You Didn't Exist Five Minutes Ago

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I just thought you might like to know that I created the entire universe about five minutes ago. (Six, considering how long it took you to read to this point.) "Yeah right," you say. See? I made you say that. "What about all my memories?" you ask. Simple: they're not real. I made them up. I created all kinds of little things for you all to discover, such as rings in trees indicating their age, sedimentary layers in the Earth indicating its age, and I even gave you all belly buttons, even though none of you were born. Why? Because that's the world you expect to find.

Why am I telling you this? Because a select few of you - those who are reading this now, in fact - are special beyond measure. I put within you a compulsion to come here right now so you would know the truth about the world in which you live.

Why would I go through the trouble of creating an entire universe and then take no care to ensure my own place at the very top? Who's to say I haven't? But I would like for the rest of the world to think so, and it is not for you or them to question that. Just accept it, and commence to accomplish the secret mission which I have assigned to you. You will find it hiding in your subconscious, not far from where I put the compulsion to come here 8 minutes ago.

I suppose you may wish to see proof I accomplished this feat. I'll provide it, but only as reward if you can prove I didn't do it. Remember, I made everything, including your memories. You have not actually done anything you remember doing; it's all an implanted memory to give you the illusion of free will.

Be good, convert the masses, and praise me once in a while, huh? I'll be watching.

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Why don't they just Occupy Washington?

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By now you're aware that I'm the mastermind behind the Occupy Movement. I've agitated for years about unfairness and hypocrisy, especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to be running the country, until finally someone even braver than myself decided to go Occupy Wall Street and brought all his newly homeless friends with him. The movement spread all over the country, to every major city, until today we have people who are tired of the protests whining, "Why don't they just go Occupy Washington DC? Why does it have to be all over the country?"

This, of course, shows a frightening unwillingness to think without the TV news providing their opinion for them (followed up by denial of such).

Why don't the millions of Americans who are fed up with money polluting politics and the growing boldness with which the country is raped just go march on Washington DC? Simple, really.



First, we're talking about the newly homeless here. People who have had their jobs shipped overseas through no fault of their own, who've had their houses stolen from them, who can't afford to feed themselves or their kids. Just how exactly are these people supposed to GET TO Washington? Walk? Have you ever tried to walk 500 miles, or 500 more? It's not fun, even when you have a really good reason. (It's all I can do to walk about 15-20 miles a week and I'm healthier than 90% of you reading this.) I can't afford to go march on Washington, and neither can the majority of protesters. They're doing all they can to get food to eat.

Second, not counting armed revolts, no "movement" which focused on one city ever amounted to anything. This is a NATIONAL CRISIS, folks. It's a problem which can only be solved by one of three things: armed revolt, Constitutional Convention, or for those who deem themselves our lords to willingly abdicate their thrones. I think we can safely say that willing abdication will NEVER take place without the threat of armed revolt targeting those who need to step down (because historically speaking, fear of mob justice is the ONLY reason it's ever happened), so unless you want to become an ill-named Tea Party enthusiast advocating such things, that leaves the Constitutional Convention.

How on Earth do you get one of those things going?

It's a national event, something each state has to agitate for, and we need something like 38 out of the 50 states to agree to it. You don't get that kind of mass appeal by marching on one lousy city which really needs a second reason to glow in the dark to get rid of the rot. You have to get in people's faces, you have to show them that there IS a problem which CANNOT BE SOLVED by simply rolling over and letting the Koch brothers and the Freddie/Fannie monopolies keep raping you, hoping they'll get bored and stop. They won't. It's what they live for.

If you don't want to do anything to help yourself, that's okay with me, but don't complain about the economy or Congress or the excessive police-state we're getting into or the high prices or skyrocketing inflation or anything else, and don't tell me I can't take charge of my life and try to set my country right. As Carl Schurz said, "My country, right or wrong. When right to be kept right and when wrong to be put right."

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Brighten up, Girlfriend

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Hey everyone, nice to see you all again, plus some shiny new faces this year! January is shaping up to set another record, thanks to you.

My friend Lacey Chabert was desperately in need of help. She recently posted up an awful looking picture and no one stepped up to bail out her poor photographer, who faces the possibility of getting kicked out of the family for the goof. Luckily this kind of thing can be recovered pretty easily. After I fixed it, I noticed it turned out MUCH better than a lot of the pictures I fix for my family, so I thought I'd share the process with you AND save everyone's fave girl from the hassle of editing her Christmas card list.

I'm no Photoshopping genius, I'm just a guy who can adjust some sliders on readily available photo enhancement software to make pictures look better. I'll be using a program called ACDSee Pro, but this kind of functionality is available in most photo editing software, and some of it is even free or comes with your camera!

One key piece of advice to all you budding photographers that I had to learn the hard way when I screwed up some really important pictures when I first got a digital camera: be sure to use a flash when indoors, because the camera thinks it's a lot darker inside than you do. Your eyes adjust, a camera lens doesn't. Though most photos can be recovered to some degree, many can't, and few turn out this good. Best to just use the flash.

Okay, so check this out, guys:

Final Photo: We got lucky here.
The colors are vibrant! It's just
like being there for realsies!
Read on to see how this happened.

Original Photo: Much too dark,
all details are hidden.
(As always, click to embiggenate)

Overdone Photo: It's too bright
and grainy. This is what you
usually get from this process.
It's better than nothing!

How did we get such a fantastic result? Check these out!

First we go to Process, then Edit, then Lighting, and see this. These sliders
each affect a certain light tone range, kind of like the equalizer on a stereo.

Let's adjust sliders! Wheeeeeeeee!!!

...Preferably the correct ones. But don't sweat it, you can undo.

A little experimenting to see what does what.

Don't be afraid to experiment; all Human progress depends on it. 

It's amazing what you can find out by trying new things!

I'll swear with my dying breath (which might be sooner than you think if
Lacey gets a hold of me), IT'S NOT DANDRUFF!! (I think. I wasn't there.)

So there you have it.

If I really wanted to get fancy, I could blend together some of the pixels on Lacey's coat to get rid of the washouts, maybe added some sharpness or some blur and then pulled a few other processing tricks, but I didn't want to spend that much time on it before her check cleared.

And even though ACDSee isn't paying me to say this (though they should), I highly recommend you get ACDSee. It's primarily a photo manager, and it makes finding, sorting, organizing, and displaying your pictures very easy. It also lets you do some basic editing and processing too, but not quite to the Photoshop level. I've used it for many years, and consequently can't stand the built-in picture display thingy built into Windows. ACDSee has spoiled me. You don't have to get the Pro version, the regular version will let you adjust light levels and do pretty much anything you can think of to a picture, but the Pro version lets you feel special for having paid more for it.

So, all's right with the world. You all now know to use the flash on your cameras and what to do if you forget. Lacey finally gets to see her valuable family picture as it was meant to be seen. Her photographer gets out of hot water. And we here at Mopjockey.com had the pleasure to entertain you, as we do from time to time.

Check out our Facebook page (and hit the LIKE button, huh? it's only fair), or sign up to follow through Google/Blogspot on the left side of the page, or add yourself as a follower on Twitter, which we just got around to adding. And leave a comment somewhere if you want to see more articles like this.

BTW, li'l sis, call me when you have a minute. Got my new number? Same as the old number.

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Mandatory Driver Education

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As a friend drove me somewhere the other day, I noticed that she didn't know how to drive properly. This person used to be an accident investigator for the US Postal Service; she knew just about everything there was to know about trucks without having driven one, and yet, she was driving very discourteously around them as well as other cars. I was surprised to see her blocking up traffic, riding bumpers, riding catacorner to people in their blind spots at highway speeds (what I call "clipping"), and using an inconsistent speed which meant she got in everyone's way.

Of course, she's hardly the only offender. I constantly see people driving like they're idiots, getting in my way, and otherwise flirting with disaster. Thank God I'm a better driver than almost anyone! I have evaded being in several accidents in the past 20-some years since I've had a license, and so I thought I'd offer a few driving tips so you can learn them and then lord them over your buddies the way kids nag their parents to wear their seatbelts.

After I castigated her, I wrote these 8 Simple Rules for Driving on my Road:

Rule #1: If you want to drive faster than me, please do it BEFORE I pass you, not during and not after.

Rule #2: If you want to pass me, please continue to drive faster than me. I don't want you flying past me, then getting in front of me and slowing down, then speeding up again when I move over to pass you. Cruise control is your friend.

Rule #3: Never, ever sit next to another vehicle for longer than 5-10 seconds. If that means you have to speed up to pass them, do it! Sitting next to someone, especially a big truck, is inviting disaster and it's damned rude to do, nevermind that you're blocking traffic.

Rule #4: If you're not turning or changing lanes, turn your turn signal off. And if you are going to turn or change lanes in dense traffic, turn it on!

Rule #5: Turn your stupid radio down! No one wants to hear it. Especially at the gas station, where we're afraid the pounding is going to damage the underground gasoline tanks and set off an explosion.

Rule #6: When you're trying to get on the highway, you have my permission to use the entire length of the ramp and the acceleration lane to get up to speed and merge safely. It is no longer required that you either merge into the highway at 30 below the speed limit and then speed up, or come to a stop at the intersection and wait for three miles of clear before you merge. (Unless you live in Pennsylvania.)

Rule #7: When you're trying to get off the highway, it is not necessary to whiz past me and get off at the last possible second, nearly knocking me off the road just because you felt you had to get in front of me. Just slow down, wait that one extra second, and then get in the deceleration lane from behind me. There is no prize for getting to the road before I pass under the bridge.

Rule #8: Do NOT put on makeup while you are driving, ladies! Especially do not use that eyeliner pencil which WILL poke your eye out if you hit a crack in the road. When you're at a light, I'll tolerate it, as long as I'm not stuck behind you when the light turns green. (This means you, Jenny!)

That's it. Do those simple little things and you will cause and be in fewer accidents, and you will also save yourself and everyone around you a lot of unneeded stress and even a little cash on your gasoline bill.

What rules of the road would you like to see?

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Fearmongering Scientists

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You know how, later this year, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012? Today between 11:00 and 12:00 I heard Astronomer Phil Plait on WHYY internet radio trying to convince us all that it's just not true.

First, he used flimsy arguments to dismiss the arrival of the planet Nibiru, AKA Planet X, which will collide with Earth on that fateful day. According to Dr. Plait, any planet bound by the Sun's gravity (he doesn't explicitly say this, but it's what he meant) which was going to collide with Earth within the next year would be near the orbit of Mars and because of its size (4 times that of Earth) it would be brighter in the sky than Jupiter, which at the moment is easily visible near the moon as a very bright star. He further asserts that such a massive object would have disrupted the orbits of Earth, Mars, and other planets by now with its gravity, something which he says isn't happening.

However, Plait plainly has no idea what he's talking about!

Hello? Reality calling Dr. Phil? Aren't you forgetting something rather important?


Isn't the Solar system a THREE DIMENSIONAL construct? Aren't there things orbiting outside the Ecliptic plane (the plane in which the Earth orbits the Sun)? Isn't it possible that all the telescopes are looking in the wrong place? Couldn't Nibiru be orbiting at an angle oriented -450 degrees from the Ecliptic, and therefore not be where we expect to find it? And if it were there, wouldn't it have a much smaller effect on the planets' orbits, because it was much farther from them? Nibiru doesn't need to collide with the Earth to destroy it, it merely needs to whip past the Sun very quickly, which means it can be traveling far faster than it would otherwise need to if it were going to collide with Earth. Faster speed means it's further still from the distance needed to affect other planets. And maybe they have their cloaking device engaged, the same one Captain Kirk stole from the Romulans.

Simple explanations, really man. You're not fooling anyone.

The self-admitted Bad Astronomer goes on to protest that the increasing activity levels of the Sun have nothing to do with the end of the world. It has been predicted by some that a giant Solar flare will swallow the Earth, burning it to a crisp. Plait dismisses these by claiming there is some sort of cycle to the Sun's activity and that it will reach its peak in 2013 and 2014.

Hello? Even if the Sun wasn't as steady as the day God made it, do you not realize that the Solar Max is merely an average of a prediction, little different than Hurricane Season here on Earth, and that giant solar flares CAN and DO occur at any time, not just during Solar Max, in the same way that hurricanes can and do form outside Hurricane Season?

Really, man, you're being ridiculous here.

And don't you think that if a giant planet whips around the Sun at high speed, making a very close approach, that it might CAUSE giant solar flares?

Plait then goes on to dismiss hurricanes, earthquakes, and other natural disasters which could easily be proven to be caused by the gravitational effects of a giant, invisible planet closing in on us at warp speed, claiming that the millions of scientists around the world who know of this could NOT be coopted or threatened to keep their mouths shut by the MIB, Illuminati, and other government stooges who are hiding the TRUTH that Kennedy was assassinated by Yetis fighting for Tibetan independence.

Yeah, right, Phil. Tell me another one.

Worst of all, Plait then tries to put the burden of proof on those who make what he calls "outlandish claims". First he calls them whackos, then expects them to act in a logical and mature fashion by WORKING to prove something which can be easily seen as the truth with the application of just a little imagination and no small dollop of heroin.

Phil, Phil, Phil. What am I going to do with you? I'll bet you expect your children to show their work on their math homework to "prove" they understand how to get the answer. I'll bet you expect your children to speak English in your house. I'll even bet that at one time you expected your children to appreciate all you've done for them. How cruel and selfish of you. The world doesn't need adults who are capable of rational thought, nor those capable of taking responsibility for themselves! What the world needs is more heroes like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and Snooki. It needs people who willingly, EAGERLY believe every con job the television and the internet sell them. Really, Phil, how do you expect the super-rich to continue to oppress us if we suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to believe they have our best interests at heart while they're robbing us blind?

What really took the cake for me, personally, as a pseudo-journalist who often invents sensational news stories in an effort to get people to click on my ads so I can make some money off their panic, is that he would interfere in the right of someone to seek a certain, relatively painless death for themselves or their children instead of waiting to see if the prognostications come to pass and possibly suffering a horrible death from being flung into space when the Earth's rotation comes to a sudden halt. Nibiru will be easily observed and its effects felt months before the end. If someone's brain is so defective that they can't stand to wait for the inescapable truth one way or the other, and choose to endure eternal damnation by killing themselves instead of letting God do it at the time of His choosing, then the gene pool will be that much cleaner when the survivors try to rebuild society.

The end is so obviously nigh, Phil Plait, Bad Astronomer. The "proof" you seek is coming. Will you keep denying it with your "rationality" four days later just because Santa Claus visited your house? I'll bet you will.

You're going to be awfully embarrassed when the world ends and you tried to keep people calm and realistic. There's no place for that sort of thing on this planet or any other. I suppose next he'll be telling us the world is warming up and the polar bears are dying off because there's no longer enough ice at the North Pole to block the Northwest Passage.

I will pray for your soul in the coming apocalypse, Phil.
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