The Undeclared Miss America (and Her Cousin)

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Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me!

Today's guest is someone I normally wouldn't have talked to, but in June of 2009, some of my friends pestered me into going to see her because they were too scared to do it themselves. I'm glad they did, but I can't see why they're so scared of her; she's gorgeous, polite, shy, sweet, energetic, and doesn't scream or beat the crap out of you if you want to ask her a couple questions about little sis. What more could you ask for in a woman except for her to love only you?



The infamous Crissy Taylor, older sister to the slightly more infamous Lacey Chabert, is owner of the Stonehouse restaurant in the not-too-inconveniently-out-of-the-way town of Purvis, Mississippi, and a delight to spend a few minutes with even if you're one of the unfortunate souls who doesn't know who Lacey is. I found her to be quite a charming and enjoyable young lady. If you're in Mississippi, near Hattiesburg, stopping by to see her won't take long at all. Just go one more exit down I-59 to exit 51, head to town, and at the first light, hang a left; you'll see it from the intersection, next to the McDonald's and BP. You can't miss it!


View Larger Map

(On this map, the marker may be placed incorrectly. If you look at the street view, you'll see it.)

The Stonehouse needs no sign to tell you what it is, which is a good thing, because it doesn't have one.

Stepping inside, you feel like you're walking into someone's home. When I first walked in, I was actually afraid I'd done just that. After a moment, I realized that this was an awfully big dining room to take up so much of the interior of the house, with an awful lot of tables and chairs, so I was probably not about to be arrested for breaking and entering. This small building used to be an actual residence that sat idle in the middle of town for many years until Crissy bought it, renovated it into a restaurant, and decorated the interior to look like her own home.

There's a cozy-looking fireplace, which is decorated with some family regalia. At Christmas time, she decorates it with a tree and tinsel and stockings. There are several pictures on the walls commemorating some of the town's history and portraying some of the family (though I didn't recognize anyone). The dining room consumes most of the interior of the structure, and can seat about 30 people. The kitchen is set off into one corner, and in a house this small, it's appropriately small and cozy too. This all felt somewhat familiar to me; I grew up in a small town like Purvis, in a house that had a kitchen big enough that my whole family ate all our meals in it, with my grandmother just down the street in a similar house, and the Stonehouse felt a lot like that.

I arrived just before lunch was starting in earnest, just after opening time. Inside was a single customer already served, about to dig in to his Panini. I chatted him up for a few seconds, and then decided I'd better not let him starve to death right in front of me just to talk to me. I took a seat, and when the waitress showed up to take my order, I asked if Crissy could come out and play.

I had to wait a little while to see her, but she was worth the wait. Coming forth from the kitchen, hiding behind an apron and the biggest, shyest smile I'd ever seen, was the prettiest thing I'd seen all day!

You know how it is when you're about to meet someone important to you, and you don't want to screw it up, and you really want them to like you, and you hope they don't think you're a total dork? Like maybe you're about to meet the guy who owns the company you work for, or maybe some celebrity you've adored half your life, or maybe R. Lee Ermey is about to chew you out? Crissy had that look. It made me wonder if she'd heard of me.

Before she could faint or drop my order, I did my best to set her at ease. I took her hand, introduced myself, told her I was a fan, and invited her to have a seat and join me so we could talk and I could ask some questions for the other fans who couldn't make it.

It's not hard to compliment Crissy on pretty much anything you notice about her. Anyone who's heard of Lacey will have no trouble believing Crissy is twice as darling. She's one of those rare women who doesn't know she's beautiful, which keeps her head from getting too big to fit through the door. I got to talk to her for just a minute because she was busy making call-in orders, but she agreed to come back out and let me ask her a few questions once she had a moment to spare.

Before she came back out, a local celebrity and his wife came in and sat at the table next to mine and we kept each other company waiting for our orders and eating them. Vernon Heartfield is one of the town's councilmen, having served over 20 years and just got elected to his 7th term. (It's probably coincidence that he was first elected during the year I lived in Mississippi, but if he wants to credit me with his fortune like Sara Shahi ought to be doing, I'm not going to turn him down.) His lovely wife, Tess, takes care of their adoptive 3 year old daughter.

Very relaxed and open and friendly, Vernon and Tess dispelled any apprehension I might've been feeling and made me feel even more at home. I used to live up in Brandon for a year and got to know and like how nice people are in the state. It's something I enjoy every time I come back to visit those members of my family that still live in that area, and reminiscing with this wonderful older couple really made me feel like I was at home with long-time friends and family.

Mr. Vernon told me a story about the killer tornado that stuck town back in 1908. He said that was the year his grandfather was born, but it was probably after the tornado because his grandfather didn't remember it happening. He and his family have lived within a few miles of Purvis their whole life, so if you want any historical information about the area, Mr. Vernon is your man. Miss Tess told me about some of the adventures she and her 4 sisters had had growing up. They were here today because they've been coming in every day while they're getting their kitchen renovated. We shared a few personal stories, and though people often share personal stories with me (even within a few minutes of meeting me), this time it made me feel a lot more like I belonged here and not like someone was trying to impress me. Vern and Tess are very good examples of the kind of environment that Lacey grew up in, which is a big part of why I and so many others like her so much in ways that few other celebrities are liked.

Before departing, Vern gave me his Ernest P. Worrell impression. You know what I mean?

I was running out of time and about to have to leave when Crissy popped back out, so we talked fast and squeezed 20 minutes of dazzling conversation into 10 minutes. That means I didn't get to ask more than a few of the questions I'd come to ask.

If you’re one of Lacey's fans and you want to ask Crissy about little sis, she's amenable to the idea, so long as you understand that the place is a business and she's a chicken-with-her-head-cut-off, so she might not be able to talk to you. And that li'l sis rarely visits the place. But to make up for that, you can also expect a good meal; there are several different styles of large burgers, deli-type sandwiches, and salads on the menu, and each one is made with love, because Crissy is living her life-long dream! (You didn't want to meet some bratty little girl anyway.)

She became Mrs. Taylor almost right out of high-school, when she was 18, and had her first son not long after that, 12 years ago. Her second came 4 years later, and they keep her very busy, but they're old enough now that she has enough time to keep the restaurant open every day of the week for lunch and dinner. The best time to catch her seems to be at the start of lunch, just before I got there.

The first few months of business kept her very busy; she had a few relatives to help her out, but not enough regular employees. She used to serve breakfast and lunch only, and she was there to cook most of the day, but she's since gotten settled into a better routine, and now has enough employees that she is left with some time to enjoy her success. Lacey helped wait tables in those early days, and I gather she wasn't just being nice, she was probably necessary to feed the customers. Since some of the help is family, you can probably chat up an oddly-familiar waitress and be somewhat sure you've got a cousin who will probably be just as good to talk to as Crissy. And you can count on the locals to be friendly.

I couldn't get over how much like Lacey she looks... or rather, how much Lacey looks like her older sister! They're not quite twins, but if one of them robbed a convenience store, the cops would probably pick up the wrong one for questioning. They look alike enough to be... erm... sisters, and I for one can't wait to see them in a sexy-sisters-edition of Maxim!

Even though it was just a short visit, I had a good time. I made some new friends, got to reminisce with people I’d just met, and got a sense of the people who gave Lacey many of the reasons why I think she’s the bee’s knees. Crissy did a great job of making me feel welcome, and if she's not actually sweet on me, then she did a fine job of faking it! I didn't have time to ask all the questions I wanted to, but I was glad to have gotten to ask a few without making it feel like some kind of impersonal interview; Crissy is good people and I'm glad I got to know her a little, and got to put many a big smile on her face.

I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wanted, but I didn't have to in order to know what kind of a person she is; the Heartfields were a tremendous testimonial without ever knowing they were. I'll go back there some day, perhaps when she's A LITTLE LESS MARRIED!

If you want to see her and meet someone who just might make you like her more than you already like her sister, stop by, and when you notice that she belongs on the cover of a magazine, be sure to tell her that, because I wouldn't want her to think I was just making it up.

Do it soon. Like, right now.

Note to Crissy Taylor fans: This page is accessible via
   http://stonehouse.mopjockey.com.

Related links:
The TrueFacts about Lacey Chabert
Expose Yourself #1 – Smilin’ Bill
You know you feel good when...

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My high-scores are Better than Yours

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I used to play a lot of games; not so much any more, but I've still got a few scores I brag about. A few years back, Text Twist was all the rage, and I did pretty good at it, as you can tell by reading this site. Me and the written word seem to get along pretty well. There was this penguin-batting game I got a great score on too. I've got a few other games you'll find interesting and want to play, so I'll share with you some information and whet your appetite and we'll see how well you can do at them. Read on!


First up is Hearts, which is part of Vista and now Windows 7. As you can see, I got a perfect score. The only way it could've been more perfect is if I had gotten all three computer opponents to exceed 100 on that last hand (probably by shooting the moon again).

TEXT TWIST - (Link)
Next we have Text Twist. The game has two modes: Puzzle Mode, which is untimed, and Action mode, which is timed. Puzzle Mode is good for getting used to the word list without the pressure of a clock, but there's really not a whole lot of skill involved. I got to a million points pretty easily, and gave up because 1,000,000 points was my goal.


The rest of the time, I stuck with having to beat the timer, and it can be pretty tough when they come up with words you've never heard of before. My top score slowly rose over the course of a few months and on a couple different machines.

Text Twist gives you bonus points if you get all the words, and I challenged myself to get them all as fast as possible. Here are a couple of my better times, but these aren't records; I lost those images.

To the left is a pretty fast solution, but there aren't a whole lot of words. To the right is a fast solution with a considerably larger number of words, making it much more difficult. If I remember correctly, 6-letter words give you 120 seconds and 7-letter words give you 150 seconds, so these are fantastic times.

PENGUIN BATTING - (Link)
This is a cute little game that involves a Yeti smacking a penguin with an icicle to see how far he can fly, because apparently, penguins dream of flying and this is the only way they can do it.

There are two versions of the game, one with normal scores and one with amplified scores, and these are my personal records at each. I happen to know it's possible to get over 600 on the amplified-scoring one, but I couldn't do it.

On each page I linked to is a link that takes you to the other version of the game, so you can try your hand at both of them. They require slightly different reaction times, so try them both. Just be careful you don't waste an entire afternoon!


FRACAS - (Link)

Fracas is a cool little game reminiscent of Lords of Conquest (which I found here!) and Risk, but way cooler and faster to play. The object is to grow your country and then wipe out everyone else's capital while protecting your own from conquest. The AI isn't especially difficult for me to beat (though I do get surprised now and then) so I set myself some extra goals.

First, I have to be the one to eliminate all the other players. Second, there has to be at least one territory from each player still on the board somewhere. I achieve this about every 5 games or so, and here are a couple screen shots to prove it.

Smozzie was nice enough to create a map editor too, be sure you get that and some people's custom maps for a few interesting ways to play, and of course, be sure you adjust the options once in a while; it feels like you've got like about 20 different games you can play just by adjusting the options.


RAILS - (Link)
The last game I'm going to mention for now is one called Rails, and it's made by Pluto Scarab. It's based on Mayfair Games' Empire Builder, which is one of those cool crayon games. You run a railroad company and build track around the map and deliver goods all over. It's pretty awesome! When MS got rid of the MSN groups, the support forum disappeared. I created a place for it in my own forum, and also created a location to hold user-made maps and such. Click here to go to the forum post about Rails, and get access to the fan-made maps, including 2 maps I made and 3 others I tweaked. (Yes, that's right, they've got a map editor too!)

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More articles you'll enjoy:
Railroad Tycoon 2 Untold Strategies
Games I Play - Civilization 4
Arizona you evil state you

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Ken Severa - 2002

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Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me!


Ken Severa is a comedian best known in the Chicago area, and one of his major routines is an impression of famous Cubs’ commentator, Harry Carey. After parting with my original gaming group back in 2002, I joined two new ones, one of which had Ken as a member.

I’d swear—SWEAR, I tell you—that I’d heard the name “Kenny Severa” on TV, like on an HBO special or something like that when I was little, and probably enjoyed his routines, but my memories of my youth aren’t that good, and nothing Ken said was familiar, not even his Harry Carey stuff, which he does all the time.

I looked him up online  not long after that, and still, nothing about the guy jibed in my memory beyond his name, and he swears he’s never been on an HBO special. But I’d swear I heard him perform as a kid, and I don’t know where else it could have happened. I dunno; maybe he was on WLS-AM a lot; I forgot I used to listen to them all the time.

Ken’s a nice guy, real stand-up kind of person, no pun intended. (He’s a stand-up comic.) He doesn’t take himself too seriously at all, and he doesn’t let anyone’s barbs get him down; I consider him a Teflon duck. He was a great sport about getting his butt handed to him in game after game, week after week, and always came back for more.

I don't currently have any pics of Ken, nor can I find any on the internet. I'll eventually get in touch with him again and get a pic of him.


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