I Deserve a Break Today

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Dear McDonald's,

I have loved eating your food for as long as I can remember. My dad worked for you when he was a kid and I did as well. We both have good memories from those times and are glad for the experience. Plus, I find it very flattering that the Double Quarter Pounder was created in homage to the Bigger Mac I invented during my tenure, but it would be nice to get a royalty check or at least a credit on the website which I can use to impress my friends.



Several years ago, you began to show signs that you no longer wanted my business by raising prices to the point where I could no longer have a meal for under $5. But then you introduced the Extra Value Meal and made it possible for me to continue our love affair. And then a few years later, you again raised prices to discourage my patronage. But then you introduced the Dollar Menu, and put the Double Cheeseburger, Small Fries, and Small Drink on it, and induced me to continue spending money. But you continued to raise prices, to the point where you even stole a slice of cheese from my sandwich and rebranded the result as a McDouble, but you also raised the prices of drinks and fries too ridiculously high for such a small serving.

The most recent blow has been that you've started charging for water. No, not the bottled water, which any idiot or desperately thirsty person will pay $1-$2 for, but regular tap water. I also have been finding it harder to find the McDouble for $1, and it's nearly impossible to find a Small Fries for $1. The Any Size Drink for $1 was a nice idea, but I no longer drink pop, thanks in part to you.

Personally, I think it's a crime to charge for something which costs you nothing, but I do realize that everything is worth what someone will pay for it. That works both ways, though. It means that after nearly 40 years of patronage, if I cannot find a reasonable price for any of your products, I must say a tearful goodbye.

But, you clever bastards, you went and made internet free. Even in California (or at least in the one store I went to out there a few weeks ago). Considering that providing internet service costs almost nothing, but creates a desire for internet addicts to sit in your store, get hungry as they surf, and buy something out of a false sense of obligation, I don't understand why more places don't offer it. I am shocked and amazed that the major truckstop companies continue to charge for a service which most people can get for free (often IN the truckstop itself!), but then I'm also amazed they can keep a straight face when they offer a "sale" on something by charging 50% - 100% more than what you'd pay if you just went to Walmart (which often has room for trucks to park). And since I like internet so much, because it lets me swap out emails in about 30 seconds, I find myself coming back into the store and occasionally buying something, despite your expressed wishes against doing business with people who prefer to get value for their hard-earned money.

I gave up my favorite Quarter Pounders because you priced me out of them. I gave up Fries because you priced me out of them. I have no problem giving up the bastardized McDoubles if you price me out of them too. Your free internet ploy may have gotten me to hesitate in severing all contact with you, but it will not obligate me to overpay for things which ruin my diet anyway.

PLEASE reconsider your position.

PS: Is anyone falling for that Daily Double monstrosity? Paying an extra dollar for lettuce on their Double Cheeseburger (or is it a McDouble)? I know there are a lot of suckers out there, but that's got to be pressing your luck big time.

Can You Spot the Flaw?

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I'm sure we all remember the 50's, even if we weren't alive for them. Every man had a wife and 5 kids, and every man had a job which could pay for his family's food, shelter, clothes, college, and annual vacation, plus a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot. Nowadays, though, Wifey has to work, and the kids do too, just as soon as they're old enough, and even then the family is still scraping by. And let's not forget that the family size has dropped to 1-2 kids now.

What happened?

When did life shift from being so easy that only 1 mouth in 7 had to work to being so hard that even when every mouth works the family still can't get by? If you take a look at some of the other countries out there, they've got larger family sizes and fewer mouths having to work to feed the family. How did things go so horribly wrong in America?

We can spend all day pointing the finger at things and not be wrong. Poor examples being set by our leaders and our heroes. High divorce rate. No dads in the home. Hypocritical religious and political leaders. Schools failing and being set up to fail. Drugs. Gangs. Prostitution being outlawed. Medical malpractice. Frivolous lawsuits. Obscene copyright lengths. Software patents. Gene patents. The RIAA and MPAA. Blamestorming.

The list goes on.

And on.

And on.

We're looking for someone to blame. One person or group to pin all this on. The one source of all the trouble, after which everything else is merely a symptom and will go away if we correct the one flaw and throw the rascals out. But who? Blacks? Whites? Gays? Christians? Jews? Muslims? Unions? The rich? Doctors? Liberals? Conservatives? Gangs? The Illuminati? Scientology? God? Satan? Teachers?

Who's leg do we gotta hump to get our lives back?

And can we ever get it back? How hard will it be to do so?

One of the big obstacles seems to be citizen apathy and hopelessness. Sure, once in a while, millions of people get upset about some useless celebrity getting in trouble or talkng out their butt, or if one person in a billion dies of some obscure thing, there's a massive campaign to make everyone else's life harder, but when it comes to something important which would actually benefit everyone, like important amendments to the Constitution which would make political corruption much more difficult, or asking the super-rich to pay their fair share for all the benefits we provide them, suddenly, even though a near-unanymous majority agrees, nothing gets done and almost no one makes an effort. The movement then either dies or becomes the province only of "crazy" people.

Did people just suddenly become stupid, or was this done to us maliciously by someone who wants to control us so we can't kick them out of power when they abuse it, as we peasants have historically done when our kings step far enough out of line? I'm sure you can guess which of these two possibilities I suspect.

So what are you going to do? Which is more important to you? Making sure those who are out to take everything you have don't get away with it, or watching yet another Kardashian self-destruct?

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Still Kickin'

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Yeah, I'm still kickin'! Most of my online activity has been taking place either on my Twitter account or the More In Sanity Facebook page, but I've also posted several interesting things on my personal Facebook page (which you probably can't read all of), or on others' pages.Sign up to be a follower or a liker or a subscriber to keep up with most of my shenanigans. It's worth it, unless you're a hater or a schmuck, but no one who enjoys this site is one of those.

Some of you know I've been driving a truck again for the last few months, which is my excuse for not stopping by here more often; I've definitely been busy. Gotten a little work done on a couple of my stories, came up with a few more (:rolleyes:), and have been working on a business plan for a friend who may be selling some tasty confectionaries in the near future, which she makes now and then for only her favorite friends. (Is it any wonder I can't quit chocolate and sugar?)

I did manage to finish up a piece I'd started writing a few months ago, which will be posted Monday morning, and I may be releasing a few more in the coming weeks, but for the time being, I'm probably not going to be as hot and heavy as I have been in the past. Using Facebook to share my thoughts is SOOOO much easier for both me and my fans who respond that I will probably use it for the bulk of my activities. When time is limited, you have to use it carefully. But this place can still do a lot that Facebook can't, so I won't be changing where the URL points any time soon.

Stay tuned, because in the coming weeks there will be more articles and perhaps even some big changes if certain plans work out. And now to go update my wifi.mopjockey.com page...

Have a good weekend!

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Can I buy your vote for $100?

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You heard right: I want to give you $100 to buy your vote, with no strings attached. You vote for the candidate I tell you to, and I give you a crisp, new $100 bill so you can marvel at Benjamin Franklin's portrait.

Why would I do such a thing?

You've heard, perhaps even uttered the phrase, "I wouldn't do that even if I was paid to." Or perhaps it was, "There's no amount of money you could pay me to do that."

Voting is something which millions of our countrymen have sacrificed everything to allow us to do. There's no voting tax, there's not really much of a qualification to be able to do it, you just have to have the desire to do it. A lot of people, myself included, have been so incensed at what are laughingly referred to as our "choices", and that we are not allowed to vote "None of the Above", that we often simply don't vote as protest. Unfortunately, that doesn't work any better because it only strengthens the voice of those who aren't really smart enough to vote.

In any form of motivation, there is the stick and the carrot; that is, the punishment for not doing right, and the reward for doing right. One without the other often doesn't work, but when both are used, you usually get results. For instance, we personally don't have to make much of a sacrifice to vote; the only stick is that we get no voice at all. What's needed is a carrot, and that's where the $100 comes in. If I give you some money to go vote, you'll go do it, right?

But then there are people whom I have described as, "He/She wouldn't do his/her job even if he/she was paid to do it." Funny, because of the irony that the person IS being paid to do it and still won't. If I give you $100 to vote, will you go out and do it? If not, then what is the price at which you WILL go vote?

Maybe you think your vote isn't for sale, but what's even more ironic is that people sell their votes all the time for far less than $100. A simple pat on the back from a particular candidate is often enough to do it. Even a PERCEIVED pat on the back - which is to say that the candidate did NOT single you out, he simply mentioned some group you're a part of and praised them and got you to think he cares about you that way.

But there are people who sell their vote even cheaper; in fact, who PAY to cast their vote. I'm talking about the people who blindly vote the party line. "It's the Republican/Democrat candidate, and I'm one of them, so I will vote for them and not consider the other person for any reason." A person like that has paid dearly, whether it's by suffering from party values which rob him of his retirement or his paycheck, or whether it's supporting ideas which are against his core values and therefore forfeits his soul, that person has paid to vote for someone he wouldn't believe in if they were a member of the "other" party.

So you see my real question: what would it take to get you to vote for what you actually want, and not for what someone else tells you that you have to settle for? If there was a candidate who supported everything you personally believed in, who was NOT part of the political party which has conned you into thinking you're one of them and they will take care of you, what would it take for you to vote for him/her?

I hear a lot of people say they want change and fairness and equality, and then they go and vote for a Republican or a Democrat, neither of which has their interests in mind, and both of which have a long track record of lying to get elected. What would it take to get you to snap out of your trance and vote for someone else? Someone who actually would do what you wanted him to do? Someone who would cater to YOUR needs? Someone who was honest and open and worthy of the position you're electing him to?

Is there any price anyone could pay to get you to vote for that person?

Because there are a LOT of people who have paid with their lives so that you WOULD DO JUST THAT.

There IS a person like that, who IS running for President. He can't do it alone. He can't do it without you. He needs you to stand up for yourself and support him so that he can support you, so that he can safeguard your lifetime of work and your retirement and your well-being and restore the rights which the two ajor political parties have trampled in favor of the over-wealthy special interests. Unless you stand up for your rights, you won't have them.

That's important to me. So important that I want to give you $100 if you help get him elected. For $100, you can't possibly feel like your vote was wasted (even though voting for anyone else is a sure way to waste it), and just think what it will be like, knowing that you made history and got a decent man into the White House for the first time in a long time, one who will do everything he can to set the country right again.

Can I pay you to love your country?

Simply go here and sign up because I want to give you $100 if you help me get Buddy Roemer elected. (The nature of this payment will take the form of a stronger economy and a better income for you when Buddy gets elected and puts into action his plan to kick the corruption out of Congress.)

I thank you, and your country thanks you.

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Ten Missing Days

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A year is 365 days long, right? Well, not exactly. Sometimes, like this year, the year is 366 days long. This happens every four years, on years divisible by 4. You already knew that, right?

Did you know that some years which are divisible by 4 are NOT leap years?

A little history will explain:




In 46 BC, Julius Caesar created what's known as the Julian calendar. It had 365 days per year, except every four years there was an extra day added in February. Just like today, right? Almost.

Though this gives an average year-length of 365.25 days, the year is actually a little bit shorter, about 11 minutes shorter. This adds up to three fewer days every 400 years, which means that in a 400 year span, there needs to be only 97 leap days, not 100 as the Julian calendar prescribes.

By 1582 AD, the calendar had drifted 10 whole days away from its proper date, which was screwing up the proper day on which to celebrate Easter, not to mention the seasons showing up at the wrong time. So Pope Gregory the 13th created something called called a papal bull, which is basically a decree for the whole world.

Of course, back then, as now, something less than the whole world paid attention to the Pope's decrees, but the Catholic world did pay attention, so that Thursday, October 4th was followed by Friday, October 15th. Ten days had to be skipped in order to get the calendar back on track, but at the time, only a handful of countries observed the change.

Over the years, more countries adopted the change until finally, the last Christian countries to do so, Russia and Greece, did so in the early 20th century and had to skip 13 days. (The October Revolution occurs in November because at the time, Russia was still on the Julian calendar.)

This new calendar, dubbed the Gregorian calendar, follows a slightly different rule than the Julian calendar. Every four years a leap day is added, UNLESS the year is divisible by 100... UNLESS the year is divisible by 400. So 1900 would normally have been a leap year, but it actually wasn't. However, the year 2000 WAS a leap year because it's divisible by 400. When we get to 2100, it will NOT be a leap year, nor will be 2200 or 2300, but 2400 will be.

Neat, huh?

If you plan on living that long, you'll see for yourself.

Here's some fascinating history of the Julian calendar and the Gregorian calendar.

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Pissed Off, then Pissed On

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The other day, someone posted, "I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on."

Someone else pointed out, "This is one of those times when the difference between THEN and THAN is rather important." I hope I don't have to explain it.

Earlier today, I received an invite to a party which was being held to raise money for someone's funeral expenses. The organizer said, "Donations will be excepted."

My reply was, "This is one of those times when the difference between EXCEPTED and ACCEPTED is rather important." Unless, of course, they really did NOT want donations?



In both cases, the person doing the correcting was lambasted as if they had committed an atrocity. But you know what? It's not MY job to have to work to understand you, it's YOUR job to work to be understood.

Think I'm wrong?

How about trying to illegally cross a border into a country whose language you don't speak. You think Zimbabwe soldiers won't shoot you if they can't understand you? You think Mexican cops won't arrest you and put you in a hole if they can't understand you? America is the only place where people seem to think they have to do all the work to understand other people around them. You see it not just in the dearth of foreigners who can't speak English, many of them here illegally, but also in the kids who can't be bothered to use the right word.

Literally.

No one here would THINK of going to France and expecting the whole French populace to speak English just for them. So why do we have the attitude that here in America, we the communicator can be so lazy that if someone doesn't understand us, it's their problem?

I, and EVERY author, have spent a great deal of time, trying to pick just the right words for our books to convey exactly the right thing at the right pace to make a gripping story. Those who do a good job of it sell well, those who do a poor job of it sell poorly. Well, not counting the marketing machine, but then again, there too is an example of the better writer doing a better job of connecting to what the people want. Crafting ads is an art, you know.

And do you know what it says about you when you can't even take a second to be sure you're not embarrassing yourself with the wrong word? If I have to work to understand you, it says that what you have to say isn't that important. Worse, it says that you don't consider ME important enough to try to communicate. It says you think I'm your slave. Is that really the message you want to give other people? Don't we have enough prospective slave-owners out there?

For those of you who can't tell the difference between there, they're, and their, PLEASE do not try to get a job creating DANGER signs! I don't want to see "brake glass four emergency" any time soon.

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You Didn't Exist Five Minutes Ago

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I just thought you might like to know that I created the entire universe about five minutes ago. (Six, considering how long it took you to read to this point.) "Yeah right," you say. See? I made you say that. "What about all my memories?" you ask. Simple: they're not real. I made them up. I created all kinds of little things for you all to discover, such as rings in trees indicating their age, sedimentary layers in the Earth indicating its age, and I even gave you all belly buttons, even though none of you were born. Why? Because that's the world you expect to find.

Why am I telling you this? Because a select few of you - those who are reading this now, in fact - are special beyond measure. I put within you a compulsion to come here right now so you would know the truth about the world in which you live.

Why would I go through the trouble of creating an entire universe and then take no care to ensure my own place at the very top? Who's to say I haven't? But I would like for the rest of the world to think so, and it is not for you or them to question that. Just accept it, and commence to accomplish the secret mission which I have assigned to you. You will find it hiding in your subconscious, not far from where I put the compulsion to come here 8 minutes ago.

I suppose you may wish to see proof I accomplished this feat. I'll provide it, but only as reward if you can prove I didn't do it. Remember, I made everything, including your memories. You have not actually done anything you remember doing; it's all an implanted memory to give you the illusion of free will.

Be good, convert the masses, and praise me once in a while, huh? I'll be watching.

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Why don't they just Occupy Washington?

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By now you're aware that I'm the mastermind behind the Occupy Movement. I've agitated for years about unfairness and hypocrisy, especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to be running the country, until finally someone even braver than myself decided to go Occupy Wall Street and brought all his newly homeless friends with him. The movement spread all over the country, to every major city, until today we have people who are tired of the protests whining, "Why don't they just go Occupy Washington DC? Why does it have to be all over the country?"

This, of course, shows a frightening unwillingness to think without the TV news providing their opinion for them (followed up by denial of such).

Why don't the millions of Americans who are fed up with money polluting politics and the growing boldness with which the country is raped just go march on Washington DC? Simple, really.



First, we're talking about the newly homeless here. People who have had their jobs shipped overseas through no fault of their own, who've had their houses stolen from them, who can't afford to feed themselves or their kids. Just how exactly are these people supposed to GET TO Washington? Walk? Have you ever tried to walk 500 miles, or 500 more? It's not fun, even when you have a really good reason. (It's all I can do to walk about 15-20 miles a week and I'm healthier than 90% of you reading this.) I can't afford to go march on Washington, and neither can the majority of protesters. They're doing all they can to get food to eat.

Second, not counting armed revolts, no "movement" which focused on one city ever amounted to anything. This is a NATIONAL CRISIS, folks. It's a problem which can only be solved by one of three things: armed revolt, Constitutional Convention, or for those who deem themselves our lords to willingly abdicate their thrones. I think we can safely say that willing abdication will NEVER take place without the threat of armed revolt targeting those who need to step down (because historically speaking, fear of mob justice is the ONLY reason it's ever happened), so unless you want to become an ill-named Tea Party enthusiast advocating such things, that leaves the Constitutional Convention.

How on Earth do you get one of those things going?

It's a national event, something each state has to agitate for, and we need something like 38 out of the 50 states to agree to it. You don't get that kind of mass appeal by marching on one lousy city which really needs a second reason to glow in the dark to get rid of the rot. You have to get in people's faces, you have to show them that there IS a problem which CANNOT BE SOLVED by simply rolling over and letting the Koch brothers and the Freddie/Fannie monopolies keep raping you, hoping they'll get bored and stop. They won't. It's what they live for.

If you don't want to do anything to help yourself, that's okay with me, but don't complain about the economy or Congress or the excessive police-state we're getting into or the high prices or skyrocketing inflation or anything else, and don't tell me I can't take charge of my life and try to set my country right. As Carl Schurz said, "My country, right or wrong. When right to be kept right and when wrong to be put right."

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Brighten up, Girlfriend

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Hey everyone, nice to see you all again, plus some shiny new faces this year! January is shaping up to set another record, thanks to you.

My friend Lacey Chabert was desperately in need of help. She recently posted up an awful looking picture and no one stepped up to bail out her poor photographer, who faces the possibility of getting kicked out of the family for the goof. Luckily this kind of thing can be recovered pretty easily. After I fixed it, I noticed it turned out MUCH better than a lot of the pictures I fix for my family, so I thought I'd share the process with you AND save everyone's fave girl from the hassle of editing her Christmas card list.

I'm no Photoshopping genius, I'm just a guy who can adjust some sliders on readily available photo enhancement software to make pictures look better. I'll be using a program called ACDSee Pro, but this kind of functionality is available in most photo editing software, and some of it is even free or comes with your camera!

One key piece of advice to all you budding photographers that I had to learn the hard way when I screwed up some really important pictures when I first got a digital camera: be sure to use a flash when indoors, because the camera thinks it's a lot darker inside than you do. Your eyes adjust, a camera lens doesn't. Though most photos can be recovered to some degree, many can't, and few turn out this good. Best to just use the flash.

Okay, so check this out, guys:

Final Photo: We got lucky here.
The colors are vibrant! It's just
like being there for realsies!
Read on to see how this happened.

Original Photo: Much too dark,
all details are hidden.
(As always, click to embiggenate)

Overdone Photo: It's too bright
and grainy. This is what you
usually get from this process.
It's better than nothing!

How did we get such a fantastic result? Check these out!

First we go to Process, then Edit, then Lighting, and see this. These sliders
each affect a certain light tone range, kind of like the equalizer on a stereo.

Let's adjust sliders! Wheeeeeeeee!!!

...Preferably the correct ones. But don't sweat it, you can undo.

A little experimenting to see what does what.

Don't be afraid to experiment; all Human progress depends on it. 

It's amazing what you can find out by trying new things!

I'll swear with my dying breath (which might be sooner than you think if
Lacey gets a hold of me), IT'S NOT DANDRUFF!! (I think. I wasn't there.)

So there you have it.

If I really wanted to get fancy, I could blend together some of the pixels on Lacey's coat to get rid of the washouts, maybe added some sharpness or some blur and then pulled a few other processing tricks, but I didn't want to spend that much time on it before her check cleared.

And even though ACDSee isn't paying me to say this (though they should), I highly recommend you get ACDSee. It's primarily a photo manager, and it makes finding, sorting, organizing, and displaying your pictures very easy. It also lets you do some basic editing and processing too, but not quite to the Photoshop level. I've used it for many years, and consequently can't stand the built-in picture display thingy built into Windows. ACDSee has spoiled me. You don't have to get the Pro version, the regular version will let you adjust light levels and do pretty much anything you can think of to a picture, but the Pro version lets you feel special for having paid more for it.

So, all's right with the world. You all now know to use the flash on your cameras and what to do if you forget. Lacey finally gets to see her valuable family picture as it was meant to be seen. Her photographer gets out of hot water. And we here at Mopjockey.com had the pleasure to entertain you, as we do from time to time.

Check out our Facebook page (and hit the LIKE button, huh? it's only fair), or sign up to follow through Google/Blogspot on the left side of the page, or add yourself as a follower on Twitter, which we just got around to adding. And leave a comment somewhere if you want to see more articles like this.

BTW, li'l sis, call me when you have a minute. Got my new number? Same as the old number.

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Mandatory Driver Education

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As a friend drove me somewhere the other day, I noticed that she didn't know how to drive properly. This person used to be an accident investigator for the US Postal Service; she knew just about everything there was to know about trucks without having driven one, and yet, she was driving very discourteously around them as well as other cars. I was surprised to see her blocking up traffic, riding bumpers, riding catacorner to people in their blind spots at highway speeds (what I call "clipping"), and using an inconsistent speed which meant she got in everyone's way.

Of course, she's hardly the only offender. I constantly see people driving like they're idiots, getting in my way, and otherwise flirting with disaster. Thank God I'm a better driver than almost anyone! I have evaded being in several accidents in the past 20-some years since I've had a license, and so I thought I'd offer a few driving tips so you can learn them and then lord them over your buddies the way kids nag their parents to wear their seatbelts.

After I castigated her, I wrote these 8 Simple Rules for Driving on my Road:

Rule #1: If you want to drive faster than me, please do it BEFORE I pass you, not during and not after.

Rule #2: If you want to pass me, please continue to drive faster than me. I don't want you flying past me, then getting in front of me and slowing down, then speeding up again when I move over to pass you. Cruise control is your friend.

Rule #3: Never, ever sit next to another vehicle for longer than 5-10 seconds. If that means you have to speed up to pass them, do it! Sitting next to someone, especially a big truck, is inviting disaster and it's damned rude to do, nevermind that you're blocking traffic.

Rule #4: If you're not turning or changing lanes, turn your turn signal off. And if you are going to turn or change lanes in dense traffic, turn it on!

Rule #5: Turn your stupid radio down! No one wants to hear it. Especially at the gas station, where we're afraid the pounding is going to damage the underground gasoline tanks and set off an explosion.

Rule #6: When you're trying to get on the highway, you have my permission to use the entire length of the ramp and the acceleration lane to get up to speed and merge safely. It is no longer required that you either merge into the highway at 30 below the speed limit and then speed up, or come to a stop at the intersection and wait for three miles of clear before you merge. (Unless you live in Pennsylvania.)

Rule #7: When you're trying to get off the highway, it is not necessary to whiz past me and get off at the last possible second, nearly knocking me off the road just because you felt you had to get in front of me. Just slow down, wait that one extra second, and then get in the deceleration lane from behind me. There is no prize for getting to the road before I pass under the bridge.

Rule #8: Do NOT put on makeup while you are driving, ladies! Especially do not use that eyeliner pencil which WILL poke your eye out if you hit a crack in the road. When you're at a light, I'll tolerate it, as long as I'm not stuck behind you when the light turns green. (This means you, Jenny!)

That's it. Do those simple little things and you will cause and be in fewer accidents, and you will also save yourself and everyone around you a lot of unneeded stress and even a little cash on your gasoline bill.

What rules of the road would you like to see?

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Fearmongering Scientists

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You know how, later this year, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012? Today between 11:00 and 12:00 I heard Astronomer Phil Plait on WHYY internet radio trying to convince us all that it's just not true.

First, he used flimsy arguments to dismiss the arrival of the planet Nibiru, AKA Planet X, which will collide with Earth on that fateful day. According to Dr. Plait, any planet bound by the Sun's gravity (he doesn't explicitly say this, but it's what he meant) which was going to collide with Earth within the next year would be near the orbit of Mars and because of its size (4 times that of Earth) it would be brighter in the sky than Jupiter, which at the moment is easily visible near the moon as a very bright star. He further asserts that such a massive object would have disrupted the orbits of Earth, Mars, and other planets by now with its gravity, something which he says isn't happening.

However, Plait plainly has no idea what he's talking about!

Hello? Reality calling Dr. Phil? Aren't you forgetting something rather important?


Isn't the Solar system a THREE DIMENSIONAL construct? Aren't there things orbiting outside the Ecliptic plane (the plane in which the Earth orbits the Sun)? Isn't it possible that all the telescopes are looking in the wrong place? Couldn't Nibiru be orbiting at an angle oriented -450 degrees from the Ecliptic, and therefore not be where we expect to find it? And if it were there, wouldn't it have a much smaller effect on the planets' orbits, because it was much farther from them? Nibiru doesn't need to collide with the Earth to destroy it, it merely needs to whip past the Sun very quickly, which means it can be traveling far faster than it would otherwise need to if it were going to collide with Earth. Faster speed means it's further still from the distance needed to affect other planets. And maybe they have their cloaking device engaged, the same one Captain Kirk stole from the Romulans.

Simple explanations, really man. You're not fooling anyone.

The self-admitted Bad Astronomer goes on to protest that the increasing activity levels of the Sun have nothing to do with the end of the world. It has been predicted by some that a giant Solar flare will swallow the Earth, burning it to a crisp. Plait dismisses these by claiming there is some sort of cycle to the Sun's activity and that it will reach its peak in 2013 and 2014.

Hello? Even if the Sun wasn't as steady as the day God made it, do you not realize that the Solar Max is merely an average of a prediction, little different than Hurricane Season here on Earth, and that giant solar flares CAN and DO occur at any time, not just during Solar Max, in the same way that hurricanes can and do form outside Hurricane Season?

Really, man, you're being ridiculous here.

And don't you think that if a giant planet whips around the Sun at high speed, making a very close approach, that it might CAUSE giant solar flares?

Plait then goes on to dismiss hurricanes, earthquakes, and other natural disasters which could easily be proven to be caused by the gravitational effects of a giant, invisible planet closing in on us at warp speed, claiming that the millions of scientists around the world who know of this could NOT be coopted or threatened to keep their mouths shut by the MIB, Illuminati, and other government stooges who are hiding the TRUTH that Kennedy was assassinated by Yetis fighting for Tibetan independence.

Yeah, right, Phil. Tell me another one.

Worst of all, Plait then tries to put the burden of proof on those who make what he calls "outlandish claims". First he calls them whackos, then expects them to act in a logical and mature fashion by WORKING to prove something which can be easily seen as the truth with the application of just a little imagination and no small dollop of heroin.

Phil, Phil, Phil. What am I going to do with you? I'll bet you expect your children to show their work on their math homework to "prove" they understand how to get the answer. I'll bet you expect your children to speak English in your house. I'll even bet that at one time you expected your children to appreciate all you've done for them. How cruel and selfish of you. The world doesn't need adults who are capable of rational thought, nor those capable of taking responsibility for themselves! What the world needs is more heroes like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and Snooki. It needs people who willingly, EAGERLY believe every con job the television and the internet sell them. Really, Phil, how do you expect the super-rich to continue to oppress us if we suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to believe they have our best interests at heart while they're robbing us blind?

What really took the cake for me, personally, as a pseudo-journalist who often invents sensational news stories in an effort to get people to click on my ads so I can make some money off their panic, is that he would interfere in the right of someone to seek a certain, relatively painless death for themselves or their children instead of waiting to see if the prognostications come to pass and possibly suffering a horrible death from being flung into space when the Earth's rotation comes to a sudden halt. Nibiru will be easily observed and its effects felt months before the end. If someone's brain is so defective that they can't stand to wait for the inescapable truth one way or the other, and choose to endure eternal damnation by killing themselves instead of letting God do it at the time of His choosing, then the gene pool will be that much cleaner when the survivors try to rebuild society.

The end is so obviously nigh, Phil Plait, Bad Astronomer. The "proof" you seek is coming. Will you keep denying it with your "rationality" four days later just because Santa Claus visited your house? I'll bet you will.

You're going to be awfully embarrassed when the world ends and you tried to keep people calm and realistic. There's no place for that sort of thing on this planet or any other. I suppose next he'll be telling us the world is warming up and the polar bears are dying off because there's no longer enough ice at the North Pole to block the Northwest Passage.

I will pray for your soul in the coming apocalypse, Phil.
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