lent that friend some of my books so she can see how other people write and learn from their styles. Hopefully she'll enjoy them and not critique them.

So you're wondering what all this writing advice has to do with animals too dumb to try to avoid loud, fast-moving vehicles. So am I. Looks like a chain of things I was reminded of after watching TV.

Hope everyone had a happy Aphelion last Monday. I meant to write about it, but I was too busy dodging bottlerockets.

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Expose Yourself #4 – Mrs. Hart, in the Library, with the Lead Pipe

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In this series of articles, I talk to people who have been successful at taking control of their lives, making a name for themselves, and helping others to do the same. I’m very fortunate to have met them, and very thankful they have agreed to spend a few minutes talking with me to share part of their stories. We’re going to delve into what it took to propel these people from ordinary lives into extraordinary lives. We’ll find out where they’ve been, where they are, and where they’re going as each guest is asked to “Expose Yourself”.

Today’s guest came all the way from Iran to see me, where she worked for an international bank and as Director of Volunteers for the American Women’s Club. She has also lived in New York, where she ran a horse farm and an art gallery, among other amazing endeavors, and is where she met her husband of 30 years.

Her first interactive murder mystery, Murder in Morocco, was produced in 1995 at the Richfield Springs Regional Theater in New York. Over the next ten years she wrote interactive plays and educational/interactive children’s plays, which were performed by the theater company she founded, Murder Mysteries on Call, Inc. When she came to Florida, she renamed her company to Make Mine Murder. One of her plays, “Murder in Morocco,” was made into a musical, which garnered seven Outstanding Achievement awards by the New York State Theatre Association, for Original Script, Original Score, and Original Lyrics, plus set design, costumes, props, and hair/makeup.

Nowadays, far from resting on her laurels, you’re likely to find her at the Daytona Playhouse, where she often directs, acts in, and designs and builds sets. She’s also written several books. Somehow, with all that going on, she still finds time to run a chapter of the Florida Writer’s Association, where she helps aspiring writers perfect their craft. Please give a warm welcome to Veronica Hart!

JC: Hey there, Ronnie, you’re looking fabulous as ever!

VH: Thank you. It’s all the vitamins and magic potions I use.

JC: You don’t believe in the standard definition of “retired,” do you? You’re going to be 70 this year. Any plans to slow down and act your age?

VH: I am acting my age – it’s the others who think “retirement” means they have to stop living and watch television for the rest of their lives.

JC: That does sound like a better plan. So let me ask you; where are you in your life, or your career, or the pursuit of your goals?

VH: I am finally achieving some measure of success with my writing career and also feel very accomplished with directing plays and designing sets for theater. My first published novel, The Prince of Keegan Bay is coming out today as an e-book from Champagne Books. It will later be produced as a paperback. It’s about an infant Middle Eastern prince being hunted by assassins, and the group of quirky adult community residents who protect him.

VH: I’ve also just submitted my first completed young adult novel, Escape from Iran, to the ABNA (Amazon Breakout Novel Awards) competition, where it has so far made it past the first round of judging. Though I’ve had stories and articles published throughout the years, these two books represent what I really want to do: entertain people with my writing.

JC: That’s exciting news! When is the second round? What happens when you win?

VH: Second round winners are announced on March 22nd. Let’s not jinx it with any other response, you know; counting chickens and all that.

JC: Having seen you in action, I can’t help having high expectations. How did you get started writing?

VH: When I met my husband Bob on New Year’s Eve 1978, he asked me what I really wanted to do with my life. At the time I owned a small farm in Warwick, NY, with a rental cottage, boarded horses, and owned and operated an art store and gallery in the village. I told him I really wanted to write and he asked me, “Then why aren’t you?” I thought the answer was simple, “I have three daughters I have to support, besides working about fifteen hours a day.” But, he was right. With his encouragement, I enrolled in the Institute of Children’s Literature.

VH: After a few months of this mail order course, I sent in a short story to a religious magazine, preparing myself to learn how to accept rejection slips. Within a week, I received a check! I thought, “This is easy.” During this course, I began writing Escape from Iran. When it was finished, I sent it off, with the blessings of my instructor, to a major publisher. It was returned a couple of months later with a nicely written letter from the editor, explaining that my heroine was not likeable enough. I thought, “that’s the end of that,” and stuck it away in a drawer until last summer, when I pulled it out, had someone enter it into the computer for me, and then edited like crazy.

JC: I’m glad you realized he was right. How did you get where you are?

VH: The answer to that is persistence. During these past thirty years both Bob and I have conducted writing workshops, writing groups, and then when we lived in Cooperstown and ran a bed and breakfast, during the off seasons we had writers’ retreats. During all this time, I continued to learn and to write. I must have half a dozen not quite finished novels waiting for me.

JC: Only half a dozen? You can whip that out in no time. Where are you going next? What’s the next goal, the next step, the next whatever?

VH: We’d love to return to the south of Spain, possibly to live. We spent a month there several years ago and loved the climate, the people, the culture. And the prices. If that can’t happen, I guess I’ll just keep writing, directing, and hoping for a huge success with one of my books so we can then continue to travel – something we both love to do. If we can work it out, next spring it’s on to Russia! One of my books is set in Leningrad (modern day St. Petersburg) and there’s a great cruise going there right from Port Canaveral. I’d love to be on that ship.

JC: What are you doing to get there?

VH: You know, Jaycee, after spending the first thirty years of my life in a reactive mode, I finally took some control and began trying to plot things out for myself. That didn’t work any better. It’s so true that life is what happens while you’re busy making plans. I keep on writing, trying to improve myself, and hope to continue learning through teaching. We plot; we scheme; we strive; we eventually achieve.

JC: You’re definitely achieving a lot, Ronnie. Writing books and plays, running your own production company, seeing the world... Sounds like an exciting time to be alive! I can hardly wait to find out what you do next. Good luck with Prince of Keegan Bay, it sounds like a fun read.

VH: Thank you for this opportunity. Keegan Bay is a fun read, very tongue-in-cheek, but the focus of the story is just what I said earlier about “acting my age.” The group of seniors in the retirement community must use their wits and skills to protect the infant. The community comes alive, many abandoning their Bingo and card games, even including help from 91 year old, Howard, who loves his brandy but recalls some tricks from working with the French resistance during WWII. Next, there are two books at about sixty thousand words and I must kill one person in each book. Who shall it be? Tough choices.

Hey everyone, be sure to check out Veronica Hart's website and wish her luck on her competition.


CLICK HERE to get your very own copy of The Prince of Keegan Bay fresh off the digital presses.












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Further reading to astonish and amaze:
"Expose Yourself" Articles List
Crime Wave hits Palm Coast
Profiling: Is It Good or Bad?
Leyland French - 1995

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The Streetcar Rumbled along Bourbon Street

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The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street with a slight limp in its rolling gait, jammed with more passengers than it had any right or license to carry. Only the conductor cared of its plight, and he just barely, because he would get into trouble if that wobble turned into serious damage... or a turned ankle. Kept in service with the minimum of effort and financial outlay possible, the streetcar's aches and pains would continue to go unnoticed until disaster struck.

Brakes squealed the car to a halt. Rusty metal springs long past their design life sighed relief as people disembarked, then groaned with new strain as more replaced them. The overworked engine strained with palpable trepidation to get back to cruising speed, just barely above that of a walking toddler.

The sun took its time burning off the misty morning fog. The commuters were largely silent and solomn today, as if speaking were taboo. As if doing anything more than the absolute minimum required to get to work would trigger something... undesirable.

Rounding a sharp turn, the streetcar's brakes had their resolve tested. A black Ford SUV had pulled out in front of it and came to a halt. The two vehicles collided at the break-neck speed of five miles per hour. There were too many passengers standing for anyone to fall over. A few of the seated ones bumped their heads or strained their necks. Most were unharmed but shocked.

Two dark-suited men emerged from the damaged SUV and quickly approached the streetcar and barged into the front door. "Will everyone please get out of the car? Calm and orderly, get out of the car and move away from it, please."

Those who could, did.

"What's going on?" the conductor asked, worried. Others echoed him, but kept moving. "Who are you?"

"Please, everyone just stay calm. Exit and move away from the car," was his repetative answer. His partner rolled onto the ground and under the streetcar, then climbed under it. The crowd's murmurs paradoxically increased in intensity as their numbers thinned. He searched the bottom of the car, needing only a moment to find what he was looking for. "I found it!" was the last thing he ever said.

* * *

"Don't be monkeyin' around with that irrigation system, boy," Todd teased his nephew. "We need it if we're gonna eat."

"I just wanted to play with it, I won't hurt it," little Jonny protested.

Todd picked up the four year old and put him on his shoulders as they dove into the cornfield. Row upon row of stalks whisked past them under Todd's long strides. For a moment, there seemed to be nothing but peace between them, as if both were afraid to speak. But then, the cornfield came to an end, and beyond it was a pasture with a big tree and a treehouse.

"Your dad and I built this here treehouse when we were about your age," Todd told his charge. "We called it our citadel."

Presented like that, Jonny saw past the squalorous condition it was in and imagined himself fighting off a dragon which was trying to climb that tree to get him. Putting his nephew back on his own feet, Uncle Todd let Jonny climb to the top, where he perched like a deity, surveying over the whole pasture. Jonny laughed in delight at his daydreams. A dog loped toward them, barking at the ruckus.

"You can come here any time you like, Jonny. Your dad'll always be here with you, watchin' over you, and you can talk to him any time you want."

Jonny stopped and looked around. "I see him!" he proclaimed, and pointed at a fluffy cloud. Sure enough, that cloud resembled a person. Perhaps it really was his brother, murdered in the line of duty, whom he would soon seek to avenge, once his nephew was taken care of.

The dog barked more, this time at a delivery van heading up the long gravel driveway. "I see it, boy," Todd soothed the dog to silence, then called up to his nephew, "Hey, I'm goin' to see what we're gettin' in the mail. Could be somethin' special. You're welcome to come see if you want."

Jonny climbed down almost as quickly as he'd gotten up there, and Todd replaced him on his shoulders for their trip back through the cornfield.

* * *

The above is a composite of two seperate writing challenges. They seemed to go together fairly well.

The first challenge was to write a short story out of a beginning phrase, in this case, "The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street." Everyone else made that into a complete sentence and then went on from there, while I made it into a longer sentence.

The second challenge was to use as many of a selection of ten words as possible in a short story. The words I was given were: Digestive, ruckus, speak, irrigate, squalor, deity, monkey, delivery, citadel, and avenge. I couldn't find a way to use 'digestive' here without forcing it. Most of the other people thought of having difficulty digesting pizza, or they had monkeys in prominent roles.

In both cases, we had 15 minutes to write, so that's just enough time to write about a page, page and a half. I'm a bit slow, it seems. I did expand on the upper story to unite it with the second one a little more seamlessly. Only the first two paragraphs were written as part of the challenge, but what I added to link them is pretty much where I wanted to go with it with the foreshadowing of the decrepit nature of the car.

If you want to be a good writer, you've got to write. If you want to learn how to shorten your writing, you need to write short stories. So that's what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to make my full-sized books as gripping as these little nuggets.

I'll have more for you later, as I've done several of these challenges over the past few months. Let me know how you liked this one, maybe I'll explore it a little further for you.

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Centennial Celebration

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This here post is my 100th since moving the site to Blogger.com, barely 14 months ago, and we've come a long way, baby! A lot has changed, in front of the scenes and behind them. To celebrate this, and our next 100, and because I've gotten several questions about this lately, I'm going to tell you a little about the story behind the story.

In 1995, I joined the Navy. It was great for a while, but things slowly got out of hand, and it was starting to get hard to maintain a sense of humor about everything. Finally in 2000, the powers that be finally had enough sense to put me in the computer repair department, which was where I was supposed to have been put in the first place. By then, though, I was pretty sick of everything - I wasn't nearly the positive person back then as I am now and didn't fully appreciate all the good stuff I had going for me - and needed to blow off a little steam. What better idea than to register a really cool domain name?

So I cranked up the internet, which was still pretty new back then, and found register.com. There was only one name I wanted to register. It was a name that was cool, that I'd been using for some time on the internet elsewhere. So I tried to register theds.com.

Unfortunately, it was already taken.

I had checked it out, and taken a few days to think about whether I wanted to go through with it or not, but when I came back to do the deed, the name was taken. Who would take a name like theds.com? No, Nintendo was still many years away from creating their DS gaming device. Rather, it was a for-pay cracking group known as The Damned Souls. I don't have any problem with people unlocking my games for me so that I don't need no stinkn' CD in the drive to play; I've really got better things to do than carry my CD collection with me everywhere I go. But those guys didn't do it for the love of the work, they did it for money. Worse, they sold copies of the games they cracked, an act that until recently was considered downright despicable.

Crushed, I had to think of another name to register.

What to use? What would say "squid"? What would allow me to rag on the bad times I had in the Navy, or celebrate the good times if I wanted? What described my experience best?

It was then I hit on mopjockey.com.

Immediately I had grand dreams to fulfill. I'd created several parodies about the Navy and the Bataan and my time there, and was itching to post them up for my friends to enjoy. However, in my desire to do things perfectly, I never got around to getting my stuff posted. I just had some piddly three-page thingamabob barely one step above "Hello World". For the first several years, the site was pretty well neglected. I probably got 100 hits that weren't mine in the first four years.

A few years later, I got sold some web space and decided to revamp the site. I posted up a lot of cool stuff about myself and my knowledge about computers and everything else I'm good at. I had about 10 pages of interesting information, and over the course of the next four years, I had accumulated about 1500 hits other than mine. I also introduced a forum and had a few people use it now and then. Clearly I was doing something right to have so much more interest.

In early 2009, as I was getting started with driving for my last trucking company, I started getting much more serious about the site because I had a lot of good ideas to post. I revamped the site again and put up about 30 pages of cool information about the Navy, trucks, some of my favorite computer games, and a handful of opinion pieces.

But then, a few months later, just before I visited the Stonehouse, my webhost suddenly went belly-up. For about three months afterward, I had no site. Since I was on the road, and my computer also died during that time, I had no time or ability to look for another one. I briefly tried to make use of Godaddy's free host, but like Register's free host, it had a spammy banner ad on it that messed up the site, so I was forced to park it there with minimal content.

Luckily, by now, the state of the internet had progressed significantly, and so in late 2009, I discovered that Google had bought Blogger.com and was offering free blogs. Before this time, I didn't pay blogs any attention, but one of my cousins whom I visited in September pointed me to Nathan Bransford, who then pointed me to several others, and when I saw how pretty those were, I knew it was a Sign From Above.

Articles were easy to post, pictures were easy to add, and no need for a seperate forum - people can comment directly on the articles, and they don't even have to register if they don't want to! Plus, I've got followers! Yay! But most importantly, I've got great stuff to write and I've gotten tons of praise for it. That's how you know you're doing good, when people you barely know are telling other people you barely know how awesome you are without prompting them to.

Back in June, Google started offering site metrics for free, and in the intervening six months, I've gotten a considerable amount of traffic, far more than I realized.

Today, Mopjockey.com is in transition. It started out as a bunch of jokes about the Navy, jokes which never got published (but still might one day). In the future, it will be a respected place, a place where people go to read (or watch) all kinds of fun, useful stuff. For now, though, it's a testbed. I'm trying out different things. I've started doing interviews with famous people, I'm lining up guest authors, I've given speeches, and I've got several different series in the works. One was about health, another about the solar system. And I irregularly comment about the craziness that goes on around the world or around Daytona Beach.

We're finding ourselves. And it's not going to take 14 months to make another 100 posts. Several have joined us already. You can too. Welcome to Mopjockey.com, where we offer More in Sanity. I'm your host, Jaycee Adams, and I promise the next 10 years will be a lot more exciting than the last 10.
















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Other articles you'll find interesting or fun:
How to Make More Money
Dear Mel Gibson
Ron Riekki - 2010
Flash Fiction is all the Rage

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How to Make More Money

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Yesterday evening I spoke to the Port Orange Scribes about self-promotion and blogging. I've also got other speaking engagements and training sessions lined up with groups that aren't writers, and last Sunday I led a discussion for a group I started about modern relationships. It was pretty exciting to do!

Though my speech last night dealt mostly with how to get your writing career jumpstarted through blogging, the precepts apply to any creative endeavor, be it singing, acting, painting, interpretive dancing, and so on. In fact, many of the precepts translate well into ANY kind of business.

As an interesting aside, I made the news! Here is a link to a bunch of Port Orange news stories, and they've got one about me! (It will probably only be there for another few days, so look quick!) When I found it this morning, it was most of the way down the page. Just search for my name and you'll see it (if it's still there.)

This is what I said to the Scribes:

Hi, I'm Jaycee Adams, and I'm a writer. I'm a teacher. I'm a speaker. I'm a promoter. And I'm a blogger. Thank you for this opportunity to speak to you about one of my passions.

You want to make a career out of writing. What are the most important elements to accomplishing this, the elements that are absolutely important?

• Write something good enough that people want it
• Get the word out to as many people as possible

To be good at something, what are some of the important things we must do?

• Study others' writings on how to be better
• Practice your craft constantly
• Learn from others' direct teachings

What are some of the tools at our disposal to be better writers?

• Reading blogs written by agents, publishers, and other writers, of which I have several I follow (check out my profile)
• Readng books like the one you want to write
• Joining writing and critiquing groups who will help you find errors in your book
• Entering writing contests
• Our computers, or a notepad and pencil to write with

All of these require that you WRITE something.

To get famous, what are some of the things we must do?

• Put yourself out there; you can't stay home
• Be newsworthy; do something that gets attention
• Make connections; you can't reach everyone yourself, so you need friends

What are some of the tools at our disposal to get more famous?

• Local news outlets and blogs looking for a story (TV, radio, paper, blog, etc)
• Attending public events, like book signings, but also charities, volunteer work, festivals; get out there and meet people
• Making new friends and networking connections
• Asking your friends and networking connections to talk about you to their friends and networking connections
• Posting links on places you frequent: forums, emails signatures, blogs, facebook pages
• Other forms of traditional advertising
• Get really lucky and have someone discover you

All of these require that the right person notices you, likes you, and gets his 5 million friends to like you too. Luck does not control THAT you get discovered, it only controls WHEN. Even then, the faster you build your fame, the sooner you become famous.

I'm here, of course, to focus on one of the most powerful tools at your disposal and how to use it effectively: sleeping with Angelina Jolie. Whether you like her or not, it is a fact that anyone who sleeps with Angelina Jolie is newsworthy.

But if you can't swing that, start up a blog. Why?

A blog accomplishes a number of things all at once.

• It's WRITING, so it counts as practice.
• It's a centralized location so people looking for you can find you.
• It's a networking hub so you can meet other people and get them to help you.
• It's an advertising tool, and it lets you say anything you want.

If you owned Walmart, you wouldn't dream of forgoing a website that told everyone where you were, what you have, and how they can buy stuff from you, would you? Name any large company, name any reasonably famous person, place, or thing, and there's a website about it for people to find out more about it. ALL businesses that expect to graduate beyond the home office NEED a website. It's the new Yellow Pages and then some.

A blog takes this website idea one step further with up-to-date information about you, AND it shows people what you have to offer, AND it allows them to interact with you and get to know and like you. It can be hard to sell your product, so instead you have to sell yourself. Hollywood has known this for ages, and that's why they spend so much effort on making actors seem likeable.

Angelina Jolie is so likeable that people go to see movies just because she's in them. Even if it's a bit part, they'll still go to see her because they like her. If she endorses something, people buy it because they like her. Luckily, Angelina is also talented. People know she's going to deliver. They trust her to play roles they like and to be in movies that are worth watching. If you want to tap into that power, you have to be a good writer and you have to get out there and be known. You have to sell yourself. YOU are your real product, whether you're a writer, singer, seamstress, architect, or bonsai sculptor.

You're a writer, and blogs need written material constantly. What better way to give out free samples of your work to show people what you've got, get them interested in you, and like you?

Being able to reach people has always been key to getting a message out. Whether you're standing on a stump, on the TV news, or blogging, it doesn't matter. The tools have gotten more powerful and cheaper, and right now, the tool with the most bang for the buck is a blog.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't really "get" blogging, or they don't know how to make the most of it. Some don't "get" the internet at all. Some don't even "get" self-promotion. I'm here to help you out with that a little.

I've covered why you should HAVE a blog. Before I discuss how to use it, I'm going to tell you how to GET one.

There are a bunch of blogging tools out there. Wordpress, Yahoo*, MSN*, even Facebook and Twitter are using blogging techniques. The blogging tool I use is called Blogger.com, and it's run by Google. The reasons I prefer it are:

• It's very easy to use
• It's capable of doing almost anything you can imagine
• Virtually all the professional blogs from which I learned about publishing and writing use it
• For the money, you get a lot of picture and video storage space; you're not likely to run out, unless you're posting large porn videos, and then you can start another one.

How much does it cost?

It costs one gmail account.

All you have to have is a gmail account - no money - and then you can start creating your own blog, networking with others' blogs, and getting the word out about how fantastic you are!

Here are a few of the tools available to you with Blogger.com. 

• Your main page is continuous - it has several stories available and you control how many show up at a time
• Your secondary pages are just static information pages. We all need at least one of these to tell people the stuff that doesn't change often.
• You can insert a BREAK so you don't have HUGE articles gobbling up your main page
• Easy to put pictures in and move them and get thumbnails
• Easy to add hyperlinks
• Easy to handle reader comments
• Easy to adjust settings, letting you decide how much or how little you want on your site
• Easy to design the look and feel
• Widgets - there's tons of them
• Ads - you control how many, or if there even are any. You can get income when people click on them
• Sharing links is very easy
• Adding a real domain name is very easy
• You can set it up to post in the future, so tht one day you feel like writing 10 articles can be spread out to cover the next 9 days when you want to take a break
• Free statistics to tell you which articles are getting the hits and where your readers are coming from!
• Tied in to Picassa, which is an online picture repository

What should your blog be about? What should you write about?

Write about whatever you want! You can see that on my site, I have a LOT of topics. I find that anything to do with celebrity gossip, horoscopes, and popular topics draws attention, so you can talk about that, but you should focus on what it is that your books are going to be about. Being an everything blog is too diluting for your audience - it makes it hard to grab and keep an audience - but if you focus on a niche and serve it well, you will become very popular in that niche. It's not limiting yourself, it's becoming an authority on a topic, and it's simply the best way to go about it.

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 I then gave a short demo on how to get signed up and started up, and then challenged them to create an article, post it on my site, and get their friends to read and comment it so they could see for themselves how easy it is to do.

Statistically speaking, there's a 60% chance that ONE of the people I talked to will actually follow through and take up my challenge. It's sad, but most people are not actually serious enough about themselves or their writing to put even the most cursory amount of work into it. They come to a writer's group and think that's progress. Sure, it's a step in the right direction, but it doesn't mean you've made it to Tahiti. To accomplish something, you've got to DO something. If you can't even motivate yourself to handle your own best interests, how do you expect to motivate others to help you?

We'll find out how many people are serious about getting published in the coming days. Even if no one participates, it's not going to stop my public speaking and teaching. I've already got several speaking/teaching engagements coming up, if you know where to look.

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Other articles you'll find interesting or useful:
Dear Mel Gibson
Expose Yourself #2 - Straight to the T.O.P.
Shh-it's a Secret!

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Speak, Jaycee, speak!

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Jim Thompson, leader of the Port Orange Scribes writer's group, has asked your favorite Jaycee Adams (as opposed to all the others out there using my name) to speak to his group about something I've been learning a lot about lately: blogging and self-promotion.

No matter what kind of artistic business you're engaging in - writing, singing, acting, painting, TV or movie making, miming - you need to get the attention of LOTS of people if you plan to live off it. There are lots of ways of doing this: blogging, social networking sites, getting into the news (paper, TV, radio, internet, telepathy), and being interviewed through the various media, to name just a few, and the more you use, the more people you reach, which means the more chance you have to make it big. I'll be going over these briefly, and then focus on blogging for three simple reasons: writers write, blogging is good writing practice, and you get to say anything you want to.

I'm all for doing the least work possible for the most gain possible, so when you show up, you're going to find out the fastest, easiest way to get known and get your work sold. Simply show up at the Java Jungle, 4606 South Clyde Morris Blvd, Port Orange, FL, second floor, at 6:30 pm on Wednesday the 17th, and Jim and I will take it from there.

I'll be discussing your options for self-promotion. Much of it will be about blogging - where to get a blog, how to design it, what to write about, how to get readers, how to get help, and so forth. But I'll also be talking about how easy it is to get media attention for your work.An internet presence is a critical component of success, and I'll be teaching you how to build it and manage it with the minimum effort possible.

For those of you who haven't been to Jim's group, he discusses how to be a better writer, conducts writing exercises to help you stretch your skills, gives you a chance to practice your quick, attention-grabbing introduction, and critques writing. If you have any interest in being a professional writer (or even just a hobbyist) and you can make it to Port Orange, they meet on the first and third Wednesdays.

Jim has two books published under the name J. W. Thompson, and has a series of three more on the way. He's all about helping others get published.

See you there Wednesday the 17th!

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More articles that will interest or amuse you:
Nicholas Marks - 2010
Expose Yourself #2 - Straight to the T.O.P.
What makes for good TV?

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You Say Piracy Like It’s a Bad Thing

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In my occasional wandering around the publishing blogosphere, I encountered this post:

You Say Piracy Like It’s a Bad Thing

And I commented on it. Should be obvious which one is me. What's your opinion? Add it here, I could use a good debate. Unless you're chicken. Don't worry, you can post anonymously.

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