Pissed Off, then Pissed On

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The other day, someone posted, "I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on."

Someone else pointed out, "This is one of those times when the difference between THEN and THAN is rather important." I hope I don't have to explain it.

Earlier today, I received an invite to a party which was being held to raise money for someone's funeral expenses. The organizer said, "Donations will be excepted."

My reply was, "This is one of those times when the difference between EXCEPTED and ACCEPTED is rather important." Unless, of course, they really did NOT want donations?



In both cases, the person doing the correcting was lambasted as if they had committed an atrocity. But you know what? It's not MY job to have to work to understand you, it's YOUR job to work to be understood.

Think I'm wrong?

How about trying to illegally cross a border into a country whose language you don't speak. You think Zimbabwe soldiers won't shoot you if they can't understand you? You think Mexican cops won't arrest you and put you in a hole if they can't understand you? America is the only place where people seem to think they have to do all the work to understand other people around them. You see it not just in the dearth of foreigners who can't speak English, many of them here illegally, but also in the kids who can't be bothered to use the right word.

Literally.

No one here would THINK of going to France and expecting the whole French populace to speak English just for them. So why do we have the attitude that here in America, we the communicator can be so lazy that if someone doesn't understand us, it's their problem?

I, and EVERY author, have spent a great deal of time, trying to pick just the right words for our books to convey exactly the right thing at the right pace to make a gripping story. Those who do a good job of it sell well, those who do a poor job of it sell poorly. Well, not counting the marketing machine, but then again, there too is an example of the better writer doing a better job of connecting to what the people want. Crafting ads is an art, you know.

And do you know what it says about you when you can't even take a second to be sure you're not embarrassing yourself with the wrong word? If I have to work to understand you, it says that what you have to say isn't that important. Worse, it says that you don't consider ME important enough to try to communicate. It says you think I'm your slave. Is that really the message you want to give other people? Don't we have enough prospective slave-owners out there?

For those of you who can't tell the difference between there, they're, and their, PLEASE do not try to get a job creating DANGER signs! I don't want to see "brake glass four emergency" any time soon.

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You Didn't Exist Five Minutes Ago

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I just thought you might like to know that I created the entire universe about five minutes ago. (Six, considering how long it took you to read to this point.) "Yeah right," you say. See? I made you say that. "What about all my memories?" you ask. Simple: they're not real. I made them up. I created all kinds of little things for you all to discover, such as rings in trees indicating their age, sedimentary layers in the Earth indicating its age, and I even gave you all belly buttons, even though none of you were born. Why? Because that's the world you expect to find.

Why am I telling you this? Because a select few of you - those who are reading this now, in fact - are special beyond measure. I put within you a compulsion to come here right now so you would know the truth about the world in which you live.

Why would I go through the trouble of creating an entire universe and then take no care to ensure my own place at the very top? Who's to say I haven't? But I would like for the rest of the world to think so, and it is not for you or them to question that. Just accept it, and commence to accomplish the secret mission which I have assigned to you. You will find it hiding in your subconscious, not far from where I put the compulsion to come here 8 minutes ago.

I suppose you may wish to see proof I accomplished this feat. I'll provide it, but only as reward if you can prove I didn't do it. Remember, I made everything, including your memories. You have not actually done anything you remember doing; it's all an implanted memory to give you the illusion of free will.

Be good, convert the masses, and praise me once in a while, huh? I'll be watching.

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Brighten up, Girlfriend

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Hey everyone, nice to see you all again, plus some shiny new faces this year! January is shaping up to set another record, thanks to you.

My friend Lacey Chabert was desperately in need of help. She recently posted up an awful looking picture and no one stepped up to bail out her poor photographer, who faces the possibility of getting kicked out of the family for the goof. Luckily this kind of thing can be recovered pretty easily. After I fixed it, I noticed it turned out MUCH better than a lot of the pictures I fix for my family, so I thought I'd share the process with you AND save everyone's fave girl from the hassle of editing her Christmas card list.

I'm no Photoshopping genius, I'm just a guy who can adjust some sliders on readily available photo enhancement software to make pictures look better. I'll be using a program called ACDSee Pro, but this kind of functionality is available in most photo editing software, and some of it is even free or comes with your camera!

One key piece of advice to all you budding photographers that I had to learn the hard way when I screwed up some really important pictures when I first got a digital camera: be sure to use a flash when indoors, because the camera thinks it's a lot darker inside than you do. Your eyes adjust, a camera lens doesn't. Though most photos can be recovered to some degree, many can't, and few turn out this good. Best to just use the flash.

Okay, so check this out, guys:

Final Photo: We got lucky here.
The colors are vibrant! It's just
like being there for realsies!
Read on to see how this happened.

Original Photo: Much too dark,
all details are hidden.
(As always, click to embiggenate)

Overdone Photo: It's too bright
and grainy. This is what you
usually get from this process.
It's better than nothing!

How did we get such a fantastic result? Check these out!

First we go to Process, then Edit, then Lighting, and see this. These sliders
each affect a certain light tone range, kind of like the equalizer on a stereo.

Let's adjust sliders! Wheeeeeeeee!!!

...Preferably the correct ones. But don't sweat it, you can undo.

A little experimenting to see what does what.

Don't be afraid to experiment; all Human progress depends on it. 

It's amazing what you can find out by trying new things!

I'll swear with my dying breath (which might be sooner than you think if
Lacey gets a hold of me), IT'S NOT DANDRUFF!! (I think. I wasn't there.)

So there you have it.

If I really wanted to get fancy, I could blend together some of the pixels on Lacey's coat to get rid of the washouts, maybe added some sharpness or some blur and then pulled a few other processing tricks, but I didn't want to spend that much time on it before her check cleared.

And even though ACDSee isn't paying me to say this (though they should), I highly recommend you get ACDSee. It's primarily a photo manager, and it makes finding, sorting, organizing, and displaying your pictures very easy. It also lets you do some basic editing and processing too, but not quite to the Photoshop level. I've used it for many years, and consequently can't stand the built-in picture display thingy built into Windows. ACDSee has spoiled me. You don't have to get the Pro version, the regular version will let you adjust light levels and do pretty much anything you can think of to a picture, but the Pro version lets you feel special for having paid more for it.

So, all's right with the world. You all now know to use the flash on your cameras and what to do if you forget. Lacey finally gets to see her valuable family picture as it was meant to be seen. Her photographer gets out of hot water. And we here at Mopjockey.com had the pleasure to entertain you, as we do from time to time.

Check out our Facebook page (and hit the LIKE button, huh? it's only fair), or sign up to follow through Google/Blogspot on the left side of the page, or add yourself as a follower on Twitter, which we just got around to adding. And leave a comment somewhere if you want to see more articles like this.

BTW, li'l sis, call me when you have a minute. Got my new number? Same as the old number.

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Mandatory Driver Education

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As a friend drove me somewhere the other day, I noticed that she didn't know how to drive properly. This person used to be an accident investigator for the US Postal Service; she knew just about everything there was to know about trucks without having driven one, and yet, she was driving very discourteously around them as well as other cars. I was surprised to see her blocking up traffic, riding bumpers, riding catacorner to people in their blind spots at highway speeds (what I call "clipping"), and using an inconsistent speed which meant she got in everyone's way.

Of course, she's hardly the only offender. I constantly see people driving like they're idiots, getting in my way, and otherwise flirting with disaster. Thank God I'm a better driver than almost anyone! I have evaded being in several accidents in the past 20-some years since I've had a license, and so I thought I'd offer a few driving tips so you can learn them and then lord them over your buddies the way kids nag their parents to wear their seatbelts.

After I castigated her, I wrote these 8 Simple Rules for Driving on my Road:

Rule #1: If you want to drive faster than me, please do it BEFORE I pass you, not during and not after.

Rule #2: If you want to pass me, please continue to drive faster than me. I don't want you flying past me, then getting in front of me and slowing down, then speeding up again when I move over to pass you. Cruise control is your friend.

Rule #3: Never, ever sit next to another vehicle for longer than 5-10 seconds. If that means you have to speed up to pass them, do it! Sitting next to someone, especially a big truck, is inviting disaster and it's damned rude to do, nevermind that you're blocking traffic.

Rule #4: If you're not turning or changing lanes, turn your turn signal off. And if you are going to turn or change lanes in dense traffic, turn it on!

Rule #5: Turn your stupid radio down! No one wants to hear it. Especially at the gas station, where we're afraid the pounding is going to damage the underground gasoline tanks and set off an explosion.

Rule #6: When you're trying to get on the highway, you have my permission to use the entire length of the ramp and the acceleration lane to get up to speed and merge safely. It is no longer required that you either merge into the highway at 30 below the speed limit and then speed up, or come to a stop at the intersection and wait for three miles of clear before you merge. (Unless you live in Pennsylvania.)

Rule #7: When you're trying to get off the highway, it is not necessary to whiz past me and get off at the last possible second, nearly knocking me off the road just because you felt you had to get in front of me. Just slow down, wait that one extra second, and then get in the deceleration lane from behind me. There is no prize for getting to the road before I pass under the bridge.

Rule #8: Do NOT put on makeup while you are driving, ladies! Especially do not use that eyeliner pencil which WILL poke your eye out if you hit a crack in the road. When you're at a light, I'll tolerate it, as long as I'm not stuck behind you when the light turns green. (This means you, Jenny!)

That's it. Do those simple little things and you will cause and be in fewer accidents, and you will also save yourself and everyone around you a lot of unneeded stress and even a little cash on your gasoline bill.

What rules of the road would you like to see?

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Fearmongering Scientists

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You know how, later this year, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012? Today between 11:00 and 12:00 I heard Astronomer Phil Plait on WHYY internet radio trying to convince us all that it's just not true.

First, he used flimsy arguments to dismiss the arrival of the planet Nibiru, AKA Planet X, which will collide with Earth on that fateful day. According to Dr. Plait, any planet bound by the Sun's gravity (he doesn't explicitly say this, but it's what he meant) which was going to collide with Earth within the next year would be near the orbit of Mars and because of its size (4 times that of Earth) it would be brighter in the sky than Jupiter, which at the moment is easily visible near the moon as a very bright star. He further asserts that such a massive object would have disrupted the orbits of Earth, Mars, and other planets by now with its gravity, something which he says isn't happening.

However, Plait plainly has no idea what he's talking about!

Hello? Reality calling Dr. Phil? Aren't you forgetting something rather important?


Isn't the Solar system a THREE DIMENSIONAL construct? Aren't there things orbiting outside the Ecliptic plane (the plane in which the Earth orbits the Sun)? Isn't it possible that all the telescopes are looking in the wrong place? Couldn't Nibiru be orbiting at an angle oriented -450 degrees from the Ecliptic, and therefore not be where we expect to find it? And if it were there, wouldn't it have a much smaller effect on the planets' orbits, because it was much farther from them? Nibiru doesn't need to collide with the Earth to destroy it, it merely needs to whip past the Sun very quickly, which means it can be traveling far faster than it would otherwise need to if it were going to collide with Earth. Faster speed means it's further still from the distance needed to affect other planets. And maybe they have their cloaking device engaged, the same one Captain Kirk stole from the Romulans.

Simple explanations, really man. You're not fooling anyone.

The self-admitted Bad Astronomer goes on to protest that the increasing activity levels of the Sun have nothing to do with the end of the world. It has been predicted by some that a giant Solar flare will swallow the Earth, burning it to a crisp. Plait dismisses these by claiming there is some sort of cycle to the Sun's activity and that it will reach its peak in 2013 and 2014.

Hello? Even if the Sun wasn't as steady as the day God made it, do you not realize that the Solar Max is merely an average of a prediction, little different than Hurricane Season here on Earth, and that giant solar flares CAN and DO occur at any time, not just during Solar Max, in the same way that hurricanes can and do form outside Hurricane Season?

Really, man, you're being ridiculous here.

And don't you think that if a giant planet whips around the Sun at high speed, making a very close approach, that it might CAUSE giant solar flares?

Plait then goes on to dismiss hurricanes, earthquakes, and other natural disasters which could easily be proven to be caused by the gravitational effects of a giant, invisible planet closing in on us at warp speed, claiming that the millions of scientists around the world who know of this could NOT be coopted or threatened to keep their mouths shut by the MIB, Illuminati, and other government stooges who are hiding the TRUTH that Kennedy was assassinated by Yetis fighting for Tibetan independence.

Yeah, right, Phil. Tell me another one.

Worst of all, Plait then tries to put the burden of proof on those who make what he calls "outlandish claims". First he calls them whackos, then expects them to act in a logical and mature fashion by WORKING to prove something which can be easily seen as the truth with the application of just a little imagination and no small dollop of heroin.

Phil, Phil, Phil. What am I going to do with you? I'll bet you expect your children to show their work on their math homework to "prove" they understand how to get the answer. I'll bet you expect your children to speak English in your house. I'll even bet that at one time you expected your children to appreciate all you've done for them. How cruel and selfish of you. The world doesn't need adults who are capable of rational thought, nor those capable of taking responsibility for themselves! What the world needs is more heroes like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and Snooki. It needs people who willingly, EAGERLY believe every con job the television and the internet sell them. Really, Phil, how do you expect the super-rich to continue to oppress us if we suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to believe they have our best interests at heart while they're robbing us blind?

What really took the cake for me, personally, as a pseudo-journalist who often invents sensational news stories in an effort to get people to click on my ads so I can make some money off their panic, is that he would interfere in the right of someone to seek a certain, relatively painless death for themselves or their children instead of waiting to see if the prognostications come to pass and possibly suffering a horrible death from being flung into space when the Earth's rotation comes to a sudden halt. Nibiru will be easily observed and its effects felt months before the end. If someone's brain is so defective that they can't stand to wait for the inescapable truth one way or the other, and choose to endure eternal damnation by killing themselves instead of letting God do it at the time of His choosing, then the gene pool will be that much cleaner when the survivors try to rebuild society.

The end is so obviously nigh, Phil Plait, Bad Astronomer. The "proof" you seek is coming. Will you keep denying it with your "rationality" four days later just because Santa Claus visited your house? I'll bet you will.

You're going to be awfully embarrassed when the world ends and you tried to keep people calm and realistic. There's no place for that sort of thing on this planet or any other. I suppose next he'll be telling us the world is warming up and the polar bears are dying off because there's no longer enough ice at the North Pole to block the Northwest Passage.

I will pray for your soul in the coming apocalypse, Phil.
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Dead in a Year

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What would you do if you knew you had only one year left to live? Would you muster up the guts to tell the girl (or guy) of your dreams how you felt? Would you tell your boss to shove it? Would you tell your false friends to find someone else to leech off of? Would you travel the world, do things you always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were afraid to or couldn't afford to?

Well now's your chance to find out what you'd do because in one year it will be December 21st, 2012, the day the world ends. Watch out, because there will probably be a lot of other people with less moral restraint than you or I doing all kinds of crazy things. Just in case one of them keeps you from seeing the end of the world, allow me to share with you how it might end.


As far as I know, I was the first to start talking about the "zombie apocalypse" which will strike when the Mayan calendar ends in one year, but the term has become pretty popular lately. You probably thought it was a joke, or that there's no such thing as zombies, but it was NOT a joke and there ARE zombies, and these zombies ARE going to destroy the world in a year's time.

At least, they're going to try.

How could this possibly happen? Well first we need to know a tiny bit of history and the factors which created the current zombie breeding environment.

1. In recent years, the people of America have become incredibly complacent. The end of the Cold War gave us a feeling of invulnerability; we were the sole remaining superpower and the greatest force in Human history, so who would dare piss us off? Add to that the wild success of the first Iraq war, and we started to believe we were infallible. You can see the effects of this in the second Iraq war when the whole world labeled us a rogue nation and we still went into Iraq. We just didn't care what the world said, because we KNEW Iraq was giving WMDs to terrorists.

2. TV programming has gotten steadily dumber. More and more, we celebrate those who are stupid and superficial and of horrid moral character and those who have NO character. Since when does a Kardashian matter? Never. Since when do a bunch of fakes on Jersey Shore matter? Never. Whose life is so lame that Brad Pitt's wishy-washiness matters? No one's. But these are the things being put on our TVs, and even our so-called learning channels are infested with dreck "reality" shows.

3. Mainstream news sources have denounced all journalistic ethics. The result is that when they're not fabricating the news, they're "reporting" on things which don't matter and ignoring things which do matter. A lot of hot air is blown about the "liberal media" and the "conservative media", but that's not what's really going on. The only time a rich person gets in trouble on the news is when another rich person wants them to be in trouble, and the only time a worthy cause gets coverage is when a rich person will profit from it. The OWS "coverage" is merely the latest and greatest example of misreporting and non-reporting. The only way to get actual news is through the internet.

4. The internet is being shackled and soon we will not have access to the only remaining source of truth and unedited information. That's not to say the internet isn't still a wild land full of disinformation, but at least it's POSSIBLE to get ACTUAL news from the internet if you're willing to look for it. You CAN'T do it on the TV, nor in the newspaper, because those are ALL owned by 3 men who have the same agenda: enslaving you. Once they've regained control of the internet, they will again have 100% control over the information you have access to. Good luck making informed decisions!

5. One political party is unabashedly abusing God's word to push its agenda. They make all the noises that a Christian does, and do all the things a Christian does... at least in public. Privately, they commit every crime imaginable, from adultery to drunken driving to stealing from the poor to advocating violence against Americans to bald-faced lying when they get caught red handed. And because they profess so strongly to be believers in Christ, too many believe their lies and they get away with murder. (Literally, in many cases.)

6. Education has become criminal. It used to be illegal to educate a woman. It used to be illegal to educate a negro. We can already see the beginnings of making it illegal to educate the poor. High-quality public education is what made this country great and helped it stay great for so long, but that's going away. First there was a backlash against certain subjects, like Evolution, and trying to replace it with nonscience nonsense. Then there was a complete lack of quality public education, and our children are becoming dumber by the minute. Now there's a movement to eliminate public education altogether and completely privatize the education industry, which will completely deny education to the poor and middle class. Education is the cornerstone of freedom. Without it, you are either a slave or a dead slave.

7. Surge of non-issues and cultivating of irrational hatreds. We spend so much time and energy on insignificant "issues" that we can't see the real problems which are CAUSING all those problems. Is it REALLY the end of the world if we give equal pay for equal work? Is it REALLY the end of the world if we collectively pay for a highway and then some of us use it more than others? Is it REALLY the end of the world if we keep government OUT of the bedroom? Is it REALLY the end of the world if someone uses the word "tar-baby" as a synonym for "quagmire"? Do we REALLY have to threaten violence to all who disagree with us? And because we make no headway in any of these issues, when faced with REAL issues, like the pandemic levels of corruption and treason our elected officials and corporate leaders display, we feel completely powerless to do anything about it, and so we let them continue to get away with it. We barely even notice the rape any more.

8. False Christians confuse and incite Christians to commit acts of violence and hate against each other. We complain a lot about how corrupt and violent Islam and Judeaism are, but they don't hold a candle to what an entire political party has done to foster its unholy agenda. It boggles my mind the evil being committed against our fellow Americans under the guise of Christianity when the Bible very clearly states we should love one another. The New Testament - Jesus' teachings - are the most important part of the Bible. Jesus taught forgiveness and peace and doing what is right. He did NOT teach that we should be slaves, or lie, or shoot Congresswomen for the convenience of whores from Alaska. Really, folks, if you believed in the Bible, I'm pretty sure you'd be noticing that the Anti-Christ is here.

9. There is very little will to protest unfairness. America was FOUNDED upon protesting unfairness. It's in our blood to fight against oppression. And yet, we've been subjugated from within. No one wants to rock the boat. No one wants to risk the ire of the Republican party because they'll take away your job and your home and your health care and your social security. Guess what? They're doing that anyway. You literally have NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. And yet you still let them rape you.

10. There are entirely too many secret laws and laws which invalidate the Constitution's protection of civil rights. And if you think a lawyer can still protect you, think again. "Justice" is available only to the rich now.

Combine together these factors and many more I didn't have space to mention and you have a breeding ground for mindless zombies who can't think for themselves and who will simply do what their masters tell them to do through the TV news and "reality" shows.

You don't believe me? Then you've been turned into a zombie.

With the unprecedented levels of greed exhibited by the 1%, not only are the poor being robbed, but that's not enough and they're robbing the middle class too. Regular, hard-working Americans, who were doing everything they were told that a good American should do to be successful, are having their livelihoods stolen from them. They worked harder and got less at the end of the day. When you've had your house repossessed and you're living on the street, you don't have the TV or the lamestream media clouding your judgment. You snap out of the zombification process and you start protesting what was done to you.

As the numbers of de-zombified people grows, so too do the protests around the country and around the world. Those in power are getting more and more nervous that the free ride is over and all their illusions will come crashing down. But they're not going to give up without a fight. Evil NEVER lays down and quits.

Instead of realizing they've overstepped their bounds and apologizing like a proper, honorable person would do, they're telling their hoards of zombies to attack the people who have escaped their programming. You see it on the "news" all the time. The talking heads first ignored the OWS movement, then when that didn't work they told obvious lies about it, and when that didn't work they've ordered the police to start physically assaulting them without provocation or justification.

As the election cycle begins, it promises to shatter all previous records of corruption - BILLIONS of dollars have already been spent to buy the elections this year, and BILLIONS MORE will be spent next year. Why exactly are we allowing our "free" elections to be bought? Remember that, it's important.

Over the course of next year, tensions between the still-powerful zombies and the growing de-zombified will increase, and the only thing which will hold them back will be the completely irrational belief that come election time in November, something useful will happen and the treasonous ones will be voted out and honest people will be voted in. In the next six weeks, as America realizes not only that they have AGAIN had their elections stolen and AGAIN put more traitors in office, and that these new people will REFUSE to correct the real problems facing this country because they are afraid to go against the people who bought their office for them, the dam will burst and the oppressed people will do what oppressed people have always done when they have nothing left to lose.

The puppet masters won't stand for that, and will cause blood to flow.

It might even reach John Titor proportions, which is to say a civil war will break out and we will ask Russia to nuke some of our cities to end the war. It'll be like Wierd Al Yankovick's song, Christmas at Ground Zero, except it won't be funny, it won't be accidental, and it won't happen on Christmas, it will happen four days before: December 21st.

And all this because the super-rich thought they needed 100% of the money instead of only their fair share.

It doesn't have to be that way, of course. There are many ways to stop it, though counting on the greedy to do what's ultimately in their best interests - treat people with respect - doesn't seem to be one of them. And relying on Congress to stop sucking at the teats of the rich for five seconds to represent their ACTUAL constituents doesn't seem to be in the cards either. The best option other than a Tea Party-esque armed assault on Washington DC to head off a far worse apocalypse would be to create a Constitutional Convention in each of the 50 states (not 57, Mr. Prez) in which we create an Amendment stating some rather important things that must be changed.

1. Corporations are tools, no different than hammers and cars, and as such their owners and the people entrusted to running them are responsible for their crimes. Like cars and hammers, corporations are not people and are not allowed to be used to influence politics in any way.

2. Money is not speech. No individual may donate more than $100 to a political campaign. No organization may donate value to one campaign without also donating equal value to all campaigns. (Frex, a TV station cannot pick and choose whose ads it runs, it must run everyone's or no one's.)

3. Any candidate who can gather signatures from at least 1% of the voters in a voting district is hereby an official candidate. In multiple-district elections (such as for President), a candidate who gets his 1% in at least 50% of the districts (states) is automatically to be added to all others upon his request of that district (state). All official candidates are to be allotted equal time/money/value in televised debates and campaigning. This is to be part of the charter of a TV station or network.

4. At no time will a candidate be allowed to receive a contribution anonymously. All contributions must be documented. The entire process must be above board and transparent to public scrutiny. No contributions can come from foreign sources.

5. If Congress plays chicken with the budget or the economy, all members who had any part in it will immediately be tried for treason.

6. All special benefits Congress voted for themselves, such as their retirement fund, their health care, and their exemption from the law, are null and void. All Congress members past and present who voted for such things without the express consent of a majority of their constituents shall be tried for treason.

7. Congress shall be forbidden from owning stock in any company or corporation because they are in a position to conduct insider trading and don't seem to have the self-restraint required not to do it. Any Congress member who has profited from the laws they have made any more than the average American is to be tried for treason.

8. No elected official shall be exempt from laws pertaining to drunken driving, drug use, murder, or any other serious crime. Any official trying to coerce law enforcement from arresting or prosecuting them shall be tried for treason. (This seems to be a big problem with governors too.)

9. The President shall have a line-item veto power so that the absurd riders which get tacked on to most bills shall be kept from becoming law.

10. Judges shall not be appointed for life. Lifespans are much too long. No judicial appointment shall last longer than 20 years and no judge shall serve longer than 20 years.

11. Elected officials shall be subject to recall if more than 75% of their voters want it. (Passons do flare from time to time, and recalls shouldn't be subject to whims.)

12. Above all, elected officials are expected to act in a responsible manner toward the country and their office. Those who put anything besides their country first - including political party, corporation, or themselves - shall be tried for treason. We expect our military to be willing to die in service, the least an elected official can do is make a comparable sacrifice. Additionally, all large corporations are required to have as part of their charter the same basic requirements for responsibility toward the country which made you. We don't mind you being rich and influential, we mind you abusing that power. With great power comes great responsibility, and great punishments for not living up to it.


These are the kinds of changes America needs to avoid the coming zombie apocalypse. Will we have the guts to implement them before disaster strikes, or will be have to destroy everything we have first? One thing is for sure: if we don't overcome the slavery the super-rich are trying to impose on us now, we will never have the chance again.

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One with Nature

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Is it just me, or are there a whole lot of 1's going on right now?

I've been waiting for this moment all my life. 11/11/11 11:11:11, just like I waited for 10/10/10 10:10:10 and the ever fun 12:34:56 7/8/90 and 1987/6/5 4:32:10 from my youth. I'm tempted to ridicule numerology-based end-of-the-world prophecies, but there are just so many to choose from.

I will note, though, that every single end-of-the-world prophecy has been proved false and they keep having to make new ones. Some of them, like the narrowly averted Cuban Missile Crisis and the Y2K thingy, weren't exactly ridiculous at the time, they were very nearly disasters which were avoided by people taking action rather than simply waiting them out. That's the major difference between the comical end-of-the-world predictions and the serious ones. I don't ignore or ridicule things like Iranian-supplied nuclear terrorists or North Korean ballistic missile tests, because those are REAL concerns. Things like that are real and require action to keep them from happening. I'm really not sure why the free world allows Iran to even have a nuclear program. Sounds like a bud that should've been nipped.

Okay, that's all the rambling I've got for you. You may resume your regularly scheduled Friday, now that I have distracted the end of the world from smacking you upside the head while you read this. Hug a veteran too!

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Sunday Funnies 11-10-23

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Welcome back for our weekly summary of everything important that you can't just scroll down and read! Just eight days to Halloween; do you have your house decorated and your costume designed and your party scheduled? If not, you'd better get it done quick.

We've had a cold snap here in Florida this weekend. Last Friday for my morning walk, it was so cold I felt like my brain was freezing. Still made about 5 miles, but I was miserable doing it. Fortunately it's warming up a little, and yesterday's and today's mornings were slightly less cold, so I'm not worried about Monday.

There were an awful lot of stories I thought were important enough to share over on our associated Facebook page, which you should check out and hit that big LIKE button at the top. So many, in fact, that I felt there was getting to be a bit of information overload, so I didn't share everything I really wanted to. Here are the most important things which happened last week:

86% of Bailout Money Used for Executive Bonuses -  How many times do we have to fall for this before we figure out we're getting ripped off by the corps AND the congressmen voting in favor of these?

5 Conservative Economic Myths Occupy Wall St. Is Helping Bust - Amazing. Simply amazing.

Awake The State November 1st! - All 50 state capitals are going to experience demonstrations.

The Artful Dodgers - How those who most need to pay their taxes get away with paying none.

Wall Street’s Second Occupation: The Rise of the NYPD's Homeland Security State - I believe they had something like this in Germany in the early 1930's.

Janet Reid's Most Terrifying Contest Ever! - I managed to get my entry in third out of almost 200. No idea when we'll hear who won, but if you pester Jet enough, maybe you can convince her I should win.

How to Regain Our Democracy - Very simple solution.

Presidential Candidate Buddy Roemer Calls for Withdrawal From NAFTA, WTO - These are basically illegal treaties in which we give away what we have and get nothing in return. They gotta go. Roemer is the only candidate who wants to get money out of DC to end taxation without representation.

Judge Judy - Here's Who You Support With Taxes - She's far more patient with him than I would be.

Stimulus Money Used to Employ Foreign Guest Workers Instead of Americans - Are you sure this isn't treason?

That will definitely keep you busy today. Have a great Sunday!

Discount Cards

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Thank you for letting me scam you last week.

Scams are awesome, aren't they? I've got a few of them I'd like to tell you about, and then we can work together and do what's morally required of us: parting suckers from their money.

A great way to part suckers and their money is to make them feel like they're getting a huge discount on what you're selling. And for eons, the traditional route to doing so has been to inflate the price and quote that to the customer, then let him haggle you down. It has worked well in the open-air markets of the world for millennia. Americans haven't directly experienced the joy of haggling in quite some time outside of a car lot, but if you'd like to see how it works, you can easily take a trip to Mexico and give it a try. I got my first experience when I was briefly stationed in San Diego. A couple weekends, we went down to Tijuana.

In Tijuana, and probably other Mexican border towns like Juarez, there is a touristy section of town where the locals bring what you're supposed to believe are handmade crafts (many of which might actually be) and if you pay the asking price, you're going to feel ripped off when you ask your buddy who DID haggle what they paid. For example, I found a really nice onyx chess set. After some haggling, I bought it for about $15. I have since seen the same set in two or three different stores selling for $50. I think I got a good deal! But if I hadn't haggled, I would've wound up paying about $30 or more.

Since we in America don't haggle on anything but the price of a car any more, and we all dread doing that, we don't get much experience with it, and it makes us pretty vulnerable to scams which use this simple principle of asking for a lot more than it's worth.

So it's not at all uncommon to see sales advertised which offer large discounts of 25%, 30% or even more, but which in actuality are the same price as before the sale. You've heard the deal: "They marked it up 35% so they could offer a 30% discount."

So let's do something like that ourselves, except we're going to do something different so people won't realize we're scamming them the same way everyone else does. What we're going to do differently is create a membership club for our grocery store. We'll even print up special cards so that people feel special, and at the cash register, they'll have to sign up for and use those cards to get discounts and sales.

This way, we can jack up ALL the prices in our store, then offer discounts on a few items for those people who have the card, and at the register, we'll tell them how much they've "saved" so they feel like it was worth it to get this card. We could sell them this card, but we could also give them away for free so that our customers feel like we're giving them something for free on top of the discounts.

Of course, it costs money to get these cards printed and get the card-reading equipment and track our customers and do all that obnoxious paperwork just to get the card, but we'll just pass those costs along to the customer. We can't add those costs to just the non-card-users, because there won't be many of them, and it would drive business away, but if we apply the additional cost burden too ALL customers, it will be harder for them to notice.

This puts us at a pricing disadvantage against any store which does NOT use this expensive system, but what are we going to do? We can't accept a smaller profit; I NEED a new swimming pool because the old one got wet! I think the "savings" we'll report to the customer should suffice to distract them from it. Most people believe anything you tell them if you say it with enough authority and conviction.

But wait, I've got another great idea!

Since we're already tracking what people are buying with their cards, why don't we use this information to make even more money off them? For instance, we can use what's called "targeted advertising" to send them ads regarding things they buy and things similar to things they buy. This should keep us on their minds so they don't leave us, and it should bring them in to check out those alternatives. They'll think we're very relevant and that we have everything they're looking for on sale all the time!

It will take a little while to get this information, and then to make use of it, but once we do have it, we have a choice of either lowering our prices or of pocketing the profits. HAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, like we'd ever choose to lower our prices! Had you going there, didn't I?

But wait, there's still a lot more we can do!

Our store doesn't carry everything everyone wants. It's simply not possible, and trying to do otherwise would cost too much. Let Bass Pro handle motorboats, we'll take care of groceries.

But people still DO want to buy stuff we don't have. How to profit on those sales? Simple! The stuff that people DO buy from us can still be used to find out other things people want to buy which we don't carry. What if we sold that data to other companies who DO sell those things? We can make as much in selling this behavioral data as we can in our actual business, and it's all PURE PROFIT! Our customers have already bought the equipment required to track what they're doing, we'll leave it to the other businesses which buy our data to interpret it; after all, we can't possibly know what they're looking for or how to get it from the data.

We'll get business from more than just Bass Pro. Think of all the insurance companies wanting to find evidence that their customers might have undisclosed health problems that they should be getting charged for. Think of all the mass-email-marketers who are looking for suckers to buy viagra. Think of all the government agencies desperate to find out what Americans are doing; and not just OUR government, but all of them! And think of all the uses we can't ourselves even conceive of! There's no limit to the uses that the data could be used for, or the people who will buy that data.

This is again PURE PROFIT, and the customers will eagerly give us all the information we want because we're making them think we've saved them 20 cents on a dozen eggs or a pair of crappy China-made shoes. It's a windfall like no other.

So what do you say? Can I count on your investment in a sure thing?

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Favorite Rip-offs

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Recently, some pretty ridiculous things have been assaulting me from the TV, from friends, and even my own family. I've shared a handful of them with you from time to time, but of late, it seems like there's a lot more than usual going on. It occurred to me that Snopes.com has a good thing going on: they expose fakes and the like, and they're pretty much the authority about that kind of thing. They've branded themselves well. I've always liked debunkers, which I suppose is why I have a lot of respect for Snopes, Mythbusters, and the Amazing Randy and Johnny Carson. Yep, I like Adam and Jaime for more than their ability to blow things sky high.

I came up with a great idea on how to rip off people while making them think I'm doing them a favor. Actually, I thought of a few ways, and I'll share them now and then. Today's idea has to do with on-line auctions.

Imagine for a moment that you wanted to run an auction website. How do you cut in on giants like Ebay? You have to come up with something different, of course. Like so...


In the online auction world, people sit up and take notice if you can promise them they can buy the stuff they want at pennies on the dollar. Designer labels for 90% off? You got it! Vacations for $20? Absolutely! New Corvette tickling your fancy? Why pay $70,000 when you can have one for $900? The hawt chicks won't know the difference! I can already hear you begging me to tell you how to get these deals and more.

If you cruise on over to Ebay, chances are pretty good you can find something you're looking for, and its current price is something ridiculously low. So you right quick make a bid for it; A new laptop for $50, baby! But the bidding increments are big, like $1, or $5, or even larger. I've seen bidding increments on some auction sites as high as 25% of the current price! Who wants to pay that?

So we'll offer bidding increments of 1 cent. Can't get any smaller than that! But there's another problem with online auctions: people routinely overbid.

I see it all the time. I find something really cool, like maybe a new hard drive or camera. I find out what it would cost to buy it at Newegg or Walmart and sure enough, the bidding goes over its value, usually in its last few minutes. It happens so often, it's almost impossible to get a good deal on anything I'm looking for. How do we overcome this?

We make it cost a dollar to bid! Genius! Now things won't get overbid on!

But wait, there's more. Because the prices are low, people will still be inclined to bid a lot. For instance, if a phone you're looking for would normally cost $100, it might sell here for $10. If the bidding increment is only a penny, who wouldn't bid for 90% off? Even people who've already bid a few times would probably bid another time or two.

On the surface, it sounds pretty fantastic: Getting to buy a $100 item for only $10, plus a few bids at a dollar apiece. But let's look a little closer.

At a penny per bid, how many times DID you bid? Is it possible you got into a bidding war with someone, maybe you bid 10 or 20 times? Maybe 30 or 40 times? Maybe 100 or 200 times? Sounds ridiculous, but let's look even closer.

If the bidding started at 1 cent, and got up to $10.00, that's 1000 bids. Could you have bid 10 or 20 or 40 or 100 times? That's $100 worth of bidding if you did!

But you're not that careless with your money, are you? Maybe you'd only bid 10 times if it was something you really wanted. $20 for a $100 phone is still a pretty good deal. But let's look at it from the other side.

With 1000 bids, that's $1000 spent just on bidding for a $100 phone!!! Can you see the possibilities? Isn't this a great scam? All we need is a snappy name!

I'd use something like QuiBids or BeeZid, but those're already taken. Anyone got a better name? Anyone got some money to invest? Guaranteed return on investment!

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Better to Have with no Need

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We've all heard it. I'm sure Huey Lewis wasn't the first to say it. Every time you need something you don't have, someone's sure to say, "It's better to have but don't need, than to need but don't have."

Really?

Is that why you've got all that junk in your garage? All those little toys and baubles and sundry, you got that because it was better to have it so you wouldn't need it?

Okay, I can see where sometimes that's good advice. It might rain today, so take an umbrella. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. The power might go out so you can't get in through the garage door, so you'd better bring your house key on your walk. The Russians might develop nuclear weapons, so we'd better develop some too.

But it doesn't work for everything. For example:


I don't need a private jet, but maybe I should get one, just in case, right? Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. I might have to run from The Langoliers some day.

I don't need an elephant, but I'd probably better get one just in case I decide to go to Thailand for the summer. You can't go to Thailand without an elephant!

I don't need a bazooka, but I'd probably better get one.

Okay, I probably do need a bazooka, just in case I get into a traffic jam caused solely by rubber-neckers, but I think you get the point. The phrase is what's known as a false dichotomy. It means we're being misled into thinking we have only two choices, usually two BAD choices. It's a favorite tool of politicians and lawyers to make people think they have only one sane choice. It may be better to have something and not need it than to need it and not have it, but think: if you REALLY don't need it, then why have it? That's right, you have a third option! It's even better to not need it AND not have it!

I just saved you about a trillion dollars of buying stuff you don't need. You don't need a fancy car if a regular car will do. You don't need a TV if you've got a good imagination and a good book. There is no conceivable use for a tattoo other than to proclaim to the world you have no sense. You don't need your own country. You don't need 99% of the crap that advertisers try to sell you, so don't buy it! (Obviously, if I try to sell you something, it's because you DO need it!)

There's an awful lot of stuff out there you've been conned into buying that you simply have no need for, and I'm not talking strictly about possessions. There are a lot of ideas you don't really need either. Any time a politician tries to pull your heart-strings to get you to jump through a hoop, stop and think: is what they're pushing on you REALLY the dividing line between good and evil? Were they REALLY thinking of the children when they proposed this? Are there OTHER options which should be considered?

When someone says, "We need this sidewalk so people don't get run over," is there really no other choice? "I have to do at least 90 on the highway or I'll get run over." I'll bet that's not true. "Video games are rotting kids' brains." Is it possible that maybe a lack of parenting is the real culprit? "If you want to be a 7 foot tall basketball player, you have to train like one." Are you sure?

Exercise a modicum of your vast intellect once in a while, okay?

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False Advertising

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Bacon Bits. We've all heard of them. However, there's not a bit of bacon in them. False advertising. Another example I recall from an episode of the Simpsons. Bart and his friends were on a wild summer vacation and one of the things they did was go to the theater to see the movie, Naked Lunch. They come out and Nelson says, "I can think of two things wrong with that title."

What false advertising have you encountered?

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Sugar Rush

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Some friends of mine are discussing Skittles-filled doughnuts and I cringed at the thought. "Too much sugar," I'm tempted to scream as I run away. "I'd get one heckuva sugar rush. I prefer my sugar to be a little more subtle, like half a pound of chocolate, or candied peanut butter, or soft chocolate chip cookies. Skittles are pure sugar."

It then occurred to me that a good chocolate bar probably has as much sugar as a bag of Skittles, so what was the difference?
Well taste, obviously. I won't get a sour-cringe from chocolate. But I realized there are other sweet foods I prefer which give me less of a sugar rush.

For instance, I've always prefered clear soft drinks like Sprite and Slice over the darker ones, like Pepsi and Coke. Even root beer, my favorite, isn't as sweet as a cola. I've also never much cared for fruit-flavored drinks. On the Bataan, when I wasn't drinking water or paying for an overpriced can of pop, I'd drink Red from the galley. Not sure what flavor it was supposed to be, but it wasn't as tart as Orange, and much more appealing to look at than Yellow or Green. We sometimes used it for cleaning brass.

I've also never enjoyed death-by-chocolate desserts. You know, those things made with three or four (or more) types of chocolate treat (chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate shavings, chocolate ice cream, and topped with chocolate syrup being the most common I've seen, but strangely can't find a picture of). Nope, I'll go for a scoop of vanilla on a warm chocolate chip cookie and some caramel on top. (Lines of chocolate syrup will do in a pinch - Red Lobster and Taste of Portugal have a dessert to die for!)

Over-sugaring gives me a headache, and has been known to make me sick. (Fitting, since caffeine is slightly poisonous and sugar is very acidic.) Even the Cadbury Creme Eggs are getting to be too much sugar. That said, I can eat a half-pound milk-chocolate bar or bunny with ease.

For the most part, I've given that stuff up. I've been restricting my junkfood intake to Saturdays only, and lost about 15 more pounds without too much trouble. I ate less junk last Saturday and this week lost three more pounds because of it. I don't normally brag about three little pounds. After all, two Saturdays ago I put on eight pounds in a single day. Most of that was water - I drank about a gallon over the day - but I also ate a lot. I've also had days where I've LOST five pounds in the space of 5 minutes. No, really. Guess how I did it.

I will continue to eat less junk, though I'm not going to cut it out completely because I still feel like I need an outlet for my chocolate and pizza cravings and there's no sense setting myself up to feel like a cheater. Having an anything goes day once per week is genius! I need a good calorie spike on Saturdays, but that doesn't mean I have to eat a week's worth of calories on Saturdays.

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The Tax Man Cometh

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Hope you've got your taxes done. Today's the day. If you don't have it done, even though the Constitution says you don't have to pay taxes, you'll get thrown in jail to serve as an example to the rest of us. We wouldn't want our able Congresscritters losing their paychecks, now would we? This ain't a land of laws, it's a land of guns, and if you don't do what the guys with the guns tell you, regardless of whether it's the law, you're the one who gets in trouble. So be sure to get your annual tithe in and hope the people you're paying to do their jobs will actually do them this year.

As you were.

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We are the Official Website of Florida!

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Good news! In a press conference this coming Monday, Florida Senators Bill Nelson and Marco Rubio will announce in a bilateral agreement that we, Mopjockey.com, are the official website of Florida!!! OMG! Senator Nelson just called me up this morning to give me the good news and I had to tell you all about it right away! After I gushed for a while, I asked him why we were receiving such an honor, and guess what he said?

Go ahead, guess!


Because of all the websites whose owners live in Florida, this one, Mopjockey.com, has consistently garnered the most traffic and raised the most awareness of the solutions to the state's, country's, and world's problems.

Yeah, amazing, right? All a guy could ever want, and recognition for it too! Check out some of the reasons Bill enumerated:

The "Expose Yourself" articles, first and foremost.
Our local astronomy series, recently updated.
Our ever-popular To Your Health series, also recently updated.

And then there's all the celebrities I've met and whose careers I've boosted over the years, all the political commentary, and all the excellent, life-changing advice (which you can find listed by clicking on the appropriate article categories along the left side).

Now I have to pack for a quick trip up to Tallahassee, the state capital, where they'll present me with the award at a public ceremony, which I suspect will be attended by a certain former President from Florida, and I'll be up all night designing special site badges!

Thank you all for your support, and I'll see you on Monday! Those of you in the Daytona Beach area, come on down to the City Island Library at 12:15 tomorrow and you'll see J. W. Thompson speak about how to improve the size of your Facebook audience and get them interested in your books.

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More awesome and inspiring articles not published on the 91st day of the year:
Centennial Celebration
Breaking personal records is fun!
What makes for good TV?

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A Dry Feet Shower

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I'm not an especially hairy guy, but I've got some, and over the years I've lived here, I've managed to clog the sink and bathtub a few times. Good ol' Liquid Drano bails me out every time.

However, a couple months ago, when I had to do my annual Drano ritual, it didn't work. Neither sink nor tub would drain, meaning it took extra effort to clean my shavings out of the sink and I had to stand in water during my shower. The liquid form of Drano failed me, so I tried the gel. It had worked last couple times, but this time it too failed. I tried that new dual-Drano, you know, the foaming one that's supposed to be super-effective.

Didn't make a dent in it.

I didn't know what to do! I'd spent about $30 without result. With both drains clogged, surely I'd need to call a plumber to run a snake down there. I hemmed and hawed and thought about it for a while, doing my best to withstand the horrid tragedy of having to stand in water during a shower.

Finally, I broke down and asked my dad what I should do.

Next thing you know, he shows up with a bottle of some other brand of liquid drain cleaner. It looked like it was industrial strength. He poured some down each drain, and 15 minutes later ran water down, and sure enough, it drained! Yay!

Now my feet can stay dry in the shower and I can easily rinse out my sink after a shave. Now if I could just get this stupid low-flow toilet to flush properly all the time...

In other news, tomorrow at the Daytona Beach library, we've got a guest speaker, Vic DiGenti! Exciting times! Hurry on down, the meeting starts at 12:15, and we'll probably be going over to Stavro's about 2:30 or so for the after-party. Weather-permitting I'll be riding my motorcycle in celebration of my county-wide birthday party, which the locals affectionately call "Bike Week". People come from all over the country and all over the world to wish me a happy birthday. Get in on the action! Get me one of these for my birthday!


















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More articles which will interest or entertain you:
The 'Israelification' of airports: High security, little bother
Maps are freakin' awesome
How to Talk Like a Trucker

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