Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My Travels - Florida

"I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere!" - Johnny Cash

Not literally - at least, not yet - but as of this writing, I've been to 42 US states, 2 US territories, 11 countries, 4 continents, 2 oceans, and 7 seas. I'm going to take you to some of the places I've been, in no particular order. Sometimes this will be a place I just was, and sometimes it's a place I haven't been to in a while.

Next up: Florida. (Big surprise, huh?)

“Florida knows how to handle hurricanes because it’s filled with Floridians.” - Governor Jeb Bush, 2004, after 5 hurricanes hit the state in rapid succession.

Florida. It sounds beautiful without you even having been there or known what it was named for, doesn’t it? But you know Florida is jam-packed with things to see and do, and that’s why I love it so much. I've been to almost every part of the state without the accompaniment of my truck.

When we were little, my dad took us down there to see my grandparents every year, and we usually went to one or two theme parks and deep-sea fishing and other stuff. Our total round trip was typically over 3000 miles over the course of 2 weeks. It was a lot of fun, the kind he now gets to share with his grandkids and other friends and family who come see him now and then.

It wasn’t until I moved to Florida in 2004 that I got to experience a hurricane, and then I got to experience THREE hurricanes in that first month, and even saw one come back for a second try. I've since been in a couple more, including the eye of a very slow-moving one; it was like a normal day inside!

I like Florida so much, I made scenarios in two different railroad games that feature the state. One is for a little game called “Rails”, based on the “Empire Builder” boardgame (I have a post in the forum dedicated to the game too), and the other was for Railroad Tycoon 2 Platinum, but I haven’t released it to the general public yet (I will eventually).

Everglades National Park: (Official link, Wiki, Other Site of Interest)
There are no other Everglades in the world. They are, they have always been, one of the unique regions of the earth; remote, never wholly known. Nothing anywhere else is like them... ” - Marjory Stoneman Douglas

Miss Marjorie, the world-renowned Grand Dame of the Everglades, is totally right. Nowhere else in the world is there anything like the Everglades. Nowhere else in the world do salt-water and fresh-water crocodiles mingle. Nowhere else is there a river a hundred miles wide, a hundred miles long, and only a couple inches deep. It’s unique, and it’s disappearing. Development consumed a considerable amount of the Everglades, but in 1947 the US government set aside most of what remained as a protected preserve. There’s still a considerable amount of it to see, and it’s not at all like a Louisiana swamp.

I went down there in August of 2006 with my dad as sort of a birthday present for him. There are plenty of places you can ride an airboat through the slough. A slough is a wide, shallow river which is chock full of reeds and weeds and other grasses and a few open spots of water. Our ride included a stop to a small island in the middle of the slough where Indians had made a hideout long ago. There was a guy was playing with a gator and a small, abandoned village.

We also drove along one of the alleys and encountered three gators sunning themselves on the road. It’s funny; as a truck driver, I see a lot of thrown treads on the road, and these are referred to as gators, so when we saw the first one, our minds dismissed it as nothing, until it ran off and jumped back into the swamp. The same thing happened to the second one; we just didn’t see it. But the third time, we saw it, and tried to creep up on it, but it must’ve been nervous, because it ran off well before we got close enough for a good picture.
Along the southwest edge you have a lot of little islands, and we arrived in time to take a boat tour of the coastal area. We got to see some dolphins — almost got close enough to touch them! — and learn a little bit about the ecology of that area and how it’s different from the rest of the ‘glades.

We spent the whole day there, taking a couple tours, the airboat ride, and the regular boat ride, and there were a few things we didn’t get to do, but it was interesting, peaceful, and we had a good day. Dad even got to buy his Federal Park Pass, which entitles him to enter any federal park for free! (Next stop: Yellowstone!)
  
 The Florida Keys and Key West: (Official Site, Wikipedia, Other Site of Interest)

“Helping others is like helping yourself.” - Henry Flagler

In 1912, a year before his death, Henry Flagler, Florida’s greatest railroad tycoon and already plenty rich from his Standard Oil days, completed the Overseas Railroad, which linked Key West, a city of 30,000, to the mainland by rail. Having already built a rail line all the way along the Atlantic coast, from Jacksonville to Miami, complete with some of the grandest hotels ever built, this linked Key West to the rest of the nation! Unfortunately, in 1935 a hurricane destroyed some of the bridges. Later, the US bought the remaining bridges and constructed what is now US1 using much of what Flagler had built. You can still see a few of the old rail bridges where they weren’t reused.

The trip to Key West is interesting. You’re island-hopping without an airplane or Douglas MacArthur, and you’re not going to meet the Imperial Japanese Navy anywhere along the way either. Many of the keys have some signs of civilization, or some parks you can park in. You can camp out about 30-50 miles east of Key West, or you can continue on and pay for an expensive motel room; your choice. If I recall correctly, you can camp out at Bahia Honda, which is about 30 miles from Key West.

In the city of Islamorada, on the north end of Upper Matecumbe Key, there is a seafood buffet restaurant called the Whale Harbor. I’ve been to a few such restaurants, including the good ones in Norfolk, Virginia, that I enjoyed visiting while stationed there, and this one was at least as good; it ought to be, considering where it is!

Key West itself is a quiet little historical tourist town, reminiscent of some quieter place, like Fowler, Indiana, but with coastline and everything that comes along with that. There is a LOT to see and do there; you could spend a whole week, I’m sure. We only spent 3 days.

There are a lot of interesting things about Key West. It was one of the richest cities in the whole country, thanks to the coral reef; the only living one in the whole continental United States. No, not because of tourism, but because ships ran aground on it frequently, and the wreckers would go out and rescue people and salvage their cargo for themselves. The southern-most point of the continental United States is also on the Key, there are glass-bottom boat tours of the coral reef, there’s a lighthouse you can go to the top of, and Hemingway used to live on the island. And that’s just the stuff I got to see in the one day I spent there!

Ft. Lauderdale: (Official Site, Wikipedia, Other Site of Interest)

My first visit here was in 1998 as part of the Air and Sea Show. Bataan sailed down to participate. During the show, we sat off the coast and watched the airplanes, and later we pulled in and gave tours of the ship. I would’ve expected we’d have helicopter or Harrier operations, but we didn’t. They won’t let people be on the flight deck during air operations, but it’s neat to see if you can. Those of us not on tour duty were allowed to go ashore and see the town. It’s not too much different from most of the other coastal Spring Break Vacation spots, like Daytona Beach and Panama City; there’s a strip with a ton of shops, and then there’s the rest of the city, which I didn’t get to see.

The next year, we came back and did it again! That time, several members of my family were able to come down and experience it with me, including going out into the ocean on our boat! An experience few civilians will ever forget.

Unfortunately, because it’s been so long since I’ve been there, I don’t remember a whole lot about the place. We went to a couple tourist spots, we went to the beach, and we just relaxed.
Kennedy Space Center (Official Site, Wikipedia, Other Site of Interest, Other Site of Interest)
“Be an optimist — at least, until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.” - Unknown

I’ve been a space-junkie pretty much all my life. There is no planetarium I won’t go to if I can, nor any space center. I know all the names of all the shuttles and I used to know all the important statistics about them. I used to know several of the astronauts’ names, I have met the parents of one of them, and I would probably faint if I ever met Buzz Aldrin. I used to draw the space shuttle often, and had several space shuttle toys and models. I've even got a whole series of articles on this site devoted to space. So going to the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral is a big thrill for me every time I go.

They built it in a swamp in order to create a national nature preserve around the area, and they have some rare and endangered birds that live there.

You can get tours of the place, even to the launch pads (as long as there’s nothing on the pad) and they have several pads there. On their 50-some pads, they launch “normal” rockets, plus they also launch the Space Shuttles from two of the pads there. A few years back, they built a landing runway to save on costs associated with transporting the shuttle back from Edwards Air Force Base. The crawlers they use to move the shuttles from the Assembly Building to the launch pads are enormous!

If you go on a day when there’s a launch, you’ll be in for a crowd, but you’ll also be in for a treat. A rocket launch, and especially a shuttle launch, is a sight to see! There are only a few more shuttle launches scheduled, and then the program is going to be decommissioned while they build the next generation of launch vehicles, so if you want to see one, you’d better plan for it right now and get down there.

There are several tours you can take while you’re there, and it feels only a little like an amusement park. The tour that I’ve been on takes you to a close observation post about a mile or so from the launch pads, and one time, we got to get there about half an hour after the crawler had passed by (they delayed the tours until it got past), and it was carrying a space shuttle! So I’ve gotten pretty close to the Atlantis, within about half a mile of it, and watched over the next hour or so as they took it up to the pad and started securing it to the launch tower.
Orlando area: (Official Site, Wikipedia, Other Site of Interest)
It wouldn’t be hard to spend a whole month in the vicinity of Orlando and not do the same thing twice — except resting after several days of activity. There are a ton of major and minor amusement parks, the dinner-show has really taken off and there are about a dozen different ones here, and there are plenty of trinket shops too!


 
A few of the major theme parks:

Disney World-
             Magic Kingdom
             Epcot Center
             Animal Kingdom
             Hollywood Studios
             Typhoon Lagoon
             Blizzard Beach
Universal Studios-
             Universal Studios
             Islands of Adventure
             Wet ‘n’ Wild
Sea World
Busch Gardens

A few of the Dinner Shows (I haven’t been to them all yet, and they come and go)-
             Arabian Nights
             Pirate Dinner Adventure
             Medieval Times
             Wonder Works Magic
             Sleuths Mystery
             Al Capone’s
             Polynesian Luau
             Outta Control

My first experience with a Dinner Theater was in Spain, of all places. We pulled into Tarragona, which isn’t very far from Barcelona, and one of the tours was a trip to Madrid to go to a Medieval Nights show. Very interesting! There were people from all over the world there, not just us, and they were kind enough to do most of the show in English for us, since we made up the majority of the audience. Then we got to experience some Spanish dancing afterward, which is a show all in itself. Since then, I’ve been to a few others, but they don’t seem to have the after-show like they did in Madrid. Nonetheless, it’s an interesting experience!

Even if you don’t enjoy expensive theme parks, there’s still plenty of things to see and do in Orlando. There’s golf, there’s several sports teams, there’s a butt-ton of shopping, and there’s a Mongolian barbeque! There’s plenty of seafood and other good restaurants too. There’s also plenty of condos and hotels in the area.

I could go on and on about Florida, but I think I've told you quite enough to get your interest. I may in the future devote one of these articles to a particular place; the Everglades practically begs for it! So until next time, enjoy your summer!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Nikie St. Giles - 2000

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Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me! 

I had no idea who Nikie St. Giles was when I met her, all I knew was that from the moment she walked up the ramp and onto my ship's quarterdeck, I was interested in her. A friend snapped a picture of us. As far as I know, I'm the only person who got a live picture with her that day because our XO wasn't very nice to her and made her leave.


Not long after winning her 1999 Penthouse Pet of the Year crown, Nikie St. Giles visited the Bataan while it was ported in New York City for Navy Day. I happened to be on duty on the quarterdeck when she and her small entourage came aboard. I didn’t really know who she was, but she seemed very nice, and was easily the prettiest girl I’d seen all day, and since I'm easily the nicest person she'd met all day, we got along well. As far as I know, I was the only person she took a picture with, because the mean old XO acted like a complete jerk, as if she thought Nikie was going to strip for the crew or something. Nope, she'd just volunteered to the USO, and they asked her to come aboard and sign some autographs.

I got to take her on a 5 minute tour of the ship, and then the XO made her leave. She did eventually get to come back and sign a few autographs and hand out a few (clothed) pictures of herself, but by the time she was allowed back on board, I had already picked up a visiting family and gave them the $200 tour for free. (It lasted about 2 hours, took them through most of the ship, and ended with lunch in the mess decks. Other people who got tours from other sailors only got to spend about 20 minutes and didn’t get a free Navy lunch.)

All I knew about her was that she was pretty and shy, but not overwhelmingly so. I didn’t even learn her full name or why she was there until a few hours later. That ten minutes we spent were fun; she was very alert and curious about the things I showed her, and cracked a couple nervous jokes, and laughed at mine. I wish I’d realized at the time she was into me! I’m sorry I didn’t get to take you all over the boat, Nikie; I know a girl as bright as you are would’ve appreciated it fully.

A few days later I learned she'd liked me enough to leave her number with one of my friends!

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Christy Brinkley, Terry Bradshaw, and many more - 1999

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Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me!


Back in 1999, a few days before Christmas, Defense Secretary William Cohen put together his third annual USO tour and filled it to the brim with stars, who put on several shows for those who were on duty in southern Europe. The biggest names among them were Christy Brinkley and Terry Bradshaw, but there were a lot of them. I was aboard the Bataan for one of those shows and got to meet several of the people involved.

Check out these names:

  • Bill Cohen (Defense Secretary)
  • Terry Bradshaw
  • Christie Brinkley
  • Mike Singletary
  • Wesley Clark (Supreme Allied Commander, Europe (SACEUR), 4-star General, and presidential candidate in 2004)
  • Downtown Julie Brown (MTV VJ)
  • Ruth Pointer (of the Pointer Sisters)
  • Al Franken (political comedian)
  • Shane Minor (Country singer)
  • John Paul Dejoria (aka Paul Mitchell, richest hair stylist in the world)
  • Mary Chapin Carpenter (singer)
  • Steve Burton (General Hospital actor)
  • Marco Etcheverry (Major Soccer League MVP 1998)
  • 6 Dallas Cowgirls, one of whom was Sara Shahi (now in the TV show Fairly Legal)

The sound is a bit wonky, and you can’t hear the audience applause for the first part of the show.
Most of the video is from Aviano Airbase, but there are clips from the Bataan. At time 50:25, you see Bradshaw pointing, then it cuts to some cheerleaders dancing, and to the left of them is my “bro”, DS2 Marc Sigmon!


I've got a couple hundred pics, none of which were taken by me, and here's a handful. I think these show everyone, in various states of their appearance. When I get famous (scheduled for next year) I think I'm going to do this too. I'd like to thank those of you who showed up and cheered us up during the holidays while we were thousands of miles away from home. I don't know if you'll ever know how much it meant to us.


 
 

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Travels - Indiana

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"I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere!" - Johnny Cash

Not literally - at least, not yet - but as of this writing, I've been to 42 US states, 2 US territories, 11 countries, 4 continents, 2 oceans, and 7 seas. I'm going to take you to some of the places I've been, in no particular order. Sometimes this will be a place I just was, and sometimes it's a place I haven't been to in a while.

First up: Indiana.


"Indiana wants me" - R. Dean Taylor

I was born in Lake County, Indiana, and did the bulk of my growing up there and in Benton County, which is about 60 miles to the south. I remember at the time, they called Benton County the soybean capital of the world, though why, I couldn't tell you, because all I ever saw were cornfields. I also remember hearing that Gary was the murder capital, though I'm not sure if that was of the country or the world.

Indiana is mostly flat and filled with cornfields, though close to Lake Michigan there are some hills left behind by an ancient glacier and down by the Ohio River there are a few more hills that the river made, and even the Wabash has some places where it's carved into rock.

Lake County, being a suburb of Chicago, has a lot of people in it, but it still also has plenty of farms. Most people have heard of Gary, not least of all because of that song. It's a modest-sized city, but pretty-well run-down thanks to the influx of bad elements. (Sorry, my mystique wasn't powerful enough back then to prevent it.) Merrillville was still a pretty nice town back then, but I hear nowadays it's about what Gary was when I grew up there. (Seeing as I've been away for 5 years now, I can't do anything about that right this minute either.)

Benton County is on the sparse side, with a few little towns here and there, much like most of Indiana. There are rolling hills, a few patches of forests, and some streams meandering about, but it's mostly wide open and criss-crossed with county roads and a couple highways. Not a bad place to grow up, but I don't really miss it that much. I remember a navy recruiter came to the county high school one year, and was talking about how an aircraft carrier carried about 6000 people, and said, "That's probably bigger than most of the towns around here." He was corrected by one of my classmates, who said, "That's bigger than ALL the towns around here!"

I'd say about half of my closest family still lives in Indiana, and now that I get to travel for free, I still get to see them once in a while.

Here are a few things to see in Indiana. Some I've been to and enjoy, some I haven't and probably would.

Deep River County Park: (official link, map, wiki)

I liked coming here when I was little, but only did it a few times. There are a few trails through a small forest, and the creek has a few places where you can go up to it. This seems to me like it would be a good place for a paintball excursion. When I got out of highschool, I rediscovered the park and sorted through all the deja vu moments.

In addition to the nature trails, there are a few displays set up, including the old mill, a baseball park, and a playground and picnicking area.

Indiana Beach: (official link, map, wiki)

You might think by the name that this amusement park is located up on the Lake Michigan shoreline, but you'd be mistaken. No, it's on a lake called Lake Shaffer, and it and nearby Lake Freeman are a camping resort, or at least they were when I was there about 25 or so years ago. I've seen ads for Indiana Beach this year even, so it's still in business. I remember the one time I got to go, it was a good time.

That weekend, we got a cabin on Lake Freeman and swam in the lake, waving at the boaters as they went by, then went to the park the next day and rode the rides. I remember it feeling a lot like a state fair, but bigger and better.

Indiana Dunes: (official link, map, wiki)

Okay, here's your Indiana Lakeshore park. The Dunes has a lot of walking trails, many over sandy hills, so they'll really stretch out your walking time. On days when the water's not too polluted, there's a beach you can swim at, from which you can see the Chicago skyline very easily, and you also get a good view of the steel mills. But people usually come for the camping and the nature trails. Many years ago, one of my aunts was a ranger here, and she got to know the whole park like the back of her hand, and still does.

Indiana pizza

I grew up with some damn-fine pizza places in Indiana. I've searched the whole world and not found better pizza. The secret? I think it's the crumbled sausage. Lemme tell you about a few I remember best.

Pizza King is a chain of restaurants all over Indiana. There appear to be two separately owned chains, and I'm not sure what the deal is with that and trademark law. (Here's one, here's the other. You decide which is the original.)

That first one there is the type I grew up with, and some of them seem to have a train that brings your drinks and even your food to you, though this could vary by restaurant. The one I grew up with had no such train.

I think what makes it so good, other than the secret family recipe and the crumbled sausage is that they bring the pizza all the way to the edge - there's no edge crust like most pizza places. They also cut the pizza into squares, so you get several different sizes of slices, including little corners, and kids just love to try to be the ones to eat them. It's fun to eat it and it tastes great!


Oh, and one more thing about Pizza King: they have the best strombolis. I haven't found better anywhere! Most places I've been to consider a stromboli to be a calzone without the nasty feta cheese, or in some cases they consider them to be like a pizza wrap (Sbarro, which is a national chain, does this), whereas at Pizza King, a stromboli is made on French bread and is basically a big pizza sandwich. Outstanding! And no one else that I've found does it.

Arni's is another pizza place we frequented. I'm not sure exactly where the one was that we went to all the time, but it was in the Lafayette area, and now they've got a whole bunch of them around the state. I recall they had a train that brought your drinks to you, and they also had this big semi-truck in the dining area and its lights flashed in various entertaining patterns. Very cool to an 8-year-old.

One of the things I liked about Noble Roman's was that you could watch them through a window as they tossed the crust into the air. Very entertaining! Nowadays, they've turned into a by-the-slice place, like Hunt Brothers.


In West Lafayette, on Chauncy Hill, used to be Garcia's. It had a very cool interior, and a few years back I had the opportunity to stop by and enjoy it again, but I heard earlier this year that they closed their doors.

There are many other pizza places I've been to, but these were the most frequently visited in my youth. Nowadays, I like Papa John's best (but their prices are usually too high), and go to Little Caesar's and Domino's now and then.

Indianapolis Children's Museum: (official link, map)

I suppose I'd better move on before you all started to think this was a pizza blog, and the Children's Museum is a great way to close this article. I haven't been there for a while, but I remember having gotten to take school field trips down to Indy. It's one of those places where you can learn a lot by doing. I remember they were having a demonstration about how to build ships, and we were challenged to build one out of legos, and then they'd see how much weight it could support before it sank.

Being smarter than the average bear, I immediately realized the optimal solution was to create a barge, so I got all the plates and joined them together and then built some sides to trap a large pocket of air underneath it. Not surprisingly, my design was the best at holding weight.

There's a lot of stuff to see and do, and I'd really like to go back there some time. Since I have a couple of little cousins that live in the area, I'm hoping I can take them there some time when I'm in town soon. I'd like to see how it's changed; it's been probably 25 years since I was there last. I wonder if I'll have the intense déjà vu sensations I had when I rediscovered Deep River?

All right, that's all the time I have to tell you about my home state. Stay tuned for the next installment!

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Joan Jett - 1999

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Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me!


Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, known for such awesome tunes as “I Love Rock n Roll” and “Bad Reputation”, visited the Bataan while it was docked in Haifa, Israel, in the early part of December.

To much fanfare, they gave a helluva performance that could be heard from anywhere on the ship.

A quick trip to her website reveals she committed a major no-no while on tour in Jerusalem. Don’t tell anyone!


I’m now embarrassed to admit I didn’t really know who she was. I’m not into bands; I’m into music. I’ve heard plenty of bands with only a couple good songs, and figured Joan would be just another one of those, so I missed the show. Upon going through my collection to help get my website rebuilt, we looked her up and found out she’s actually pretty darn cool, for someone so freaky-looking.

She does a CONSIDERABLE amount of USO work, and is head and shoulders above all other entertainers when it comes to how many tours she’s done for the troops. She’s performed closer to combat lines than anyone, and performed more shows than anyone, for more years. Bob Hope would be humbled! The reason you never hear about it is because she doesn’t want to be a glory-hound in even the slightest. She doesn’t want to take any credit, she just wants to give back to the troops. I really admire that kind of selflessness.

I’ve got a couple videos of the show, and a few pics, which were given to me by other shipmates who did see the show. I’m still not going to be a metal-head, and I still think she’s way too freaky for me, but Joan is definitely someone I’d be proud to give a plankowner’s tour of the ship to, if she wanted one, and promised not to launch any missiles.







Wednesday, February 25, 2009

TrueFacts about Lacey Chabert

Location: Purvis, MS 39475, USA
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Hit the LIKE button for me!
If you don’t know who Lacey Chabert is, you’re not worthy to be on the same planet as she is; GET OFF!!! (Or... you could just look her up, and then you’ll be allowed to stay.)

I don’t wax poetic very often, but when I do, it’s always for a good reason, and Lacey is a very good reason for anyone to do anything. But this time, I've really outdone myself, and I pissed off Chuck Norris to do it! So before Chuck gets his revenge, I've released this list for all to see and enjoy.

After a year of intense investigative work, I uncovered a lot of interesting stuff about Lacey Chabert, and the work continues. Some of these items are rather incredible, but unlike the so-called Chuck Norris "facts", all these items are:

TRUEFACTS ABOUT LACEY CHABERT

1. There are no unhappy people, only those who've never met Lacey Chabert.
2. Lacey Chabert is not beautiful; beautiful is Lacey Chabert.
Or sign up as a Blogspot Follower!
3. Lacey Chabert is in so many bad movies because otherwise, who ever would've heard of third-rate actors like James Spader, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lauren Holly, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, Alice Krige, Matthew McConaughey, or Jennifer Garner?
4. Lacey Chabert does not appear nude on film so that all other women need not be consumed with jealousy.
5. If you have $5 and Lacey Chabert has $5, she has more money than you do. (If you don't understand why that's true, just go shopping with her once.)
6. Lacey Chabert can be neither early nor late because her appearance defines the proper time to begin.
7. To prevent needless traffic accidents by distracted drivers, Lacey Chabert does not appear on billboards.
8. Lacey Chabert can turn any frown upside-down.
9. In 5 billion years, when the Sun's hydrogen fuel is exhausted, Earth need not worry: Lacey Chabert will still be hotter and her smile brighter than the Sun could ever hope to be.
10. Lacey Chabert doesn't need to use any special Karate moves to stop a bank robber; her smile can disarm anyone.
11. When Lacey Chabert orders a salad, it does what it's told.
12. There are only two types of people in the world: those unworthy to be on the same planet with Lacey Chabert, and Lacey Chabert. Fortunately, she's very polite and lets us stay in parts of the world she isn't using.
13. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Lacey Chabert.
14. Many little girls dress up as Barbie for Halloween. Barbie dresses up as Lacey Chabert.
15. One of the ingredients of sugar is Lacey Chabert's breath. One time, she breathed a little too hard into the batch and the resulting sugar-rush sent millions of kids climbing the walls for three months.
16. Lacey Chabert never actually kisses a man in her movies because the first time she did, he burst into a confetti of cartoon hearts and they had to do another take with a more expensive replacement. Instead, all her kissing scenes must now be done with computer animation. Even then, the actors aren't always safe.
17. Lacey Chabert is not politically correct, she is always correct.
18. People who mistake Lacey Chabert as Jennifer Love Hewitt do so not because Hewitt is more famous, but rather because they cannot believe their extraordinary good fortune in meeting the genuine article.
19. Lacey Chabert does not write plays because she does not want to show up her favorite writer, William Shakespeare.
20. The HOV lanes are open to vehicles with 2 or more passengers, buses, motorcycles, and Lacey Chabert. (Wikipedia was asked not to list this information.)
21. Lacey Chabert does not have to stop at stop signs. She is instead allowed to obey an alternate meaning: “Slow To Optional Pause”.
22. Lacey Chabert's movements can be easily tracked because sunflowers always face toward her.
Lacey isn't too sexy for the LIKE button.
23. When Lacey Chabert walks into a garden, the flowers all want to smell her.
24. Lacey Chabert can play Craps without rolling the dice. All she has to do is bat her eyelashes at them and they fall all over themselves.
25. Lacey Chabert knows what Willis was talking about: Lacey is what Willis was talking about.
26. Lacey Chabert can order lobster bisque, a Nachos Bell Grande, satin bedsheets, a 212-ton dump truck, and 43 and a half barrels of monkeys at a hot dog stand on the outskirts of a little town like Palmer, Indiana (population: 9), and get it right away.
27. How many super-hot actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? If Lacey Chabert is among them, the answer is NONE, because she just glows.
28. Mathematicians now unanimously agree that if Infinity is divided by Zero, the result is Lacey Chabert.
29. Antarctic scientists are not allowed to have pictures of Lacey Chabert because even her worst pictures are hot enough to melt the icecap.
30. Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon as a stunt to impress Lacey Chabert.
31. Behind every great man is a great woman... a great woman who wishes she could be Lacey Chabert instead.
32. Anything Midas touched turned to gold. Anything Lacey Chabert touches melts in ecstasy.
33. Some scientists worry that Lacey Chabert could cause Global Warming because she's smoking hot. Others worry that since she's totally cool, she might cause Global Cooling. In reality, Lacey carefully balances her hotness and coolness to keep Earth's environment stable. The occasional heat wave or cold snap is caused when someone distracts her.
34. It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. But Lacey Chabert will make that bigger man cry if he tries it.
35. Sandpaper grading scale: Rough, coarse, average, fine, super fine, ultra fine, unimaginably fine, and Lacey Chabert.
36. When Marilyn vos Savant is stumped, she writes to Lacey Chabert.
37. As The Bard said, "Better to have loved Lacey and lost than never to have loved Lacey at all."
38. All the better perfumes in the world are made from Lacey Chabert's sweat.
39. Lacey Chabert does not believe in the Urban Dictionary.
40. Lacey Chabert donated the Hope Diamond to charity. Fourteen times. In a single hour.
41. Perfection aspires to achieve Lacey Chabert.
42. The Universal Question is irrelevant; the answer is that you are a figment of Lacey Chabert's imagination. There's simply nothing more that needs to be understood.
On her way to hit the LIKE button.
43. The incredible leaps of scientific knowledge made since 1982 have all been to ensure that Lacey Chabert will live forever.
44. The only reason Lacey Chabert doesn't win the Miss Universe competition every year is because contestants must be amateurs, and Lacey is not an amateur at anything she does.
45. Ever since Lacey Chabert recently revealed one of her nicknames, there has been a massive upswing in termites naming their children Dynamite.
46. Before Copernicus, it was believed the universe revolved around the Earth. Thanks to him, we now know it really revolves around Lacey Chabert.
47. Lacey Chabert doesn't pay taxes because she doesn't like the idea of getting paid to have fun. No income = no taxes.
48. Lacey Chabert owns everything because people just give her anything she asks for.
49. You wouldn't like Bruce Banner when he gets angry. The Hulk doesn't like Lacey Chabert when she gets angry.
50. Lacey Chabert recently received the Empire State Building as a birthday present from Donald Trump. She intends to use it as a summer house.
51. On an average day, 7 people are horrified to learn they have either misspelled or mispronounced Lacey Chabert’s name. As penance, these people are required to adopt a chihuahua.
52. Tibetan monks spend decades of their lives in isolation and silence high in the Himalayas contemplating the meaning of Lacey Chabert.
53. Now that there are more than 52 known TrueFacts about Lacey Chabert, don’t be surprised if someone starts putting them on decks of playing cards.
54. Chuck Norris was so impressed with this list of TrueFacts that he immediately offered to be Lacey Chabert’s personal bodyguard. Among his duties: menacing paparazzi, keeping the hordes of autograph-seekers in a single-file line, and making sure no one complains when her wrist gets cramped.
55. When Billy Mays, Richard Simmons, and nervous little dogs need to get pumped up, a quick call to Lacey Chabert gets them excited.
56. No matter what country Lacey Chabert goes to, the residents all know what she’s saying because no one would ever want to misunderstand her.
57. Baskin Robbins will be coming out with a 32nd flavor to commemorate Lacey Chabert’s 32nd birthday, if they can figure out a way to pack enough sweetness into a gallon of ice cream in the limited amount of time they have left. (5 years to go at time of writing.)
58. Everybody hated chihuahuas until Lacey Chabert got one; now they’re the most popular breed of dog ever.
59. Much like the situation Queen Elizabeth was in most of her life, Lacey Chabert cannot get married for fear of starting a world war.
60. Lacey Chabert does not acknowledge the veracity of the TrueFacts because to do so would spawn millions of insanely jealous people who would wish they’d figured them out first.
61. In 2012, the world will not end, because Lacey Chabert said so.
62. Even though "blondes have more fun," Lacey Chabert does not bleach her hair because she's having exactly the amount of fun she wants to have at any given moment.
63. When Google can't find something, Lacey Chabert knows where it is. Often it's in her purse.
64. It used to be that whenever Lacey Chabert misspelled a word, Merriam-Webster had to republish all the dictionaries. Now they can just change their website.
65. Lacey Chabert does not need a membership to use a gym, shop at Sam's Club, check out a library book, etc.
66. Lacey Chabert can beat the Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
67. Victoria's Secret is... not Lacey Chabert. Sorry. Better you find out from me than from some bully at school.
68. Bob Barker often checked with Lacey Chabert to be sure the price really was right.
69. Switzerland is neutral about everything except its opinion of Lacey Chabert.
70. Lacey Chabert can start a fire by rubbing water and Halon together.
71. Even amnesiacs remember an encounter with Lacey Chabert.
72. Lacey Chabert was offered an honorary degree from Princeton University but her father wouldn't let her accept it because they wouldn't change their name to Princesston.
73. Lacey Chabert's passport has stamps from 82 different countries, 7 continents, and 14 planets.
74. Lacey Chabert does not tolerate haters of Christopher Columbus; unlike them, she has perspective on what happened back then. Because she was there.
75. Lacey Chabert could have the National Debt wiped out just by making a phone call, but then Congress would just run it back up again without learning anything.
76. Mattel, the makers of the Uno cardgame, changed the design of the cards because Lacey Chabert once said she didn't like the letter "D".
77. In Soviet Russia, Eliza Thornberry is the voice of Lacey Chabert.
78. Illegal immigrants have discovered that when in Arizona, they can dodge being asked for ID and then deported if they dress up as Lacey Chabert. As a personal favor to Chuck Norris, who is busy elsewhere, Mr. T is reputedly on the case to punch through all the jibber-jabber and stop the impersonations. I pity the fool who gets in his way.
79. Lacey Chabert doesn't have good days, good days have Lacey Chabert.
80. Not only can Lacey Chabert slam a revolving door, she can do it as she's skiing through it.
81. The Higgs Boson is incredibly elusive. Some say it's because it doesn't really exist, others theorize that it's because it interacts very weakly with regular matter, but a new school of thought has emerged which says it's just incredibly self-conscious around Lacey Chabert.
82. Lacey Chabert has a big heart. So big, she has donated parts of it to 72 needy people (so far).
Have you hit the LIKE button yet?
83. When it comes to table-tennis, Lacey Chabert can defeat a brick wall.
84. Lacey Chabert once ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. During the run, she tripped and fell. As the bulls were about to trample her, they all stopped and waited until she got back on her feet, dusted herself off, grinned sheepishly, and resumed running before they continued to chase the crowd.
85. Plans are being drawn up to include Lacey Chabert's head on Mount Rushmore. Washington is most likely to give up his spot, since it's the most prominent.
86. Lacey Chabert can mix iced tea so strong that after one sip you will be able to see through time.
87. There are three fundamental Laws of Thermodynamics. Lacey Chabert is exempt from two of them and expects to overcome the third real soon.
88. Every answer given by Watson, the Jeopardy-playing computer which creamed the two best human players of all time, was "Lacey Chabert". This was sufficient to win a million dollars for charity.
89. A kitten stuck in a tree isn't as cute as Lacey Chabert.
90. The devil is willing to sell his soul to spend one minute as Lacey Chabert.
91. Lacey Chabert was slated to appear on the TV show, Lost, but at the last minute it was realized no one would believe the media would lose track of her.
92. Lacey Chabert does not promote her own charity for fear it will drive all the others out of business.
93. Al Gore invented the internet at Lacey Chabert's behest. No one living knows why and it's best not to ask.
94. The color formerly known as pink has been renamed Lacey Chabert. The singer known as Pink has not.
95. Lacey Chabert's mother once told her, "If you can't say something nice to someone, don't say anything at all." Consequently, Barack Hussein Obama feels very lonely.
96. Lacey Chabert doesn't have to go around mountains. They politely move out of her way.
97. A toothpick is all Lacey Chabert needs to eat soup. It's also rumored she can build a log cabin out of three toothpicks, complete with glass windows, indoor plumbing, and air conditioning.
98. Lacey Chabert knows everything because facts change according to her beliefs.
99. The internet is running out of IP addresses because Lacey Chabert likes to collect them. Apparently they're very cute, don't take up much space, and don't eat much.
100. Lacey Chabert can leave a message before the beep.
101. Lacey Chabert can rewind a DVD.
102. Lacey Chabert can change a leopard's spots.
103. Cars look both ways before Lacey Chabert crosses the street.
104. Lacey Chabert once won a game of darts without even playing.
105. Pizza, the most versatile food since the potato, was invented by Lacey Chabert.
106. Lacey Chabert's current pastime is teaching her dogs foreign languages. So far they can bark in Spanish, Japanese, and French.
107. Attention pays Lacey Chabert, not the other way around. And it pays a considerable amount.
108. When Lacey Chabert chops an onion, it cries so she doesn't have to.
109. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is otherwise known as Lacey Chabert.
110. When Lacey Chabert goes on a picnic, the ants bring her food.
111. Lacey Chabert doesn't own an umbrella because rain doesn't fall on her.
112. Both sides of Lacey Chabert's pillow are cool.
Hit the LIKE button, you'll look this good too.
113. When Lacey Chabert is in Rome, they do as she does.
114. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but Lacey Chabert can. Like how to use the toilet and flush it afterward.
115. The Red Queen may be able to believe six impossible things before breakfast, but Lacey Chabert DOES six impossible things before breakfast.
116. Geico saved 15% or more by switching to Lacey Chabert.
117. In her song, "All I want for Christmas is You," Mariah Carey is referring to Lacey Chabert. The sentiment caught on worldwide, so Santa gets a break this year.
118. Lacey Chabert knows which words rhyme with orange, purple, silver, and month.
119. Lacey Chabert doesn't need to be verified on Twitter, Facebook, etc because imposters would be mobbed and forced to adopt a chihuahua.
120. When Donald Trump tried to fire Lacey Chabert, his show was canceled instead.
121. For Easter, Lacey Chabert hides a billion eggs around the country for children to find in Easter egg hunts.
122. Lacey Chabert negotiated equitable peace in the long-standing feud between George Takei and William Shatner before either of them could publicly embarass themselves.
123. Lacey Chabert is not running for President because she already rules the world.


This list is updated as more TrueFacts are uncovered. Last update: 5/1/2012AD (No, I didn't draw the picture.)




Please help create the next great internet meme by linking to this page! Lacey deserves it and Jaycee wants to give it to her. Post this picture and attach the following link to it:

http://truefacts.mopjockey.com/

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(And about it.)


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Christy Brinkley, Terry Bradshaw, and many more - 1999
Railroad Tycoon 2 Untold Strategies

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