Bagel Dogs!!!!!!

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O frabjous day! My life is nearing completion thanks in part to my newest sweetheart, Lisa Bang. Embarrassingly cute and unimaginably smart, Lisa came to my rescue when woe had struck me low. For two decades, my life has been missing something incredibly important, something no one should be without. (Unless they're so unimaginative and unadventurous as to put down or just plain not like my second-favorite Hebrew invention; kiss my grits, Natalie!)

Sam's Club used to carry them by the bagful and we'd get two or three bags a month. They were amazing to behold. Simply pop one in the microwave after coming home from a rough day at school, dip 'em in ketchup, and all was suddenly right with the world.

I am of course talking about the wonder that is the bagel dog. Yes, the modest, unassuming bagel dog.

For reasons inexplicable to me, Sam's Club stopped selling bagel dogs around 20 years ago, though for a little while they still continued to sell the not-nearly-so-enjoyable mini bagle dog. (Insert :shudder: emoticon here.) Like the Amiga, original Frosted Mini Wheats, Top Shelf lasagna, Black Pepperjack Doritos, $5 seafood buffets at the casinos, Lemon-Lime Slice, Lacey Chabert, and reasonable prices at Arby's, as soon as I found them and fell in love with them, they disappeared without a trace and were never heard from again.

It's rough, seeing so much splendacularity simply disappear. Were I a completely insecure and paranoid son of an apple pie (like someone whose initials might be GTA), I might think I was the cause of the disappearances. But like what happens when Chuck Norris and Mr. T enter a building, perhaps that much awesomeness simply can't be contained. At the time, it was them or me, and MY awesomeness won out.

But now, at least one of these great things is fighting its way out of obscurity to make a comeback. Because my awesomeness is now an inclusive type of aura and it can be added to by other awesome things, I demanded of God to bestow upon me the knowledge of how to get a bagel dog, and lo and behold, God smacked me upside the head and said, "You don't make demands of me."

But then He showed mercy and sent an angel named Lisa Bang to point out to me that Einstein Brothers Bagel Shop sold bagel dogs. And making it better was that there were TWO of them here in the Daytona Beach area. So today, I packed up my gear and hiked on out to Ormond Beach, taking one of my many lady-friends with me on this wondrous odyssey of discovery.

It was glorious; glorious, I tell you!

And now, I owe Lisa a bagel dog, to be paid the next time we meet. Which won't be tomorrow because she's got to do Polycast episode 110 live tomorrow, and I'm going to be at a writer's meeting, and then entertain another of my lady-friends. Dan invited me to do a taping, and yes, I was excited to be able to thank Lisa in person (over Skype), but alas, it will have to wait.

You know, in the above list of my favorite things which can no longer be found, as each one of them disappeared quietly into the night, I mourned its passing, and then moved on. I've actually forgotten several of the items that should have made it on that list. But then one too many of those things began to disappear, and I couldn't take it any more. I had to do something. I had to find a way to save that one last great thing. I had to find a way to make it big again, to get everyone talking about it.

I tried, folks, I really tried, but nothing I did resulted in anything but further misery for all concerned. I simply didn't know how to reach the people responsible for that item on my list and inspire them to continue the valiant struggle to make me and the rest of the world happy with it.

But you know what? If bagel dogs are back from the brink of extinction, maybe with a little enthusiasm and the application of my inconsiderable power and influence with all of creation, I'll be able to arrange things so that they can once again be bought in the grocery store. And when we're all again eating bagel dogs morning, noon, and night, then maybe I'll figure out how to save another item on that list. And then another, and another, until one day, they've all been revived! They will be in everyone's homes or on everyone's minds, bringing peace and love and joy to the world once more!

What about you? What (or who) do you want to see making a comeback? Tell us in the comments below. And again, thank you, Lisa, for telling me where bagel dogs have been hiding half my life!

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More articles you'll find splendacular or stupendous:

The Problem of Emotional Investment

Breaking personal records is fun!

Joan Jett - 1999

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Do Bald Men Have More Sex Drive?

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A friend of mine who is, for some reason, self-conscious about his baldness, sent me this link, which I think is kinda interesting, especially since I've been short on hair for quite some time. My solution has been to cut it really short - even shorter than I kept it in the Navy. That way, I look a little more like Jason Statham and a little less like William Conrad.

Of course, I'm wondering what exactly "more sex drive" is supposed to mean in real-world terms. Should I be banging everything that moves? Eight or more times a day? Maybe I should give that a try. I'm sure that's what Bruce Willis does.

And if you're self-conscious about your looks, whether you're a guy or a gal, whether you're bald or hairy, whether you're thin or fat, I've got some advice you might want to take:

HA HA!

Nelson Muntz to the rescue!

Sure, I'm self-conscious about a lot of stupid things too. And I've been told that one of the best ways to get over it is to immerse yourself in derogatory comments until you realize that nothing being said has any bearing on you.

I don't mean beating yourself up. That's how a lot of us get into our situation in the first place. Rather, let people say what they want, and encourage them to be as nasty as they possibly can. Egg them on. Make a game out of it. And when they stop to take a breath, just politely use a line I was taught in the Navy when we got a beatdown: "Thank you sir, may I have another?" Or the ever-popular, "Is that the best you can do?" Or my personal favorite, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatver you say bounces off me and sticks on you." Especially when said in a nasal, bratty voice.

There isn't much that a little light-hearted sarcasm can't cure. (Note: If it's not making you giggle delightedly with how clever you are, it's probably not light-hearted.) If you learn to make fun of your insecurities, guess what? They go away! If someone can't insult you, no matter how hard they try, guess what? You're not self-conscious any more! I'm sure you can recall putting this in action when you were younger and less insecure. Someone called you a name you didn't like and you got mad, which only made them do it more, until finally you embraced it and it stopped bothering you, at which point they stopped calling you that. (For me it was "Lurch", the super-tall, super-prompt butler on the original Addams Family TV show.)

True, some people don't have the guts to face their fears, and some choose to take all insults personally, as if they really did have some bearing on their life, but that doesn't describe you, does it? You're more mature than that, right? People can call you bald and fat and big nose and say you're a lousy dancer and call you Lurch, but why should you care?

You shouldn't. And you shouldn't let any of those things stop you from having a good time and being yourself.
















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Further reading which has permission to change your life:
My high-scores are Better than Yours
Hey baby, what's your sign? (Updated!)
To Your Health - Part 1

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Crime Wave hits Palm Coast

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Back in October, as part of his "Small Town News" segment on The Late Show, David Letterman showed an article from a Palm Coast paper about a crime report. It was the kind of thing that occasionally shows up on Jay Leno's weekly "Headlines" segment. It seems that someone stole a can of pop and a pair of AA batteries, forgoing an expensive GPS system. Dave turned out to be a good guesser, figuring out that the city was close to St. Augustine. (Note to Dave: It's slightly closer to Daytona Beach.)

Today, Palm Coast is putting together a video to send to my fellow Hoosier daddy to show him where the city is and what it's like there. They're doing it at the First Annual Palm Coast Joy Ride, which is going on right now, and which will appear on an episode of the JAG BMX reality TV show.

I suspect that, upon receiving this video, Dave will pay the town a visit, perhaps even tape a show there. So let me be the first to welcome you, David Letterman!

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Other articles you'll find interesting or entertaining:
How to Make More Money
Profiling: Is It Good or Bad?
Leyland French - 1995

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New Year's Resolution Policy

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In conjunction with our Happy New Year Philosophy, there is also a New Year's Resolution Policy, which is to be implemented immediately.

Heretofore, when you wish to make a resolution to do something, and you want to wait for some landmark event to start it (end of the year, end of the pack of cigarettes, end of the piece of cake you're eating, etc), I hereby declare that the landmark event is NOW, and you may begin acting in accordance to your new resolution.

Surely you're not the only person who has wanted to make some sort of change in their life, and then decided to wait until something happened to make the change, right? Several people I know who CLAIM to want to stop smoking have this particular habit: they say, "I'm going to stop smoking. This is my last pack." Because, you know, they don't want to waste the $2-worth of cigarettes left in the pack because that's SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than avoiding the hospital bill for emphysema, nevermind the cost to your personal honor when that moment comes and you engage your habit to go get some more, thereby breaking your word.

We're people of our word, aren't we?

So how can we quit smoking, quit eating junk food, quit wussing out of whatever change we're wanting to make in ourselves? I'll tell you.

It's called "Immediate Action". When you decide you're going to do something, IMMEDIATELY take a step toward accomplishing it. Put out the cigarette NOW, put the pack in the garbage NOW, get rid of the ash trays NOW, look up cures for smoking NOW.

Because if you wait for the pack to run out, you have a program running in your head that tells you, "I'm out of cigarettes, I have to go get more." This is one time when "finish what you started" is a bad idea. You wouldn't drink an entire gallon of sewage just because you started to drink one, would you? The only way to break a habit is to take immediate action against it, so that every time you catch yourself engaging in the bad habit, you get into the GOOD habit of stopping and doing something else.

My dad quit smoking almost 30 years ago. He quit cold turkey. He didn't make any lame excuses about how hard it was to quit, or complain that they laced cigarettes with addictive substances. He just decided he wasn't going to smoke any more because he wanted to be healthier, he wanted to smell better, and he wanted to be around when his grandkids started showing up. Did he have powerful cravings? Sure. Did other people around him continue to smoke? Yup. Does he still get the occasional craving? Uh-huh. Did he wait until the end of the pack? Nope.

When he felt the urge to smoke, he had some very powerful tools at his disposal, which he used properly. Most people don't use these tools, or if they do, they use them improperly.

First, he reminded himself of the anguish he'd gone through in the first few days of quitting, and told himself that if he started smoking again, he'd just have to go through that hell again. Second, he knew that the urge to smoke would pass, and continued to tell himself that it would. Third, he did other things to get his mind off his urge! Fourth, he knew that he had a choice. He didn't forbid himself to smoke, instead he CHOSE to smoke LATER. Fifth, he's a man of his word. He'd made a promise that he was going to quit, and going back on that promise would mean he was untrustworthy. All we have is our reputation. And sixth, he felt cigarettes were getting too expensive for what they did anyway. Unfortunately, he only had a few cheerleaders on his side (myself included), but he managed to beat the nicotine monkey anyway.

When you've got a tough, ingrained habit, you have to catch yourself, stop doing it immediately, and immediately do something else. Don't wait to finish the pack, just quit now. Otherwise, you'll be just another loser who continually promises to do things and never carries them through. You don't want to be one of those, do you?
















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Other articles you'll find interesting or fun:
You are What you Consume
Site Metrics Unveiled
Maps are freakin' awesome

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