Sunday funnies - 11-10-9

Tweet.

Since starting up the Facebook attachment (which I just spoke about in the previous post), I've found it's very easy to just throw up interesting links. However, Facebook doesn't have a very good history function, nor a good search function, so when those very important posts fall too far down, they're pretty much lost to all who aren't internet archaeologists.

So I just now sez to myself, "Self," I sez, "why not preserve the best of them thar linkies up in here in this website?" That might be funnier if you can imagine me doing it in my Mr. Turner voice. If you've had the privilege to hear it.

But anyway, here are the best links of the week, not counting the links back to here.

Bombshell: DOJ Considering Elimination of ATF

What’s behind the scorn for the Wall Street protests? - Jesse Ventura (yes, that one) pointed this out.

TrainStation - A very rare find: a Facebook game worth playing.

Daily Show: Parks and Demonstration - John Stewart's take on the Wall Street demonstrations.

Ohio Pork Industry Hurt by Prison System Decision - Political Retardation strikes again.

Bank On It: They're Scared - More on the Occupy Wall Street movement, just released today.


Quite a collection there. Once you're done checking them all out, how about heading over to our new Facebook page and hitting the LIKE button for us? Click here to see it. Do it. Do it nooooooow.

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Good Numbers, Gooooood Numbers

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As you know, I added some Facebook love to the site. I then campaigned to get 1000 LIKEs. A lofty goal, no doubt, especially since I don't have even 1/3 that many FB friends, but sometimes if you shoot for the stars, you hit the moon. I did pretty good, considering, but the opportunity to set a record is gone.

I'd still appreciate a LIKE, if you don't mind taking a second to do it. The more LIKEs we get, the harder we'll try to be likeable. (In a manly, macho sort of way, not a toady, mealy sort of way.)

I also spent some time checking out some of the new ways available to display a blog. They've come up with an absolutely GORGEOUS front page, which I used briefly Friday, until I discovered that some critical functionality was missing and had to switch back. It's a shame, it was really awesome. Hopefully in the future they'll fix that and I can use it.

But there's some unmitigated good news, too. Not just that Sarah Palin has taken her misbegotten  pre-campaign donations and withdrawn from the Presidential race, but rather that the site's numbers are up big time!


This started happening back in August, when we shattered our old record for views, which had been set back in July 2010, the first month Google offered statistics tracking. The 31 days of August 2011 saw a dramatic climb in visitors! For September, the number stayed about the same, which surprises me since I published only one story in that time. And so far this month, the number of visitors has been on the rise, which means I'll bet October is an even bigger record breaker!

The October numbers are definitely influenced by the Facebook connection, and I expect to get the numbers to rise even further, especially since I've got a ton of new articles written and coming.

I'm liking the Facebook addition so far. It's very easy to put out little blurbs. Kind of like Twitter, but not obnoxious, and more capable. I can throw a bunch of pictures up in a gallery very easily, or jot down some interesting blurb, or release a cool link. Facebook works well for that. Facebook isn't nearly so good for things like longer articles, or static information pages like the Civ4 page or the Expose Yourself articles list.

So I'm pretty happy to see this upswing in interest.

And it's all, of course, thanks to you, the loyal reader and supporter. Without you, all this I do would be pointless and to no benefit to anyone.

Keep tuning in, there's a lot more to come! Check us out tomorrow!

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Right lane allergy

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I have lived near major interstates pretty much all my life, especially my adult life. By this I mean an interstate highway which has 3 or more lanes per direction which is within 2 miles of my house. A good example of this is the Bohrman Expressway in northwest Indiana. I-80/94, the fastest non-toll road into Chicago, has had 3 lanes for as long as I can remember. (A few years ago, they added a fourth lane to it.)

In a place like northwest Indiana, where the traffic is thick and the exits are only a mile or two apart, or over in Chicago where it's considerably worse, I can see why people might develop an allergy to being in the right-most lane. That's where the entry and exit ramps are, and keeping out of that lane means you're not in anyone's way.

But here in Florida, on the stretch of I-95 that I live near where there are 3 lanes to travel in and the exits are few and far between, I still see people exhibiting this allergy.

Most of the people here are from the New York area, so they probably know how to drive almost as well as I do, which makes it surprising that they would discriminate against a lane when, where they learned to drive, all lanes are needed to get anywhere.

I've driven all over the country (excepting 4 states) and seen this happening everywhere. I even see it on the vast majority of roads which have only 2 lanes in each direction, and the frequency seems to increase every year. What is this fear people have of driving in the right lane? I can see no reason why people would feel compelled to stay out of it, but as I write this (last weekend of September), I'm on the road to attend my niece's graduation from law school and my dad hasn't been in the right lane for more than the 2 seconds it took to get across it when we got on the road half an hour ago.

You're supposed to be in the right lane unless you're engaged in passing someone, or if there's an emergency vehicle on the right shoulder. Most people also have the courtesy to move over if someone's trying to enter the highway. But the rest of the time, you're supposed to be in the right lane.

Why? Because doing so promotes better traffic flow. It allows the drivers anxious to get speeding tickets to get past those who drive in 2nd gear. And it's the law, if that matters.

You probably hate getting stuck behind a long line of cars, like everyone else does. If the rules of the road didn't tell us to keep right except to pass, the highways would be unbearably clogged with even half the traffic they now carry. I see it in places where this is ignored.

So do us all a favor and keep right, except to pass. And when passing, if you have to speed up a little bit to complete the operation in under 10 seconds, please do so. It's not just common courtesy, it's the law.

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Favorite Rip-offs

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Recently, some pretty ridiculous things have been assaulting me from the TV, from friends, and even my own family. I've shared a handful of them with you from time to time, but of late, it seems like there's a lot more than usual going on. It occurred to me that Snopes.com has a good thing going on: they expose fakes and the like, and they're pretty much the authority about that kind of thing. They've branded themselves well. I've always liked debunkers, which I suppose is why I have a lot of respect for Snopes, Mythbusters, and the Amazing Randy and Johnny Carson. Yep, I like Adam and Jaime for more than their ability to blow things sky high.

I came up with a great idea on how to rip off people while making them think I'm doing them a favor. Actually, I thought of a few ways, and I'll share them now and then. Today's idea has to do with on-line auctions.

Imagine for a moment that you wanted to run an auction website. How do you cut in on giants like Ebay? You have to come up with something different, of course. Like so...


In the online auction world, people sit up and take notice if you can promise them they can buy the stuff they want at pennies on the dollar. Designer labels for 90% off? You got it! Vacations for $20? Absolutely! New Corvette tickling your fancy? Why pay $70,000 when you can have one for $900? The hawt chicks won't know the difference! I can already hear you begging me to tell you how to get these deals and more.

If you cruise on over to Ebay, chances are pretty good you can find something you're looking for, and its current price is something ridiculously low. So you right quick make a bid for it; A new laptop for $50, baby! But the bidding increments are big, like $1, or $5, or even larger. I've seen bidding increments on some auction sites as high as 25% of the current price! Who wants to pay that?

So we'll offer bidding increments of 1 cent. Can't get any smaller than that! But there's another problem with online auctions: people routinely overbid.

I see it all the time. I find something really cool, like maybe a new hard drive or camera. I find out what it would cost to buy it at Newegg or Walmart and sure enough, the bidding goes over its value, usually in its last few minutes. It happens so often, it's almost impossible to get a good deal on anything I'm looking for. How do we overcome this?

We make it cost a dollar to bid! Genius! Now things won't get overbid on!

But wait, there's more. Because the prices are low, people will still be inclined to bid a lot. For instance, if a phone you're looking for would normally cost $100, it might sell here for $10. If the bidding increment is only a penny, who wouldn't bid for 90% off? Even people who've already bid a few times would probably bid another time or two.

On the surface, it sounds pretty fantastic: Getting to buy a $100 item for only $10, plus a few bids at a dollar apiece. But let's look a little closer.

At a penny per bid, how many times DID you bid? Is it possible you got into a bidding war with someone, maybe you bid 10 or 20 times? Maybe 30 or 40 times? Maybe 100 or 200 times? Sounds ridiculous, but let's look even closer.

If the bidding started at 1 cent, and got up to $10.00, that's 1000 bids. Could you have bid 10 or 20 or 40 or 100 times? That's $100 worth of bidding if you did!

But you're not that careless with your money, are you? Maybe you'd only bid 10 times if it was something you really wanted. $20 for a $100 phone is still a pretty good deal. But let's look at it from the other side.

With 1000 bids, that's $1000 spent just on bidding for a $100 phone!!! Can you see the possibilities? Isn't this a great scam? All we need is a snappy name!

I'd use something like QuiBids or BeeZid, but those're already taken. Anyone got a better name? Anyone got some money to invest? Guaranteed return on investment!

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A Few Small Changes

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Now that we've had a month of rememberance, it's time to get back into the swing of things.

Over the past few months, I've been a little sparse. Part of this is due to Facebook sucking up some of my time (it seems even more well-designed at helping people get the word out to the masses than Google's blogging system), part of it is due to getting some writing done on three different books, and part of it is that I was focusing a lot on some personal issues, such as my weight-loss efforts (going well; I'm down 60 pounds from my peak). I also spent a lot of time with friends.

Last weekend, I took a trip up to Jackson to see my favorite niece graduate from college, and then got whooped up on by her little boys at putt-putt, who are 5 and 3 (and don't really like to putt). Good to get to spend the day with them and to hook up with some other friends whilest up there.

Riding in the car, I had a few hours available, and most importantly, the inspiration, to crank out a handful of articles, and in the past week since getting home, I've been doing a lot of reading. So basically, I've got some things to say over the next few weeks/months to keep you entertained. I've also got a slightly different direction to take the site in, a new angle to see things from.

Be here first thing Monday morning.

(And while I'm thinking of it: happy birthday to my lady-friends in Mississippi: one turned 17 yesterday and another turned 29 today.)

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Never Forgetting

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It was a Tuesday like any other. I had just gone on Terminal Leave from 6 years in the Navy - I was technically still in the military, but about 3 weeks before, I'd taken my first and only helicopter flight off the Bataan (LHD-5) to get on my way back home to Northwest Indiana. I had a total of 6 weeks of Leave stocked up, and I was ready for some major decompression before getting into a new job. I'd spent the past 3 weeks having some fun, and that morning was in my room, doing some writing when, at 9:00, I received a phone call from my Aunt Kitty.

2000

"Are you watching TV?" she asked.

Both buildings struck

"Naw, I pretty much lost interest in it while I was in the Navy," I answered, thinking maybe she was going to ask me to spend the day with her.

"Turn it on. Any channel."

I came out to the living room and hunted for the remote. It occurred to me she wouldn't ask me to do something like that unless something was happening, but I was expecting maybe a Presidential address or something. I had no way to prepare myself for what I saw.

What I saw when I turned on the TV

The first image was a medium-shot of the twin towers, with smoke billowing out of one of them. The other was obscured by smoke or the angle. It took a moment before I realized what the news was saying, that someone had crashed a jet liner into the building. Both, in fact. And as the coverage continued, something else finally made its way into my shocked brain: the other tower wasn't obscured. It was gone.

I watched, unable to tear my eyes away. Unable to stop hoping that some of those people would be all right. I saw something fall off the building, and the newsman said it was a jumper. He said it was ANOTHER jumper. Several people had already jumped.

Immediately after second collapse

Then the unthinkable happened. The second tower started collapsing. I couldn't believe it. The other building had been hit much lower; that it fell was less of a surprise, but this one had been hit toward the top. Only a few floors should have been lost. But no, the whole thing collapsed like a house of cards. I couldn't believe it.

Two days to see the result

I don't remember how or when my phone call ended. Did we talk? Did she just hang up right away to call someone else? I don't remember. All I know is that horrible feeling of dread as they kept showing over and over the impact of the second plane, and the collapse of each tower. I remember being too overwhelmed to feel anything about the Pentagon, or the flight in Pennsylvania destined for the White House. I do remember those brave souls who decided to take back their airplane, who refused to let the terrorists accomplish their mission.

Recovering the flag

I also remember the attitude we had following that day. Before that point, in any TV show or movie, when someone gets taken hostage, they're almost always paralyzed with fear. They'd rather hang on to the microscopic hope that they would be all right, that someone would save them or that the bad guys would have enough honor to let them go. But after that point, it was like Americans realized for themselves that letting ANYONE take them hostage WAS a death sentence. How can you trust that someone who is willing to kill you WON'T kill you when he no longer needs you alive? How can you trust that your death at his hands isn't what he's planning all along, and that he'd just using you as a shield so he can kill more than just you?

Symbolic return

Before 9/11, there were a scant handful of movies which depicted hostage takers giving the police a horrible choice: kill a bus/plane load of hostages, or wait until the terrorists drove/flew their vehicle someplace to kill even more people.

2006

For a few years after 9/11, it looked like America was going to get serious on terror. Like we were going to kick the ass of ANYONE who tried to hold a gun on us. There is NO guarantee that someone demonstrating his willingness to shoot you WON'T shoot you. Better to deny him whatever he wants; you're going to die anyway. Even if he doesn't kill you, you're going to die anyway, so why help him kill others? It seemed like Americans felt that way, and they'd do what it took to rid the world of the scourge of terrorism.

2011

It seemed like they weren't afraid, that they'd accepted that someone could intrude on their lives at any moment with a gun or a bomb or an envelop of anthrax. They could die at any moment, and so they need not worry about it. They would just live their lives, and if death should come knocking, they would defiantly go down swinging and try to take their killer with them.

2011

Today, 10 years later, America has a Holy Site, no less important to us than the Great Mosque in Mecca, the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, Lord Ram's birthplace in Ayodhya, or Vatican City in Rome. And today, right about now, it's being commemorated and the museum is opening. The Twin Towers site is receiving an overhaul, complete with new skyscrapers, and today the Freedom Tower has reached a height of 1000 feet out of the total, planned to be 1776 feet. The Freedom Tower is expected to be complete in 2013, and the other structures in the following years, while the museum and park are open now.

2020

I wish I could be in New York City today.


Timeline of 9/11 attacks.
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Better to Have with no Need

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We've all heard it. I'm sure Huey Lewis wasn't the first to say it. Every time you need something you don't have, someone's sure to say, "It's better to have but don't need, than to need but don't have."

Really?

Is that why you've got all that junk in your garage? All those little toys and baubles and sundry, you got that because it was better to have it so you wouldn't need it?

Okay, I can see where sometimes that's good advice. It might rain today, so take an umbrella. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. The power might go out so you can't get in through the garage door, so you'd better bring your house key on your walk. The Russians might develop nuclear weapons, so we'd better develop some too.

But it doesn't work for everything. For example:


I don't need a private jet, but maybe I should get one, just in case, right? Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. I might have to run from The Langoliers some day.

I don't need an elephant, but I'd probably better get one just in case I decide to go to Thailand for the summer. You can't go to Thailand without an elephant!

I don't need a bazooka, but I'd probably better get one.

Okay, I probably do need a bazooka, just in case I get into a traffic jam caused solely by rubber-neckers, but I think you get the point. The phrase is what's known as a false dichotomy. It means we're being misled into thinking we have only two choices, usually two BAD choices. It's a favorite tool of politicians and lawyers to make people think they have only one sane choice. It may be better to have something and not need it than to need it and not have it, but think: if you REALLY don't need it, then why have it? That's right, you have a third option! It's even better to not need it AND not have it!

I just saved you about a trillion dollars of buying stuff you don't need. You don't need a fancy car if a regular car will do. You don't need a TV if you've got a good imagination and a good book. There is no conceivable use for a tattoo other than to proclaim to the world you have no sense. You don't need your own country. You don't need 99% of the crap that advertisers try to sell you, so don't buy it! (Obviously, if I try to sell you something, it's because you DO need it!)

There's an awful lot of stuff out there you've been conned into buying that you simply have no need for, and I'm not talking strictly about possessions. There are a lot of ideas you don't really need either. Any time a politician tries to pull your heart-strings to get you to jump through a hoop, stop and think: is what they're pushing on you REALLY the dividing line between good and evil? Were they REALLY thinking of the children when they proposed this? Are there OTHER options which should be considered?

When someone says, "We need this sidewalk so people don't get run over," is there really no other choice? "I have to do at least 90 on the highway or I'll get run over." I'll bet that's not true. "Video games are rotting kids' brains." Is it possible that maybe a lack of parenting is the real culprit? "If you want to be a 7 foot tall basketball player, you have to train like one." Are you sure?

Exercise a modicum of your vast intellect once in a while, okay?

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Antarctica Visits Indiana

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The car screamed! So loudly, I had to shut it off, for fear of waking the entire neighborhood. Not something you want to do in Gary, Indiana. It was never too late at night nor too cold to shoot someone who desperately needed it.

I shivered my way back up to the house in the 40 below, midnight air. "The car screamed when I started it!" I told my dad. "I've never heard such a sound before!"

"It did that last night too. It eventually warms up. Get it started, we have to get going," he told me.

Oooookay...



Back out I go, shivering like I never had before. I started the car again, and there was that horrible sound, like I was torturing an entire barge-load of steel.

I turned the fan off; no sense blowing cold air on me, and no sense drawing off what little warm air would help the engine stop making all that racket as soon as possible.

I retreated back to the house. No sense freezing out here.

Dad had just stepped into the shower. He'd just gotten home from working a 3 to 11 shift at the steel mill, and needed to wash the day off himself. I sat on the couch and tried to catch a power nap. It's amazing what five minutes of sleep can do. As per usual, I hadn't been able to catch a nap during the day. I simply can't go to sleep that easily. I wasn't terribly sleepy now, but I may as well try; I was going to be awake for the next 12 hours at least.

I don't think I got any sleep, but I felt slightly refreshed when Dad came out of the bathroom, dressed and ready to go. The screaming outside had stopped. If anyone was gun happy, they hadn't had anyone to shoot at, and now there wasn't much reason to shoot.

I got into the car and Dad went around back to the garage and started his new car, which was still warm enough from his ride home from work an hour before that it didn't scream.

Tonight was probably the worst possible night to be doing this. It was the biggest snowstorm in quite some time, not that we had the Weather Channel to tell us. We simply trusted in our abilities and our familiarity with the route we were taking, and that was that.

The roads through town were icy and snow-covered. I led us along the streets carefully. I turned onto Grant Street, which was plowed only slightly better than the other streets, and had the advantage of more traffic. I was thankful I had gloves and a heavy coat and extra layers of clothing to keep me warm, because the car's heater still wasn't putting out any heat.

I looked behind me in the mirror, just in time to see my dad's headlights turn, and then watch as he spun out and ended up on the side of the road.

I turned around and came back, found him cursing up a storm at having smacked his rear fender into the only city bench - made of concrete, no less - on the entire street. "At least you didn't wrap it around a telephone pole," I told him. "At least there's no ditch to end up in here."

It would be no problem getting him out of there - he wasn't stuck. "Do you still wanna go on?" I asked, wondering if this was a portent. His new car had rear wheel drive, the one I was driving was front wheel driven and less likely to be succeptible to slips out of nowhere like that.

"Yeah, let's go," he said.

Turned out it was a portent of sorts. Since then, every time he's gotten a new car, he's damaged it within a week. Other than that, it stays in great condition, but it's something about having a new car, and perhaps all the worrying about damaging it, that something happens and it gets a dent or a scratch or something easily avoided.

We had expected the interstates to be fairly clear of snow and ice. For the most part, they were, and we made good time across the Bohrman to Illinois, then down I-57. A little past Kankakee, the snow started coming down in earnest. There were times I had to slow down to the embarrassingly low speed limit of 55 in those days, or even lower. Some patch of storm would come along, visibility would drop, and I'd have to do 45 or so to be sure I was staying on the road. There were even parts of the road where there was only one lane cleared.

But most of the way was clear enough to drive at highway speeds, and so we made it to Boomland in Charleston, Missouri, in about our usual six hours. Boomland had the cheapest gas on the whole leg between Gary and Jackson, Mississippi, and was about half way there, so we always stopped.

The weather wasn't much warmer in Missouri than it was in Gary. It was deeper in the night to make up for it. Sunrise was still a couple hours away.

"I wanted a cold can of pop," my dad said, "so I stuck one on the plastic rings and hung it outside the window for a minute. Didn't know if the wind would knock it off, but it held. When I brought it back inside and opened it up, it was frozen solid."

"That's nothing. The car only just got warm enough a few minutes ago that I could take my gloves off and touch the steering wheel," I topped him. It was true, too. The heater had only started putting out warm air six hours after starting the car.

With a warm car, and a warm belly courtesy of Wally's in Boomland - no time to drool over the huge fireworks selection today - the rest of the trip to Jackson was uneventful. The roads were clear enough for high speed, and I believe the temperature made it above zero by the time we got to Jackson.

We arrived at about noon and dropped the old car off with my brother, who needed one since his had broken down, and then we caught some much-needed sleep in preparation for our return journey back north so Dad could make it to work on time.

Because we'd never gone that way before and would have daylight for the trip, and it wasn't that big a difference in the distance, we decided to go up I-65.

Mistake.

Things were fine until we reached Kenucky. In Alabama and Tennessee, there was snow on the ground, but it was plowed. In Kentucky, they hadn't done much to get the snow off the road, and so traffic was backed up quite a bit. All three lanes were jammed.

Thanks to a curve, I saw ahead of us in the left lane that some idiot truck driver had decided to block up the lane just because he could. He had about a mile of open road in front of him, and no evidence at all of any lane closure ahead. Why was no one else filling that space?

I had no idea, but the truck was only a few cars ahead of us.

I waited as patiently as I knew how to back then, and when I spied an opening in the shoulder wide enough to pass, I went for it. Quickly I got around the truck before the opening closed, and was celebrating my victory by continuing to pass dozens of other cars who were inexplicably not filling this lane. Finally, after about a mile, we came to the end of the line, where we rejoined the jam.

It was exhilerating!

At some point near Lexington, we pulled over to get lunch, and give the plows a little more time to work. I studied the road map to see if there was a decent way around the jammed interstate. Dad decided to drive, because I'm the navigator in the family, and I thought I had found a good route.

The interstate was still jammed, so we took other streets, which were sufficiently cleared. The only problems there were the traffic lights and low speed limits. But we were still going faster than we had been on the interstate.

We kept going by the interstate, kept seeing it was still jammed, and so we kept winding our way north to the state line through the city streets.

We knew that Indiana wouldn't tolerate this kind of thing - they'd have plowed the roads and they'd be clear. We also knew the only decent way across the state line - marked by the mighty Ohio River - was the interstate bridge. We'd have to survive a little traffic jam until we got to the bridge, so I got us as close as I could to the river before getting back onto the highway.

To our pleasant surprise, the way was clear! Traffic was light and moving! And so the rest of our journey was uneventful.

Upon reaching home, it was as if the TV stations had no news to report - as if it had all been preempted - by the snowstorm. They said it was a record blizzard in several states, and had killed quite a few people. Many cars were stranded on the roads.

We had driven through the worst areas and hadn't noticed much of anything worth reporting. Just another minor blizzard to us.

Having been through some really serious blizzards in the past, I didn't think much of this one. Maybe being about 20 had something to do with my perception too. Many of you will remember that blizzard in the early 90's for any number of things, but I will remember it as the night the car screamed for 15 minutes, that it took six hours to warm up enough to be able to touch the steering wheel without gloves on, and an inexplicable mile-long gap in a single lane of traffic which I miraculously managed to get into and make full use of.

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Speed up Your Computer for Free

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You bought a computer a few years back, and now it's blazingly slow. It takes forever to get it turned on, and it's getting so bad you can't hardly even load this website without wondering if it's locked up. It's so bad, you're considering throwing it away and buying another one.

FEAR NOT! Help is on the way!

In my nearly 30 years of using computers, I've picked up a few tricks which will help you restore some of your computer's lost horsepower so you can get back to staying up to date on my goings on, which is something all red-blooded Humans should be doing. So prepare yourself to be amazed and eternally indebted to me.

Step 1:

Get a stop watch. Start the stopwatch at the same time as you turn your computer on and boot up all the way to the main Windows screen. If this requires logging in, do so. You should be at the point where you see your pretty wallpaper and the START button. Click on the START button. When the menu appears, choose the CONTROL PANEL. When the CONTROL PANEL and its contents have appeared, STOP the stopwatch and write down your time.

If it takes more than 15 minutes to get to this point, your best bet is to have your computer's operating system (OS) reinstalled using the recovery disks it came with. Hopefully you've got copies of all your important files backed up to a CD or an external hard drive. Stuff like vacation pictures, tax documents, music, movies, programs you've downloaded (as opposed to having installed them from a disk), passwords, email, and porn should all be backed up someplace besides your C: drive. Don't forget the stuff on your desktop!

Programs which came on a disk can be reinstalled, so you don't have to back them up, just the data they generated. Go find the disks while you're waiting. If you're not sure how to do this, get one of your kids to do it for you. Keep in mind, you WERE planning on throwing it away, so don't worry if disaster strikes.

If it takes less than 15 minutes to boot, or if you've got stuff you simply can't bear to lose, then we'll see about cleaning up the junk files, which should help out tremendously.

Junk Files

What the heck are junk files? These are simply files that Windows SHOULD HAVE DELETED on its own, but for whatever reason it didn't, and now they're rattling around on your hard drive, wasting your space, and slowing down your computer. By getting rid of these junk files, your computer will start working a whole lot faster, though it won't be quite as fast as if you had reinstalled the operating system.

Click to zoom! This is Windows 7.

Step 2:
Now we need to look at your system properties. If you have a MY COMPUTER icon on your desktop, right-click it and select PROPERTIES. If you don't have it, click on START, then you should see a COMPUTER or MY COMPUTER choice in your start menu. Right-click on it and select PROPERTIES.

Everybody should have a system information panel displayed. If your computer is really slow, this might take a amoment to show up.

On this system info panel, you'll see your computer's important statistics. Somewhere on there it will tell you what OS (Operating System) you're using and how much memory you have.

If you are using Windows XP, you need to have at least 1 GB of memory. If you are using Vista or Seven, you need at least 2 GB of memory. If you have less than these amounts, you should seriously consider getting your memory increased to these levels. It's not very expensive and not very hard. Hopefully you've got a computer nerd in the family who can help you out, or you know a guy. You CAN get by on half these amounts (512 MB and 1 GB respectively), but your computer is doomed to be slower than it should be. If you have even less than that, you should probably firebomb the people who sold you the computer. I'm pretty sure a jury of your peers will exhonorate you.

Step 3:
Assuming you have enough memory, or you want to try to speed up your computer anyway, let's move on.

Close the window you were just using, and close the Control Panel too. Now wherever it was you had your MY COMPUTER icon, double-click on that. It should open a window in which all your devices are listed; this is known as Window Explorer, or just Explorer, not to be confused with Internet Explorer. Hard drives, CD/DVD/BD drives, USB drives, network drives, and so forth are listed here. You might not have all of these things, but you WILL have a C: drive as a hard drive and probably a D: drive as a CD/DVD/BD drive.

Click on the TOOLS menu and choose FOLDER OPTIONS. This will open the Folder Options window. If you don't see a TOOLS menu, tap the ALT key and it should show up.

Select the VIEW tab and you will see a long list of check boxes. Different OSes will show slightly different things, so pay attention to what I'm saying here.

Where it asks whether to Show Hidden Files and Folders, make sure you select to display them.

Where it asks to Hide Extensions for Known File Types, make sure you select to unhide them.

And where it asks to Hide Protected Operating System Files, make sure you select to unhide them.

Windows will probably throw up a confirmation for this third one; say YES. Later, when we're done, we're going to restore this last setting to its normal value. But for now, click OK to close the window.

Step 4:
It's possible that all of a sudden, you see a bunch of new files on your desktop. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

On your Explorer window (the one with all the drives listed), double-click on your C: drive. This will open it up and you'll see the contents. Now look for a folder called WINDOWS and double-click on it to go into it.

You probably see a ton of blue folders whose names start with dollar signs ($). Any file or folder which starts with a $ can be deleted. Select the whole mass, being sure you didn't select anything but them. Double-check that you selected only the files you want to get rid of. Now, hold down SHIFT and then press DEL. The computer will ask if you're sure you want to permanently delete them. Say YES! If the computer throws up any kind of prompt before it's done deleting them, choose whatever option continues to delete these useless files and folders.

Step 5:
Now find the TEMP folder within the WINDOWS folder and go into it. Chances are, you'll see a ton of files in there. All of them can go away, but be careful of a couple things.

First, you may have THOUSANDS of files in here, and it can be hard to delete that many files. If you don't already see a thing telling you how many objects are in this folder, click on the VIEW menu and select STATUS BAR. This will tell you how many files and folders are in this folder. Write this number down. If you have more than 1000 files in here, you'll want to delete them about 1000 at a time. The status bar will tell you how many you have selected. Trying to do more than this may take Windows an inordinately long time.

Second, there may be a few files in use, and they can't be deleted. Windows Seven and I think Vista allows you to skip these files when they come up, but XP will stop deleting, at which point you have to deselect the offending file (usually it's now at the top of the list) and continue deleting. This can happen several times and become annoying.

It can also happen that a file within a folder doesn't want to delete, and you will be confused because the OS will tell you it had a problem with a file which doesn't seem to be in the list. Simply deselect the top-most folder and resume deleting, then later go into that folder and delete as much as you can.

And third, sometimes Windows will try to panic you by saying that you're deleting important files, or otherwise ask for multiple confirmations. Ignore these deceptions and continue deleting. Nothing in this folder is worth keeping, though there may be a few files which won't delete.

Remember that when you're deleting these files and folders to hold down the SHIFT key as you press the DEL key. And keep in mind that folders likely contain lots of files; if Vista or Seven is taking forever just to count up the job, stop it and select fewer folders. Don't select more than 1000 items at a time for deletion or the task may take a lot longer. If you have a LOT of things to delete, you're just going to have to have some patience; several hours may be required to get rid of it all.

Step 6:
This next step is a little more complicated because the different versions of Windows have moved things around.

First, come back up to the C: drive. What you do next depends on your OS; read this carefully.

You're looking for a folder, which is named either DOCUMENTS AND SETTINGS or USERS. Double-click on that folder to go into it.

Inside this folder are the user accounts. Most computers will show folders for ALL USERS, DEFAULT USER, and ADMINISTRATOR. There should be other folders here which are named after your log-in name. Frex, I log in as JIM, and so there is a folder named JIM. If you log in as Jaycee Adams, you should see a folder named JAYCEE ADAMS. Double-click on that folder. If there isn't any such folder, then you're probably logging in under a renamed account. When you create an account, it makes a folder with that name. If you later change the name, that folder's name does NOT change. Most often it happens that your account is a renamed ADMINISTRATOR or OWNER or something like that. If you see OWNER, try that one, or if you see nothing else, use ADMINISTRATOR.

Hopefully that didn't confuse you, but if it did, send your hate-mail to Bill Gates.

Now it's going to get a little confusing again, depending on which OS you're using. You should see a folder named either LOCAL or LOCAL SETTINGS. Double-click on that. Within it will be another TEMP folder; double-click on it to go in.

Now, once again, all these files are garbage which can be deleted. Just as was done in Step 5, there may be a LOT of files in here, and Windows will try to confuse and scare you when you try to delete them. Just use the same techniques already outlined above and get rid of these files.

Step 7:
Feeling breathless yet? We're almost done.

Whip out your handy dandy stopwatch and get it ready.

Shutdown your computer, then when you turn it on, follow the procedure in Step 1 to time how long it takes to get your computer to a usable state. Write down how long it takes next to where you wrote it last time and compare the two. You should have been able to cut your booting time in half or less!

Congratulations!!

You're now a computer tech! You've just done something that many ACTUAL computer techs don't know to do, so pat yourself on the back.

Don't forget to go back and re-hide the hidden operating system files, as we discussed in Step 3, and flush your Internet Explorer cache and that should be it.

If this doesn't do it for you:
Try reloading your operating system. This should restore it to the condition it was in when you first got it. I recommend having someone who knows what they're doing perform this for you if you're unsure how to do it, or if you don't know how to back up your data.

What if your computer is old?
If your computer was built within the last 10 years, it should be powerful enough to handle most tasks short of big games and video manipulation. Computers older than about five years will be hard to find parts for if you need more memory or hard drive space, but those made more recently won't have problems.

Final notes:
When your computer gets unbearably slow, you have four choices: buy a new one, upgrade the old one, reload the OS, or clean the junk out of it.

• Buying a new one takes the least amount of effort on your part and gets you the latest and greatest, but requires the most money, and you still have to get your important data transferred to the new one. The latest and greatest isn't much better than it was 5 years ago, either.


• An upgrade is cheaper and won't require any messing with your files, but depending on the real problem, doesn't always work.


• Reloading the OS almost always restores your computer to its new condition... including not having all your important software and data on it. However, reinstalling all your software is going to take at least as much time as it would take to install it on a new computer.


• Cleaning the junk is by far the cheapest and probably fastest, but depending on the actual problem, might not fix anything, and often still requires a considerable amount of time.

There is no perfect solution. You CAN pre-emptively delete the junk files about once a year so at least that cause of slowdowns won't get in your way. Mark it on your calendar and do it.

That's all I've got for you today. See ya around, and don't forget to pledge your firstborn!

_______

More stuff you really wanna know:
Allah be Praised
Writing is Easy
Good Thing these People aren't in Charge of our Economy

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Getting Branded

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No, I'm not talking about getting the ol' Circle-J red hot and burning it into your hide so everyone knows you're my property, I'm talking about what you want people to think of when your name is mentioned.

When you hear the name Oprah Winfrey, certain things pop into your head. Same for Michael Jackson. Same for Xerox and KFC and Honda and Coca Cola. That's the power of a brand. What pops into people's heads when YOUR name is mentioned? What do people remember about you? What do you WANT them to remember about you? That's your brand. You can also think of it as your reputation. It's better to pick your reputation than to have it pick you. Here are some of the things people think of when my name is mentioned. (Depends on who it is and how they know me, too.)

"Jaycee is 'Bad'." There are a number of women I treat like girlfriends, in that I act like myself, tease them, make funny, sarcastic jokes around them, and occasionally give hugs to if I think they've earned it. These women all tell me I'm 'bad,' meant in an affectionate way. I get swats and gasps and even declarations that "you're so bad," all said with big, dopey grins on their faces and lilting laughs in their voices.

"Jaycee is Emotive and Descriptive." Anyone who has heard me read, or who has read one of my stories, can see that I'm very good at provoking emotions with my descriptions and with the way I read. My characters are alive in my head, and I give them voice. Primarily women think this because they're more in touch with their emotions, but I've had a few men say it too.

"Jaycee is Smart." Almost everyone who knows me tells me this. A few occasionally think I take it a little too far, and I occasionally DO take it too far. I don't mind; I've spent so long telling myself I'm an idiot, but now that I take more pride in my brain, I do get a little prideful. We all should once in a while, right?


"Jaycee takes Charge and is Reliable." I've always tried to be reliable. If I say I'm going to do something, chances are good it'll get done on time. Lately, I've also been taking charge more often, making decisions when others seem paralyzed by doubt. Better a wrong decision fast than a right decision never. Most people are seeing this, now that I'm doing it more.

"Jaycee is Generous." I give of myself. I do it now even more than I used to. It's fun! The women whom I've "known" will readily tell you this. It makes it a little easier to "know" more of them when word spreads. People who hang out with me are finding out my generosity extends to giving them useful ideas with which to build their businesses too.

"Jaycee knows Computers." I've even had the guts to make money at it. Now that I take myself more seriously, I'll do a lot better at it. I'm not a super-hacker, but I "get" the internet and computers in general, and I have no difficulty teaching it to others, even to complete beginners. Most of my friends and family come to me with computer problems because they know I'm generous, and they know I'll answer their questions in a way they'll understand.

"Jaycee is Healthy and Energetic." I can run a mile or walk five without difficulty. I'm rarely sick. I'm only about 20 pounds overweight. I drink lots of water and usually avoid sweets. I'm usually full of energy when everyone else is run down.

"Jaycee is good at Critiquing and Editing." Many of the writers I know want me to be a critiquer of their work, and my biggest fan loves to tell people I'm her personal editor. People respect my opinion quite a lot more than I'm used to, and I'm learning how to handle that responsibility. I take it seriously; people rest their writing reputations on me.

These are nice reputations, but they're not really brands, except possibly the second one, which will tell you what you'll get if you pick up one of my stories. What you need is something that's uniquely you, that identifies you. If you could choose what people are saying about you, what would it be?

"Jaycee wrote an 800 page novel." I used to use this as a brand - as a way for new people in the writers group to remember me - but I've decided to stop using it. Nothing wrong with being prolific, it just wasn't the image I wanted to project.

Let's go back to that other one I mentioned. "Jaycee is Emotive and Descriptive." If I were a writer of women's fiction or romance, that would be a treasured reputation! Because women are more sensative to and expressive of their emotions and their surroundings, they eat up anything they perceive to be emotive and descriptive. "Jaycee Adams" would evoke images of the fantastic voyages I've taken millions of readers on, and they would crave the next novel, perhaps pound on my door and demand I write the next one RIGHT NOW!!! I could likewise turn such a power to writing mysteries. Or I could channel it into a TV show or movie. (My biggest fan insists my book is actually a movie because she loves my characterizations.)

If all I wanted to be was a writer of romance novels and the like, that would be a good brand to promote and a good reputation to live up to, but I want something more than that. More than anything else, I want to be known for changing lives. The name Tony Robbins evokes that kind of imagery, and I want to do much the same thing he does. The name Tim Ferriss evokes other imagery which I'd like to emulate. Will I be the next one of those?

But what about you? What do you want to evoke? Start doing it, make it your reputation, and you will make it your brand.

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