Beatdowns Inc.

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Have you ever been in need of a serious butt-whoopin'? Have you been a massive drain on society? Are you the scourge of the civilized world AND the internet? If so, you are uniquely qualified to participate in our pilot program for our new product, from our new company, Beatdowns Inc. Our product is revolutionary, and comes in many varieties to suit every taste and need, and can be customized to your exact specifications. We also guarantee 100% satisfaction; if you aren't completely satisfied that our product has filled your needs, we'll return to do the job again until we get it right. What is this miracle new product?

It's called a Beatdown (patent pending), and it can change your life, and the lives of all those you affect. With the use of just one Beatdown, everyone will know you've gotten one, and be jealous they didn't give it to you themselves.

Beatdowns can be accomplished with many objects:
* Cattle prod
* Baseball bat
* Sledgehammer
* Barstool
* Morningstar
* Mini-fridge
* Chainsaw
* or just about any man-wieldable, blunt object you care to name.

As a special bonus, for no additional charge, we'll upgrade your regular Beatdown to a Celebrity Beatdown! Yes, get your Beatdown from any of the following famous people:
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Orrin Hatch
* Barrack Obama and his merry band of Secret Service agents (Extra value: Only counts as one!)
* Bill Clinton
* Jesse Ventura
* Frank Sinatra's former bodyguards
* Roseanne Barr and John Goodman
* Richard Kiel (Jaws)
* Richard Moll (Night Court)
* Andre Agassi
* or just about anyone who needs the money. (NOTE: Even after this promotion ends, Orrin Hatch will still be available at no additional charge; that guy will put his name on just about anything!)

So you get the Beatdown of your choice, with the weapon of your choice, by the celebrity of your choice, all at the most reasonable prices imaginable!

But wait, that's not all! If in the next 5 weeks you send more than 1 MILLION messages to people who then wish you dead, you get your Beatdown at NO CHARGE WHATSOEVER! Act now, a deal like this won't last forever!

Another Satisfied Customer writes:

Dear Beatdowns Inc.
I am the ghost of that Russian Spammer that got killed and made worldwide headlines back in 2005. I want to thank you for the excellent Beatdown I received; I was totally satisfied and now I think the world is a better place without me.

Sincerely,
The Dead Russian Spammer

The fineprint:
By sending out 1 million unwanted emails within a 5 week period, you have automatically been added to our list to receive a House-Special Beatdown (Beatdown with a Cattle Prod given by an agent local to you) to be delivered immediately. If you decide you do not want this free Beatdown, please send us your name, address, and a note saying "Unsubcribe me from the Free Beatdown List" and we will remove your name and recall the agent sometime within 2-4 weeks of receipt of the note. Not responsible for any Beatdowns given away before your name can be removed from our list.

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Where I've been

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"I'm just a-wandering on the face of the Earth" - the Moody Blues

I've been a lot of places, and I'm NOT an army brat to justify it. Even before I had a driver's license, I'd been to 11 states, and been in international waters (which is outside any country). I'm constantly amazed at all the cool places I've been, things I've done, stuff I've seen, and people I've met, and in the coming months, I'll be sharing some of what I've discovered with you.

In the meantime, I'm going to show you on the map where I've been, and as my travels expand, I'll be updating these maps, so check back here once in a while.

My travels have come in four broad phases: before I got a driver's license, after I got it but before I joined the Navy, after I started driving a truck, and the fourth phase will be after I stop driving a truck, a point in time that is rapidly approaching.

Being in the Navy did wonders for allowing me to travel the world. I was a bit hesitant to go on my Med Cruise in 1999-2000, but fortunately nothing bad happened to us. God must've been watching over us, because it was very quiet over there for the coming of the new millennium. I got to do a few things that are generally not possible, or dangerous to do, because it had quieted down for a little while.

Being a truck driver has likewise expanded my travels throughout this great country of ours. Before then, most of my travels were between Indiana, Florida, and Mississippi, with occasional detours to go see something interesting. Since then, though, I've been throughout most of the states I've been in, to most of the major cities, and I've traveled along around 80% of the interstate system, with a considerable number of states in which I've driven every mile of interstate they have.

In the future, I intend to visit every state, territory, and national park in the Union, every continent (though I don't like the cold, so my visit to Antarctica will be short), and possibly every country, though as there are a lot of disputed areas and new countries, some of them will have to settle down and play nice before I'll grace them with my presence. I also plan to sail every sea and ocean.

Enjoy the maps, and enjoy the journey!

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Ronald Reagan - 1985

Many famous and interesting people have had brushes with me that served to skyrocket their careers to new heights. If they hadn't met me, chances are you never would've heard of them. Sure, many of them were famous before they met me, but that's just how awesome I am: I can improve your career before you've even met me!

The first famous person whose life and career shined because they knew me is someone that EVERYONE has heard of: President Ronald Reagan.

I didn’t exactly get to meet President Ronald Reagan, but I did get to see the man get off his plane, and then later stood within 10 feet of his limo as his motorcade drove through the streets of West Lafayette, Indiana. The President came to deliver a speech at Purdue. Oddly enough, I can't find anything at all on the internet about it, but this did happen before it became popular.


I don't have any pictures, because that was so long ago and I was a kid, but I remember that the crowds to just catch a glimpse of him were tremendous, many thousands of people. Very exciting!


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