Expose Yourself #4 – Mrs. Hart, in the Library, with the Lead Pipe

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In this series of articles, I talk to people who have been successful at taking control of their lives, making a name for themselves, and helping others to do the same. I’m very fortunate to have met them, and very thankful they have agreed to spend a few minutes talking with me to share part of their stories. We’re going to delve into what it took to propel these people from ordinary lives into extraordinary lives. We’ll find out where they’ve been, where they are, and where they’re going as each guest is asked to “Expose Yourself”.

Today’s guest came all the way from Iran to see me, where she worked for an international bank and as Director of Volunteers for the American Women’s Club. She has also lived in New York, where she ran a horse farm and an art gallery, among other amazing endeavors, and is where she met her husband of 30 years.

Her first interactive murder mystery, Murder in Morocco, was produced in 1995 at the Richfield Springs Regional Theater in New York. Over the next ten years she wrote interactive plays and educational/interactive children’s plays, which were performed by the theater company she founded, Murder Mysteries on Call, Inc. When she came to Florida, she renamed her company to Make Mine Murder. One of her plays, “Murder in Morocco,” was made into a musical, which garnered seven Outstanding Achievement awards by the New York State Theatre Association, for Original Script, Original Score, and Original Lyrics, plus set design, costumes, props, and hair/makeup.

Nowadays, far from resting on her laurels, you’re likely to find her at the Daytona Playhouse, where she often directs, acts in, and designs and builds sets. She’s also written several books. Somehow, with all that going on, she still finds time to run a chapter of the Florida Writer’s Association, where she helps aspiring writers perfect their craft. Please give a warm welcome to Veronica Hart!

JC: Hey there, Ronnie, you’re looking fabulous as ever!

VH: Thank you. It’s all the vitamins and magic potions I use.

JC: You don’t believe in the standard definition of “retired,” do you? You’re going to be 70 this year. Any plans to slow down and act your age?

VH: I am acting my age – it’s the others who think “retirement” means they have to stop living and watch television for the rest of their lives.

JC: That does sound like a better plan. So let me ask you; where are you in your life, or your career, or the pursuit of your goals?

VH: I am finally achieving some measure of success with my writing career and also feel very accomplished with directing plays and designing sets for theater. My first published novel, The Prince of Keegan Bay is coming out today as an e-book from Champagne Books. It will later be produced as a paperback. It’s about an infant Middle Eastern prince being hunted by assassins, and the group of quirky adult community residents who protect him.

VH: I’ve also just submitted my first completed young adult novel, Escape from Iran, to the ABNA (Amazon Breakout Novel Awards) competition, where it has so far made it past the first round of judging. Though I’ve had stories and articles published throughout the years, these two books represent what I really want to do: entertain people with my writing.

JC: That’s exciting news! When is the second round? What happens when you win?

VH: Second round winners are announced on March 22nd. Let’s not jinx it with any other response, you know; counting chickens and all that.

JC: Having seen you in action, I can’t help having high expectations. How did you get started writing?

VH: When I met my husband Bob on New Year’s Eve 1978, he asked me what I really wanted to do with my life. At the time I owned a small farm in Warwick, NY, with a rental cottage, boarded horses, and owned and operated an art store and gallery in the village. I told him I really wanted to write and he asked me, “Then why aren’t you?” I thought the answer was simple, “I have three daughters I have to support, besides working about fifteen hours a day.” But, he was right. With his encouragement, I enrolled in the Institute of Children’s Literature.

VH: After a few months of this mail order course, I sent in a short story to a religious magazine, preparing myself to learn how to accept rejection slips. Within a week, I received a check! I thought, “This is easy.” During this course, I began writing Escape from Iran. When it was finished, I sent it off, with the blessings of my instructor, to a major publisher. It was returned a couple of months later with a nicely written letter from the editor, explaining that my heroine was not likeable enough. I thought, “that’s the end of that,” and stuck it away in a drawer until last summer, when I pulled it out, had someone enter it into the computer for me, and then edited like crazy.

JC: I’m glad you realized he was right. How did you get where you are?

VH: The answer to that is persistence. During these past thirty years both Bob and I have conducted writing workshops, writing groups, and then when we lived in Cooperstown and ran a bed and breakfast, during the off seasons we had writers’ retreats. During all this time, I continued to learn and to write. I must have half a dozen not quite finished novels waiting for me.

JC: Only half a dozen? You can whip that out in no time. Where are you going next? What’s the next goal, the next step, the next whatever?

VH: We’d love to return to the south of Spain, possibly to live. We spent a month there several years ago and loved the climate, the people, the culture. And the prices. If that can’t happen, I guess I’ll just keep writing, directing, and hoping for a huge success with one of my books so we can then continue to travel – something we both love to do. If we can work it out, next spring it’s on to Russia! One of my books is set in Leningrad (modern day St. Petersburg) and there’s a great cruise going there right from Port Canaveral. I’d love to be on that ship.

JC: What are you doing to get there?

VH: You know, Jaycee, after spending the first thirty years of my life in a reactive mode, I finally took some control and began trying to plot things out for myself. That didn’t work any better. It’s so true that life is what happens while you’re busy making plans. I keep on writing, trying to improve myself, and hope to continue learning through teaching. We plot; we scheme; we strive; we eventually achieve.

JC: You’re definitely achieving a lot, Ronnie. Writing books and plays, running your own production company, seeing the world... Sounds like an exciting time to be alive! I can hardly wait to find out what you do next. Good luck with Prince of Keegan Bay, it sounds like a fun read.

VH: Thank you for this opportunity. Keegan Bay is a fun read, very tongue-in-cheek, but the focus of the story is just what I said earlier about “acting my age.” The group of seniors in the retirement community must use their wits and skills to protect the infant. The community comes alive, many abandoning their Bingo and card games, even including help from 91 year old, Howard, who loves his brandy but recalls some tricks from working with the French resistance during WWII. Next, there are two books at about sixty thousand words and I must kill one person in each book. Who shall it be? Tough choices.

Hey everyone, be sure to check out Veronica Hart's website and wish her luck on her competition.


CLICK HERE to get your very own copy of The Prince of Keegan Bay fresh off the digital presses.












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Further reading to astonish and amaze:
"Expose Yourself" Articles List
Crime Wave hits Palm Coast
Profiling: Is It Good or Bad?
Leyland French - 1995

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The Streetcar Rumbled along Bourbon Street

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The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street with a slight limp in its rolling gait, jammed with more passengers than it had any right or license to carry. Only the conductor cared of its plight, and he just barely, because he would get into trouble if that wobble turned into serious damage... or a turned ankle. Kept in service with the minimum of effort and financial outlay possible, the streetcar's aches and pains would continue to go unnoticed until disaster struck.

Brakes squealed the car to a halt. Rusty metal springs long past their design life sighed relief as people disembarked, then groaned with new strain as more replaced them. The overworked engine strained with palpable trepidation to get back to cruising speed, just barely above that of a walking toddler.

The sun took its time burning off the misty morning fog. The commuters were largely silent and solomn today, as if speaking were taboo. As if doing anything more than the absolute minimum required to get to work would trigger something... undesirable.

Rounding a sharp turn, the streetcar's brakes had their resolve tested. A black Ford SUV had pulled out in front of it and came to a halt. The two vehicles collided at the break-neck speed of five miles per hour. There were too many passengers standing for anyone to fall over. A few of the seated ones bumped their heads or strained their necks. Most were unharmed but shocked.

Two dark-suited men emerged from the damaged SUV and quickly approached the streetcar and barged into the front door. "Will everyone please get out of the car? Calm and orderly, get out of the car and move away from it, please."

Those who could, did.

"What's going on?" the conductor asked, worried. Others echoed him, but kept moving. "Who are you?"

"Please, everyone just stay calm. Exit and move away from the car," was his repetative answer. His partner rolled onto the ground and under the streetcar, then climbed under it. The crowd's murmurs paradoxically increased in intensity as their numbers thinned. He searched the bottom of the car, needing only a moment to find what he was looking for. "I found it!" was the last thing he ever said.

* * *

"Don't be monkeyin' around with that irrigation system, boy," Todd teased his nephew. "We need it if we're gonna eat."

"I just wanted to play with it, I won't hurt it," little Jonny protested.

Todd picked up the four year old and put him on his shoulders as they dove into the cornfield. Row upon row of stalks whisked past them under Todd's long strides. For a moment, there seemed to be nothing but peace between them, as if both were afraid to speak. But then, the cornfield came to an end, and beyond it was a pasture with a big tree and a treehouse.

"Your dad and I built this here treehouse when we were about your age," Todd told his charge. "We called it our citadel."

Presented like that, Jonny saw past the squalorous condition it was in and imagined himself fighting off a dragon which was trying to climb that tree to get him. Putting his nephew back on his own feet, Uncle Todd let Jonny climb to the top, where he perched like a deity, surveying over the whole pasture. Jonny laughed in delight at his daydreams. A dog loped toward them, barking at the ruckus.

"You can come here any time you like, Jonny. Your dad'll always be here with you, watchin' over you, and you can talk to him any time you want."

Jonny stopped and looked around. "I see him!" he proclaimed, and pointed at a fluffy cloud. Sure enough, that cloud resembled a person. Perhaps it really was his brother, murdered in the line of duty, whom he would soon seek to avenge, once his nephew was taken care of.

The dog barked more, this time at a delivery van heading up the long gravel driveway. "I see it, boy," Todd soothed the dog to silence, then called up to his nephew, "Hey, I'm goin' to see what we're gettin' in the mail. Could be somethin' special. You're welcome to come see if you want."

Jonny climbed down almost as quickly as he'd gotten up there, and Todd replaced him on his shoulders for their trip back through the cornfield.

* * *

The above is a composite of two seperate writing challenges. They seemed to go together fairly well.

The first challenge was to write a short story out of a beginning phrase, in this case, "The streetcar rumbled along Bourbon Street." Everyone else made that into a complete sentence and then went on from there, while I made it into a longer sentence.

The second challenge was to use as many of a selection of ten words as possible in a short story. The words I was given were: Digestive, ruckus, speak, irrigate, squalor, deity, monkey, delivery, citadel, and avenge. I couldn't find a way to use 'digestive' here without forcing it. Most of the other people thought of having difficulty digesting pizza, or they had monkeys in prominent roles.

In both cases, we had 15 minutes to write, so that's just enough time to write about a page, page and a half. I'm a bit slow, it seems. I did expand on the upper story to unite it with the second one a little more seamlessly. Only the first two paragraphs were written as part of the challenge, but what I added to link them is pretty much where I wanted to go with it with the foreshadowing of the decrepit nature of the car.

If you want to be a good writer, you've got to write. If you want to learn how to shorten your writing, you need to write short stories. So that's what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to make my full-sized books as gripping as these little nuggets.

I'll have more for you later, as I've done several of these challenges over the past few months. Let me know how you liked this one, maybe I'll explore it a little further for you.

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A Dry Feet Shower

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I'm not an especially hairy guy, but I've got some, and over the years I've lived here, I've managed to clog the sink and bathtub a few times. Good ol' Liquid Drano bails me out every time.

However, a couple months ago, when I had to do my annual Drano ritual, it didn't work. Neither sink nor tub would drain, meaning it took extra effort to clean my shavings out of the sink and I had to stand in water during my shower. The liquid form of Drano failed me, so I tried the gel. It had worked last couple times, but this time it too failed. I tried that new dual-Drano, you know, the foaming one that's supposed to be super-effective.

Didn't make a dent in it.

I didn't know what to do! I'd spent about $30 without result. With both drains clogged, surely I'd need to call a plumber to run a snake down there. I hemmed and hawed and thought about it for a while, doing my best to withstand the horrid tragedy of having to stand in water during a shower.

Finally, I broke down and asked my dad what I should do.

Next thing you know, he shows up with a bottle of some other brand of liquid drain cleaner. It looked like it was industrial strength. He poured some down each drain, and 15 minutes later ran water down, and sure enough, it drained! Yay!

Now my feet can stay dry in the shower and I can easily rinse out my sink after a shave. Now if I could just get this stupid low-flow toilet to flush properly all the time...

In other news, tomorrow at the Daytona Beach library, we've got a guest speaker, Vic DiGenti! Exciting times! Hurry on down, the meeting starts at 12:15, and we'll probably be going over to Stavro's about 2:30 or so for the after-party. Weather-permitting I'll be riding my motorcycle in celebration of my county-wide birthday party, which the locals affectionately call "Bike Week". People come from all over the country and all over the world to wish me a happy birthday. Get in on the action! Get me one of these for my birthday!


















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More articles which will interest or entertain you:
The 'Israelification' of airports: High security, little bother
Maps are freakin' awesome
How to Talk Like a Trucker

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Tim Ferriss - Four Hour Body, Four Hour Work Week

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Tim Ferriss, my new hero, has released his second book.

The first one, Four Hour Work Week was filled to the brim with fantastic, practical advice on how to get more out of your time, reduce your workload, and enjoy life. Unfortunately, even though millions of people have read it, only a sparse handful are mentally ready to accept its truths.

His new one, Four Hour Body, makes 4HWW into a jealous older brother. Want to lose 20 pounds in a month while eating all the junk food you want, and no exercise? Tim tells you how. Want to build 20 pounds of muscle in a month? Again, Tim's your man. Become a body builder, even? Tim Ferris has you covered.

You'd think with information like this, everyone would want to carry the book. However, Costco yanked them off the shelves. Why, you ask? Because the book also tells women how to achieve a 15-minute orgasm.

We don't want them doing that, do we? Nay! Women must never realize their capacity for unlimited enjoyment of sex! The horror! God help us if they were to start exposing their ankles!

Whether you want to drop fat, add muscle, learn how to enjoy sex, get better sleep, reverse injuries, or just run faster, if it has to do with improving your body in a simple and easy way, Tim Ferriss tells you what nobody else wants you to know, including straight talk about anabolic steroids and other drugs. (Hint: You can build muscle faster WITHOUT illegal drugs than you can WITH them.)

There's something in this book for everyone who wants to take their health seriously. It's important. And Costco doesn't think you're adult enough to handle it. (Which, unfortunately, is true for about 80% of the population.)

Some of the incredible, easy tips for weightloss which you can try out RIGHT NOW include:

1. Putting an icepack on the back of your neck and upper shoulders for half an hour when you're relaxing during the evening. Couch potato heaven!

2. Taking pictures of what you eat. You don't have to count calories, you don't have to stop eating it, you just have to take a moment to take a picture of it. For greater effectiveness, show the picture to other people.

3. Sprinkle some cinnamon in your coffee before you eat a meal. (No more than a teaspoon a day!)

4. Simply eating slower and drinking plenty of water as you eat. Scarfing down your food sabotages your weight loss attempts, as does inadequate water in your stomach for digestion.

5. Make a "cookie log". You don't have to stop eating them, just mark down on your calendar every time you eat a cookie, or whatever other bad-for-you thing you're trying to eat less of.

One guy lost weight by simply tracking his weight. That's right, every day he weighed himself and wrote it down and charted it. He didn't change anything about his diet, and over two years he lost about 25 pounds.

That's six tips right off the top of my head that ANYONE can do RIGHT NOW.

For dieting fans, Tim also has what he calls a "slow carb" diet. You try it out for a week, and then you get a cheat day when you can eat anything at all you want. You only have to have enough willpower to delay eating your favorite junk foods to that one day a week. Anyone can put junk food aside for a few days, knowing they'll be allowed to eat as much as they want later, right? And better still, it's important to your weight loss that you DO eat as much junk food on that one day as you can!

But that's just for starters.

Tim Ferriss takes a minimalist approach to the hassles of life; he's always looking to do the most with the least effort, and you'll find so much useful information in his books, you'll wonder why they aren't the size of an encyclopedia and why they don't teach this stuff in Kindergarten. Tim experiments constantly, and he has tons of connections to get things done. Tim gives you what no one else does because no one else has investigated as much as he has. No one else questions the "facts" so thoroughly, nor has the resources and determination to find out what the real facts are.

I've spent the last few days digesting the first parts of the book, which are about weight loss and muscle gain. I've been putting ice on the back of my neck each night and trying to get myself in the habit of eating slower. I already drink a lot of water. I haven't started tracking things, and I haven't gone on the diet yet, but I plan on doing so soon. Last year I managed to hold back on regaining the 50 pounds I lost the year before, but so far this year, I've been slowly losing my battle because I haven't been as active while it's so cold.

That's going to change, and real soon. And the Four Hour Body is going to help me.

A little bit of the information in Tim's book, particularly the muscle-gain ideas and some of the sex stuff, I already knew from other reserach and experimentation I'd done last year, so I'm pretty confident that the rest of the book is solid gold. Meanwhile, get your copy now and have the pride of knowing you have a banned book in your hands!

(Note: other than the pittance Amazon gives me when you buy something from them through one of these links, I have no ties to Tim Ferriss.)
















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More articles you'll find interestiong or entertaining:
New Year's Resolution Policy
You know you feel good when...
Nikie St. Giles - 2000

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I'm Totally in Love with this Lady

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I want to share with you my privilege of having known and loved a very special lady. She's full of life, vibrance, excitement, brilliance, and beauty. She's completely amazing in every way. Songs have been written about her. Men have studied her, wooed her, fought over her. Everyone wants to be a part of her story. Every day I'm in awe at having the honor to know her as intimately as I do. I want the whole world to be able to share in the joys I've known!

In her youth, she really came into her own. The whole world could see what she was capable of, the promise in her future, how much possibility lay before her. She made a difference to many lives then. And today - still a young lady - she continues to touch innumerable lives. Everyone who loves her is proud of her generosity and spirit.

Upon taking a glance at her history - the causes she has fought for, the ideals she symbolizes, and the charities she supports - even the half-educated can see her unlimited potential to change the world. She has, in fact, already done much to make the world a better place.

Recently, however, she seems to have lost her way.

She's made some poor decisions, forgotten some of her most important principles and ideals, and even begun neglecting the very people who made her great. The times have been hard on her too; she seems to have stopped believing in herself. Many of her friends and those she has helped have turned their backs on her or even turned against her. Her enemies are more determined than ever to embarrass her and strip her of her accomplishments. Some say she's lost her nobility, that she has committed wrongs for which she seems either unaware or unrepentant.

But even though I may become extremely frustrated with her actions and the way she sometimes treats me, I love her more than anything. I can forgive her misfortune, mistakes, and transgressions because I know she's trying to do the right thing. I know she can still make a difference. I know she still has a grand destiny, which God gave her. I believe in her.

All she needs is a little guidance. Someone to show her the way. Someone to stand up for her and say, "I will make a difference. I will show her the way. I will restore her honor, reclaim her future, for now and forever. I will do whatever it takes to make her the best she can be."

Do you know who Carl Schurz is? He's the one who said, "Our country, right or wrong! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be put right." Born in Germany, he immigrated to the United States, fought in the Civil War as a Union general, and eventually became the first German-born American to be elected Senator. He had some very high ideals, the kind which pretty much define what most people think of as patriotism. It's no wonder we've all heard the above quote and understand the sentiment behind it. It's a shame we don't learn in school anything about the man who coined it.

Too often, we look at ourselves and think we're not good enough to do anything. We think we can't make a difference. We think there's too much gone wrong. But that is exactly the mindset our slave-masters want us to be in. They want to keep sucking dry the Land of Opportunity until there really is nothing left here.

Will we let them, or will we say, "Enough is enough?" Will we just put our heads down and let her fade away into nothingness, her name and great deeds forgotten, or will we stand up and make a difference?

It is within us all to make a change, to choose to make a difference, and it's as simple as making a difference to the people around you. I used to think I couldn't make much of a difference. Sure, I helped someone now and then, but I didn't really feel like I'd changed lives. Eventually, however, I realized that I DO make a difference to everyone around me, all the time. We all do. Often, because we don't realize the effect we have, what we share isn't what we wish to be known for.

Whatever our attitude is, that's what other people absorb from us. If we're pessimistic, if we're sarcastic, if we're cynical, that affects the people around us in a negative way. It depresses them and makes the world a worse place. But once we're made aware of this effect we have on people, we can choose to stop focusing on the negative and realize that the world really IS a great place to be, that people really ARE basically good, and the future really IS bright. If we allow ourselves to see the good, we will see it. The world really is what we make of it.

Upon realizing how much effect I have on people, I chose to be a more positive person. Not only do I make it a habit to catch my cynicism and replace it with a more realistic, positive worldview, I also actively make an effort to bolster and inspire the people around me. I want them to know I believe in them, that they can be more than they've been fooled into thinking they are, that they can make a huge difference in the lives around them, whether they're a restaurateur, a famous Hollywood actor, or a world leader. I expect the best of them, and I'm rarely disappointed. You can do the same. Make a change within yourself and you'll make a change in everyone around you. The effect will spread, and before you know it, we'll have restored a great lady to her full potential.

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Mathematical Proof of God

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Hey everyone, I've been a little preoccupied with my fiction writing and other studies this past month, so I didn't get much done website-wise. I've also been monkeying around a little with Facebook, and I've got an article on the way about how evil it is. I'll probably continue to be rare for another month or so, and then I'll be back in the swing of things, with some new people I've asked to Expose Yourself, and even some additional writing staff, so you can get more points of view than just mine. Anyone who's got something they want to contribute to the 5 millionth-most popular website (out of approximately 255 million sites on the internet, so we're in the top 2%!), we are considering submissions.

Today I was made aware of a mathematical proof of God and I felt I needed to stop the whole world and share it with you. They were kind enough to make it very simple for regular people to understand, and they even made a Youtube video out of it.

At first, we're treated to some interesting symmetries within mathematics that you have to see to appreciate. No math skills are necessary to understand them. Then, they start doing what's called "alphabet code" to show you some interesting things about some common words and ideas about how to get ahead in the world.

So first, here's the video, and then I'll tell you what I think of it:


Mathematical Proof of God video

Okay, so they use alphabet code to "prove" the following:

HARDWORK = 98%
KNOWLEDGE = 96%
ATTITUDE = 100%
LOVEOFGOD = 101%

Everyone get that? If you didn't watch the video, you might not understand where these numbers are coming from. See the video and you'll understand how these values were arrived at with "mathematical certainty" to prove that the love of God is 101%.

Okay, so since we're all thinking people here, let's take a look at this critically.

The most popular comment so far is:

BULLSHIT = 103%

That got me thinking. Is bullshit really more than the love of God? Can't we just say

THELOVEOFGOD = 134%

and now God wins? But what if:

GODISNOTREAL = 139%

or

GODISNOTREALYOUDUMBASSONLYIAMREAL = 283%

We're using the same rules, aren't we? So this isn't the "mathematical certainty" we were promised, unless God really ISN'T real, since that's got a higher score. Can't have proof He doesn't exist when we're trying to prove He does, can we?

Let's look at something else.

1 + 2 = 3, true? However, 1 dog + 2 dogs does NOT equal 3 cats, true? Of course. We can't add together different units. It's basic math that we can't add bare numbers together and arrive at a percent, so there's no mathematical certainty here either.

If we want percentages as our answer, we have to add percentages together. However, if you've ever been to a double-discount sale and saw a 70% off sticker, and the cashier takes an additional 30% off, you still had to whip out your checkbook and write a check, didn't you? Let me explain that a little better so you understand why it's important.

Say there's a double-discount sale going on at Sears. They're clearing the whole store so they can clean the floors. You're looking at a $100 dress. (Or, if you're a guy you're looking at a $100 Craftsman toolset.) They're marking things down big time. 70% off everything, with an extra 30% off at the cashier.

70 + 30 = 100, right? However,

70% off + 30% off is NOT 100% off. It's actually 79% off. You're still going to pay $21 for that dress (or toolset). It's not free.

However, the example I gave is for a DISCOUNT. There's a difference between adding PERCENTAGES and adding DISCOUNTS, but it was the easiest way to demonstrate that not all math is simple addition. I'm not going to explain how to add percentages, just believe me when I tell you that this supposed "mathematical proof" of God is looking more and more like the work of a charlatan than of a true believer.

You cannot prove or disprove an all-powerful being like God. Only He can do that because God has the power to define reality and exist outside of it. This is not unlike the ability for an author to create an entire universe and exist outside of it; the characters in his story cannot possibly reach him or understand him. Attempts to usurp a power only God possesses is a fool's errand at best, and arrogant blasphemy at worst. If God felt we needed indisputable proof He exists, He would provide it. People who try to 'prove' God with such easily dismissed 'proofs' come off as con men seeking to part fools and their money. This damages the credibility of those who are seeking to share the Good Word. We don't force our neighbors to convert, we don't attack disbelievers, and we definitely don't hoodwink those we wish to convert. Honesty is the ONLY policy.

There's a reason "Jesus freaks" are giving Christianity a bad name. A few more friends like those and we won't need our enemies any more. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car, and flapping your lips doesn't mean you're saying anything worth hearing. How about instead of shooting ourselves in the foot with ridiculous "proofs" of God and resisting every bit of science, from the world being round to the Theory of Evolution, that we instead embrace the gifts of intelligence and critical thinking God gave us?

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More articles you'll find ridiculous or obnoxious, yet oddly gripping:
Beatdowns Inc.
Stony King - 2009
Space Links

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Bagel Dogs!!!!!!

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O frabjous day! My life is nearing completion thanks in part to my newest sweetheart, Lisa Bang. Embarrassingly cute and unimaginably smart, Lisa came to my rescue when woe had struck me low. For two decades, my life has been missing something incredibly important, something no one should be without. (Unless they're so unimaginative and unadventurous as to put down or just plain not like my second-favorite Hebrew invention; kiss my grits, Natalie!)

Sam's Club used to carry them by the bagful and we'd get two or three bags a month. They were amazing to behold. Simply pop one in the microwave after coming home from a rough day at school, dip 'em in ketchup, and all was suddenly right with the world.

I am of course talking about the wonder that is the bagel dog. Yes, the modest, unassuming bagel dog.

For reasons inexplicable to me, Sam's Club stopped selling bagel dogs around 20 years ago, though for a little while they still continued to sell the not-nearly-so-enjoyable mini bagle dog. (Insert :shudder: emoticon here.) Like the Amiga, original Frosted Mini Wheats, Top Shelf lasagna, Black Pepperjack Doritos, $5 seafood buffets at the casinos, Lemon-Lime Slice, Lacey Chabert, and reasonable prices at Arby's, as soon as I found them and fell in love with them, they disappeared without a trace and were never heard from again.

It's rough, seeing so much splendacularity simply disappear. Were I a completely insecure and paranoid son of an apple pie (like someone whose initials might be GTA), I might think I was the cause of the disappearances. But like what happens when Chuck Norris and Mr. T enter a building, perhaps that much awesomeness simply can't be contained. At the time, it was them or me, and MY awesomeness won out.

But now, at least one of these great things is fighting its way out of obscurity to make a comeback. Because my awesomeness is now an inclusive type of aura and it can be added to by other awesome things, I demanded of God to bestow upon me the knowledge of how to get a bagel dog, and lo and behold, God smacked me upside the head and said, "You don't make demands of me."

But then He showed mercy and sent an angel named Lisa Bang to point out to me that Einstein Brothers Bagel Shop sold bagel dogs. And making it better was that there were TWO of them here in the Daytona Beach area. So today, I packed up my gear and hiked on out to Ormond Beach, taking one of my many lady-friends with me on this wondrous odyssey of discovery.

It was glorious; glorious, I tell you!

And now, I owe Lisa a bagel dog, to be paid the next time we meet. Which won't be tomorrow because she's got to do Polycast episode 110 live tomorrow, and I'm going to be at a writer's meeting, and then entertain another of my lady-friends. Dan invited me to do a taping, and yes, I was excited to be able to thank Lisa in person (over Skype), but alas, it will have to wait.

You know, in the above list of my favorite things which can no longer be found, as each one of them disappeared quietly into the night, I mourned its passing, and then moved on. I've actually forgotten several of the items that should have made it on that list. But then one too many of those things began to disappear, and I couldn't take it any more. I had to do something. I had to find a way to save that one last great thing. I had to find a way to make it big again, to get everyone talking about it.

I tried, folks, I really tried, but nothing I did resulted in anything but further misery for all concerned. I simply didn't know how to reach the people responsible for that item on my list and inspire them to continue the valiant struggle to make me and the rest of the world happy with it.

But you know what? If bagel dogs are back from the brink of extinction, maybe with a little enthusiasm and the application of my inconsiderable power and influence with all of creation, I'll be able to arrange things so that they can once again be bought in the grocery store. And when we're all again eating bagel dogs morning, noon, and night, then maybe I'll figure out how to save another item on that list. And then another, and another, until one day, they've all been revived! They will be in everyone's homes or on everyone's minds, bringing peace and love and joy to the world once more!

What about you? What (or who) do you want to see making a comeback? Tell us in the comments below. And again, thank you, Lisa, for telling me where bagel dogs have been hiding half my life!

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More articles you'll find splendacular or stupendous:

The Problem of Emotional Investment

Breaking personal records is fun!

Joan Jett - 1999

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Do Bald Men Have More Sex Drive?

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A friend of mine who is, for some reason, self-conscious about his baldness, sent me this link, which I think is kinda interesting, especially since I've been short on hair for quite some time. My solution has been to cut it really short - even shorter than I kept it in the Navy. That way, I look a little more like Jason Statham and a little less like William Conrad.

Of course, I'm wondering what exactly "more sex drive" is supposed to mean in real-world terms. Should I be banging everything that moves? Eight or more times a day? Maybe I should give that a try. I'm sure that's what Bruce Willis does.

And if you're self-conscious about your looks, whether you're a guy or a gal, whether you're bald or hairy, whether you're thin or fat, I've got some advice you might want to take:

HA HA!

Nelson Muntz to the rescue!

Sure, I'm self-conscious about a lot of stupid things too. And I've been told that one of the best ways to get over it is to immerse yourself in derogatory comments until you realize that nothing being said has any bearing on you.

I don't mean beating yourself up. That's how a lot of us get into our situation in the first place. Rather, let people say what they want, and encourage them to be as nasty as they possibly can. Egg them on. Make a game out of it. And when they stop to take a breath, just politely use a line I was taught in the Navy when we got a beatdown: "Thank you sir, may I have another?" Or the ever-popular, "Is that the best you can do?" Or my personal favorite, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatver you say bounces off me and sticks on you." Especially when said in a nasal, bratty voice.

There isn't much that a little light-hearted sarcasm can't cure. (Note: If it's not making you giggle delightedly with how clever you are, it's probably not light-hearted.) If you learn to make fun of your insecurities, guess what? They go away! If someone can't insult you, no matter how hard they try, guess what? You're not self-conscious any more! I'm sure you can recall putting this in action when you were younger and less insecure. Someone called you a name you didn't like and you got mad, which only made them do it more, until finally you embraced it and it stopped bothering you, at which point they stopped calling you that. (For me it was "Lurch", the super-tall, super-prompt butler on the original Addams Family TV show.)

True, some people don't have the guts to face their fears, and some choose to take all insults personally, as if they really did have some bearing on their life, but that doesn't describe you, does it? You're more mature than that, right? People can call you bald and fat and big nose and say you're a lousy dancer and call you Lurch, but why should you care?

You shouldn't. And you shouldn't let any of those things stop you from having a good time and being yourself.
















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Further reading which has permission to change your life:
My high-scores are Better than Yours
Hey baby, what's your sign? (Updated!)
To Your Health - Part 1

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Crime Wave hits Palm Coast

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Back in October, as part of his "Small Town News" segment on The Late Show, David Letterman showed an article from a Palm Coast paper about a crime report. It was the kind of thing that occasionally shows up on Jay Leno's weekly "Headlines" segment. It seems that someone stole a can of pop and a pair of AA batteries, forgoing an expensive GPS system. Dave turned out to be a good guesser, figuring out that the city was close to St. Augustine. (Note to Dave: It's slightly closer to Daytona Beach.)

Today, Palm Coast is putting together a video to send to my fellow Hoosier daddy to show him where the city is and what it's like there. They're doing it at the First Annual Palm Coast Joy Ride, which is going on right now, and which will appear on an episode of the JAG BMX reality TV show.

I suspect that, upon receiving this video, Dave will pay the town a visit, perhaps even tape a show there. So let me be the first to welcome you, David Letterman!

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Other articles you'll find interesting or entertaining:
How to Make More Money
Profiling: Is It Good or Bad?
Leyland French - 1995

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New Year's Resolution Policy

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In conjunction with our Happy New Year Philosophy, there is also a New Year's Resolution Policy, which is to be implemented immediately.

Heretofore, when you wish to make a resolution to do something, and you want to wait for some landmark event to start it (end of the year, end of the pack of cigarettes, end of the piece of cake you're eating, etc), I hereby declare that the landmark event is NOW, and you may begin acting in accordance to your new resolution.

Surely you're not the only person who has wanted to make some sort of change in their life, and then decided to wait until something happened to make the change, right? Several people I know who CLAIM to want to stop smoking have this particular habit: they say, "I'm going to stop smoking. This is my last pack." Because, you know, they don't want to waste the $2-worth of cigarettes left in the pack because that's SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than avoiding the hospital bill for emphysema, nevermind the cost to your personal honor when that moment comes and you engage your habit to go get some more, thereby breaking your word.

We're people of our word, aren't we?

So how can we quit smoking, quit eating junk food, quit wussing out of whatever change we're wanting to make in ourselves? I'll tell you.

It's called "Immediate Action". When you decide you're going to do something, IMMEDIATELY take a step toward accomplishing it. Put out the cigarette NOW, put the pack in the garbage NOW, get rid of the ash trays NOW, look up cures for smoking NOW.

Because if you wait for the pack to run out, you have a program running in your head that tells you, "I'm out of cigarettes, I have to go get more." This is one time when "finish what you started" is a bad idea. You wouldn't drink an entire gallon of sewage just because you started to drink one, would you? The only way to break a habit is to take immediate action against it, so that every time you catch yourself engaging in the bad habit, you get into the GOOD habit of stopping and doing something else.

My dad quit smoking almost 30 years ago. He quit cold turkey. He didn't make any lame excuses about how hard it was to quit, or complain that they laced cigarettes with addictive substances. He just decided he wasn't going to smoke any more because he wanted to be healthier, he wanted to smell better, and he wanted to be around when his grandkids started showing up. Did he have powerful cravings? Sure. Did other people around him continue to smoke? Yup. Does he still get the occasional craving? Uh-huh. Did he wait until the end of the pack? Nope.

When he felt the urge to smoke, he had some very powerful tools at his disposal, which he used properly. Most people don't use these tools, or if they do, they use them improperly.

First, he reminded himself of the anguish he'd gone through in the first few days of quitting, and told himself that if he started smoking again, he'd just have to go through that hell again. Second, he knew that the urge to smoke would pass, and continued to tell himself that it would. Third, he did other things to get his mind off his urge! Fourth, he knew that he had a choice. He didn't forbid himself to smoke, instead he CHOSE to smoke LATER. Fifth, he's a man of his word. He'd made a promise that he was going to quit, and going back on that promise would mean he was untrustworthy. All we have is our reputation. And sixth, he felt cigarettes were getting too expensive for what they did anyway. Unfortunately, he only had a few cheerleaders on his side (myself included), but he managed to beat the nicotine monkey anyway.

When you've got a tough, ingrained habit, you have to catch yourself, stop doing it immediately, and immediately do something else. Don't wait to finish the pack, just quit now. Otherwise, you'll be just another loser who continually promises to do things and never carries them through. You don't want to be one of those, do you?
















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Other articles you'll find interesting or fun:
You are What you Consume
Site Metrics Unveiled
Maps are freakin' awesome

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